Wives of Faith

From Liz:

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My Deployment Meltdown

The Lord was looking down on me when I had my deployment meltdown on August 9, 2010. It was an accumulation of months of stress and two accidents that I had no control over. My husband had been deployed for almost eighteen months and was due home in nineteen days. I was so excited about his return that I never expected to be overwhelmed by my emotions.

A couple of days earlier I got into an accident in my husband’s car. It wasn’t a serious accident, I actually hit a rock. I was at a park I had visited many times and I never saw the rock coming. The rock was two feet tall and heavy enough to carve itself into the side of the door. This was the first time I ever had a car accident with a rock. Thankfully, my husband took the news in stride and reminded me to be more careful.  I took this accident as a sign that I needed to slow down.

The second accident happened when a tree fell on the power lines. The tree fell down in the middle of a bright sunny day. We had no power for most of the day. I took my son out to dinner and put him to bed. I realized the house was engulfed in darkness. For a moment, I felt completely powerless. I couldn’t use the oven, washer, air conditioning, internet, and TV. I used my cell phone to call my family and broke down in tears. I had my first deployment meltdown. I was strong for almost all of my husband’s deployment except for that moment.

After I was finished talking to my family, I sat in the dark. I thought about my next step. I wondered if I should plan a vacation before my husband’s homecoming. I prayed for guidance from the Lord. I prayed for strength, because I had never felt so weak before in my life. Everything seemed to be out of my control. I knew the Lord had a plan for me but I needed some clarity. Moments after I finished my prayers, the lights came on. I was relieved to have our power back. The light of my faith had been turned on.

I know the Lord will give me the strength to survive the next nineteen days. It will be wonderful to be reunited with my other half. I know we have both grown in our faith and love for our Lord, Jesus Christ. We are reminded of the Lord’s strength in scripture, Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Halleluiah!

God Bless!

Elizabeth Ornelas

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Please welcome a guest post from Liz.

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My First Deployment

Almost eighteen months ago, my husband left for isolated duty in Attu, Alaska. I did not know at the time, that his original twelve month tour would be extended. This time period was challenging but a great opportunity for my personal growth. As I look back on this time period, I remember the quiet days that seemed to zoom by.

Before my husband was deployed, I decided to go to grad school. I had just left active duty and I had a brand new baby. My academic advisor told me how she was able to go to grad school without comprising her family time. I would catch lectures while the baby was sleeping and write papers at night or early in the morning. I had it all planned out. I would spread out my time and work on college at least two to three hours a day. I thought this schedule would be easy for my lifestyle because I was used to getting up at 0430 everyday when I was on active duty. I am proud that I completed an MBA and graduated with honors while my husband was deployed.

There was another area in my life that I needed to work on. I decided to use my extra time for spiritual growth. My goal was to read the Bible in a year.  I was amazed by the joy I received in learning God’s revelations and his plans for his people. I was humbled and honored to be one of his chosen people.  I felt his light and his love for me. I grew closer to the Lord and I felt safe. All of my deployment fears melted away. I took long road trips with my son up and down the east coast to visit family. I felt comfortable wrapped in the arms of the Lord.

Deployment was challenging because I had to learn how to ask for help. I had to learn to lean on my family, friends, and the Lord. The most important lesson I learned from deployment is that if you take the Lord our Savior into your life, you can accomplish anything. I would like to share with you my favorite Psalm that also lifts my spirits, Psalm 23:1-6:

The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

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Liz is both former active duty and a military spouse! She served six years on active duty in the Coast Guard herself, and her husband has over 9 years of active duty service in the Coast Guard.

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Please welcome Jamie to our blog team! She’s a teacher and new Army wife who is facing her husband’s deployment to the Middle East. Here is her story:
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What I did this summer…

I am a teacher and I will return to school next month. One of my usual “icebreakers” and easy ways to assess writing skills is the “what did you do this summer?” And I usually answer the question myself to demonstrate what I am looking for in their responses. So what did I do this summer? I married a soldier . . . a man who has given up his basic freedoms and comforts to fight a war in a country thousands of miles from his beloved South. Our first year of marriage will be spent 11-and-a-half hours apart and on different continents. There is no way I would be able to do this but for the bond which unites us in Christ . . . I have no doubt in my head and heart that God called me to be this man’s wife and to support and love him during this deployment.

The first day he left brought pain, numbness and an ache I felt in my bones. I had to channel each thought of loneliness and hurt into a prayer to God. It was work . . .not talking to God . . . just work to take my hopeless thoughts into hopeful prayers . . .but I did it. Or rather, God gave me the strength to do that. As the day went by and tears filled my eyes as I thought of each moment spent with him and each moment I still wanted to spend with him, lost time, the empty 12 months stretching out before me, I countered each thought with a prayer and a verse I found for him.

Jeremiah 15:20-21: “And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you, says the LORD. I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked, and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless.”

I found this verse for him but found it actually applied to me. I am not fighting a war with insurgents in a foreign culture, but I am fighting a battle in my heart to be strong and positive and let God handle my grief. I can’t handle it. I can’t do it by myself. But I can do it with God redeeming me and delivering me from the ruthless fear that was attacking me. I have to be a wall of bronze . . . not just for me and my walk with God but for my husband. I must be strong for him and our marriage. I must give the grief to God and let Him turn it into grace.

And so the second day, I stopped the crying, showered, and went for a walk. I organized the email and phone chains to support my husband and I sent love and prayers almost 8,000 miles away. The third day I actually met up with friends and again, sent love and prayers. And I send love and prayers to all the wives during deployment.

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Today during our Wives of Faith meeting, one of our wives shared her concern about how things will be after her husband comes home from his deployment which isn’t too far away.

It’s been said that the transition after deployment can be even harder than the actual deployment. Though your couple status hasn’t changed, you have been living separate lives. He’s been living in a war zone – working long days, focused on his mission and keeping himself and his fellow soldiers safe and alive. You’ve been at home – also working long days, focused on keeping your home and family going and doing everything you can to support your husband while he’s been away.

We can be tempted to fall into the trap of playing the “Who Had it Worse” game. But it’s not so much about who has had it worse – the challenges are just different.

If you are about to experience a homecoming, or maybe you’re dealing with the transition right now, here are a few things to think about that may help you and your family have the best experience possible as you reunite.

Talk before he’s home. The communication needs to happen before he gets off the plane and walks in the door and sees that you’ve rearranged the living room furniture and the dog’s food bowl is in a different spot then where it was before he left. Talk about things that have changed, talk about how each of you have changed. Talk about your expectations – does he have visions of just lying around for a couple of weeks doing nothing? If he’s Guard/Reserve, are you hoping he’ll take time to spend with the family before hurrying off to resume his civilian job responsibilities? If you have kids, talk about parenting roles and any concerns you may have about your children.

Keep your expectations low. We all can find ourselves dreaming and romanticizing about those first few weeks that our husbands will return. If we’re not careful, we can turn those dreams into fairy tales with no chance of matching reality and offering a whole lot of potential for disappointment. Because the reality is that it will take time for your husband to adjust to being back home. When my husband returned from his first deployment, I realized that while his deployment was over, mine wasn’t. That’s because Cliff needed time to decompress and just relax. And as much as I was looking forward to help around the house and with our son, I had to recognize what he needed – and that was time to adjust and feel at home again.

Be willing to sit. Resist the voice inside your head which is running an on-going to do list of everything that needs to be done around the house and with the kids and take some time just to be with your husband. Men and women have such different perspectives and needs as it is, but deployment and the transition after deployment can seriously heighten those differences. You may find it frustrating that all he wants to do is sit, and have you sit with him. But he hasn’t had a chance just to sit in a long time. And even if he has been able to have a little downtime while overseas, it’s a different version – “relaxation” does not happen in a war zone.  So be willing to put aside your to-do list for just a little while and instead, enjoy just being. Being a couple, being a family, being together.

Bringing the war home. Every service member will have a different experience during their time overseas. Some will have seen serious combat. Others will not. But everyone will have a certain amount of adjustments to make. It may take time to adjust to sleeping in a quiet house with no helicopters flying overhead. Loud noises or sudden movements may spook him. This is normal and should gradually subside.

Wives can make mistakes if we’re not careful – we can assume the absolute worst, that our husbands are coming home just shells of their former selves, with no real basis for believing that, and drive our husbands and ourselves crazy looking for signs of PTSD or TBI, or we can go the other extreme, thinking that they will be exactly the way they were before they left and ignoring any signs that may appear.

When War Comes Home is a great resource for any military wife who wants to arm herself with information and knowledge of how to help her husband sort through the emotions and conflicts of coming home from war.  The book can walk you through what to know and what to look for should your husband be experiencing serious symptoms or signs of PTSD.

Be patient with the “new normal.” Resist wishing that everything will go back to being the same before your husband left. After all, if your husband hadn’t left for a year, would he necessarily be the exact same person one year later? Of course not. Whatever experiences life brought his way would change him or grow him. He wouldn’t be the same. Neither would you. So expecting everything to return to the way it was before the deployment doesn’t make a whole lot of sense either. He’s changed. You’ve changed. And now it’s time for you both to figure out how to move forward together with those changes.

It takes time. It’s not easy. But you’re also not alone. Pray for your husband daily and for your family, and ask God to help bring the two of you back together and help you to be closer than ever.

What other thoughts do you have about the transition after deployment? What’s been your experience? What is your advice to others? Let’s share and get some discussion going on this important topic.

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          Having a family full of performing artists, I have seen my share of curtain calls.  It is interesting to watch the different takes any given production has on how to end their show and enjoy some applause.  Whatever method they may choose, evenings normally end with performers receiving their thanks in applause while humbling themselves before the audience in a bow. 

          God showed me very early in this deployment that one of our many classroom subjects was going to be about bowing.  From almost the time Rob received his orders, I felt the Lord was telling me that my fears were going to have to learn to bow down with me at the cross.  Together, my fears and I needed to learn to fear Him.

          Wow, what a tall order that sounded like to me.  Fear seemed like the go-to appropriate emotion when one was sending their spouse to a war zone, right?  And what exactly was all this stuff about me fearing God anyway?  What did it really mean?  Isn’t God love and all that warm fuzzy stuff?  Why am I supposed to fear Him? 

          Lots of questions, lots of opportunities to grow.  First of all – fear of sending my spouse into a war zone.  How was that very legitimate concern supposed to learn to bow down?  God began to show me that my fears were based in a lack of trust in His provision.  Though all my fragile human mind and heart could see was that Rob was walking into a dangerous arena, the truth God reminded me of is that He has already numbered Rob’s days.  Nothing can reach Rob in a war zone that has not first passed through the hands of a very loving Father, who is always, ultimately about our good.  While I felt God understood my fear, I also felt Him encouraging me to release it, and Rob, to Him. 

          Next lesson – What does it mean to fear God?  For me this has meant learning how to have reverence for who God is.  Fear has such a negative implication for us today, but in the Bible, the word is often used to denote reverence and respect.  My children are crazy about their father and have very close relationships with him.  But even as adults, they do not cross him.  You can call that reverence, respect or good healthy fear.  Fear and reverence for God are so very similar.  As I get to know God better and grow in my understanding of who He is, my response to His presence is one of fear and reverence.  In very simple terms, I do not want to mess with my Father.   

          Last question – Why does God want me to fear Him?  Through this deployment, God has shown me that as I learn to fear (or reverence) Him, I begin to understand more of who He really is and how much He loves me.  As I learn to fear Him, I know that He is sovereign.  No one can reach me or my family without walking through Him first.  When those dark thoughts rail against my mind in the night, I can remember that only He is in control of the destiny of both my husband and me. Neither the military nor the insurgents get to decide our fates.  Nothing will come to us that has not passed through God’s loving hands.  It may not be easy, but God will work anything meant for evil towards us for our good.  My fear of God can become a place of rest for me.

          So, how have I done in God’s classroom as the curtain starts to fall on this deployment?  Let’s put it this way – please don’t ask to see my report card!  There have been way more tears and way more fears than I had ever hoped to be dealing with during this time.  In spite of my poor performance as a student, I am so thankful for the lessons God has given me in this particular classroom that I would have never chosen for myself or my family. 

Fears, is it time to bow? – I think so.

Then a voice came from the throne, saying:

“Praise our God, all you His servants,

you who fear Him, both small and great.

Revelation 19:5 (NIV)

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When I thought about the “love” topic for February on WOF, at first I thought of nothing but showing love to my husband.  I am sure this is pretty common, especially to young, relatively newly-married couples.   Some of you probably have kids to take care of while your husband is deployed.  Some may have older family members requiring some form of daily care.  One thing I must admit I never really considered leading up to my marriage to a military man was how his parents would deal with his constant absences.

My husband left his parents’ home at 18 and except for visits, has always been thousands of miles away, so I just never really thought about how they might react to his deployment.  I know many of you can sympathize with having a mother-in-law (MIL) who has a hard time letting go of her son.  One of the many (!) things God is showing me during this time is that He will use the most unlikely people to help me grow!

I am blessed with a husband who has repeatedly said and demonstrated that, after God, I am his priority and our two-person family is our own, individual unit.  Praise God for my husband’s strength and wisdom here!  That said, we both want to honor our parents.  This issue is a tricky one, and often difficult – as evidenced by all of the MIL horror stories we hear about!

But I do not think this is just a MIL issue.  Chances are, most (if not all) of us have at least one difficult family member/relative.  Do you find this relationship gets more difficult when your husband is deployed?  Perhaps that person is a worrier, or perhaps you just find yourself more busy and with less time to help this particular relative, or perhaps you are simply not able to meet their needs.  You are not alone!

It is a difficult situation.  However, God does not call us to merely sit still and complain about difficult situations!  We are to show love – His love!  So while I may not feel completely comfortable with my MIL, I am still called to love her as the special lady God created her to be.  Actively, prayerfully, and in how I think of her – the attitude of my heart.

How we show this love usually depends on the person we are dealing with, as well as logistics; something like “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman might help you think about how you can best show this person love.

I am also learning that faithful prayer is so powerful!  Praying for someone’s good goes a long way towards helping to love them.  It also reminds me that God loves them.  So I have been praying pretty much daily (I will admit to having missed a day here and there) for my in-laws, as well as my own side of the family.

Finally, I made a list of my MIL’s good points – the things I appreciate the most about her.  And really, these are the things that matter.  It’s like when you get annoyed or upset with your mom or your best friend; you can’t stay that way because the person is too special and too important to you.  You love them.  This is the work that God is doing in my heart as I seek His help and wisdom.  Really, this is the way I should love everyone – focusing on their good, and the fact that they, too, are created in the image of God!

It may be baby steps, but God sees my heart, my motivation, and my efforts to seek Him.  A total transformation, and an ability to love more like Christ, will take time.  Because really, the goal is to let go of my self and let God’s love shine through me.  I am seeking a kind of love for others that is not human, so it has got to come from the Lord.

God will use every opportunity to help us grow and mature, if we let Him.  He tells us in Philippians 2:4 to look to the interests of others.  Even if it is not your MIL, most of us have at least one difficult family member.  I believe God wants us to let Him use that unlikely person to help us grow.  And what a witnessing opportunity!  Like anything else in life, we get better at this with practice.  I want to glorify God with my actions, so here goes.  One step, and one day, at a time.  I praise God that He is big enough to shine through my weaknesses and bring glory to His name!

Are there any difficult people in your life that you struggle to show love?  Do you find that it is worse while your husband is deployed?  How has/is God helping you in this situation?

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Nikki is married to an amazing man in the Navy.  She works in international affairs and adores warm weather.

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It was another Skype call followed by another set of tears.  While trying to maintain some kind of resolve and a degree of composure, I felt myself breaking like the snow-laden branches outside my window.   Not wanting to make things any more difficult for my spouse who is living a life of working 15 hour days, 7 days/week in a foreign, often dangerous land, I quickly hit the “End Call” button.  My heart said, “Don’t let go!” while my head said, “Don’t add to his difficulty.”

Surely I was doing something wrong.  Did this really have to be so hard?  Why was I still having days when I just dissolved emotionally?  I mean come on, I am a child of God Almighty.  My husband and I have been married for 28 years.  This is not the first time we have walked through deployment.  For pete’s sake, I even write pieces of encouragement for military wives!  What a fraud.  Why was I such a failure?

I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no

one can shut.  I know that you have little strength,

yet, you have kept my word and not denied my name.

Revelation 3:8 (NIV)

Wow.  God knows.  He knows exactly how I am doing.  I may fool the world, my friends, my children or even my spouse, but God knows my deeds.  And He sees my hurt.

Wow.  God has an open door for me.  As I wait anxiously to develop the ability to “properly execute a deployment” (whatever that means!), God is ready and available to help me the minute I stop thrashing through the deep waters trying to do everything by myself.  He makes His power readily available to me anytime I choose to walk through His always open door.

Wow.  God knows that I have little strength.  No matter what I expect of myself or feel like others expect of me, God is keenly aware of my condition.  I have total need of His grace and mercy just to make it from one day to the next.  And no matter how good a show I may put on for others, He is always aware of my limitations.  They have not escaped his gaze nor caused Him to look upon me with disappointment.

When I view my current situation through the lens of God’s word, I find that I am indeed a woman of little strength.  And, amazing as it may seem, that thought gives me peace.   As we draw closer to the close of my spouse’s military career, I realize the day is probably not going to come when I do deployments well.  So, that is my underwear hanging on the line – I am a military spouse who does not handle deployments well.  Who sometimes dissolves into tears at the end of (or even during) a Skype call.  A woman of little strength.  But I serve a God who is strong indeed.  And His word encourages me.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10b (NIV)

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My friend Teri Lynne is one of my cheerleaders in life, and she sent me a link to a post that had her–and me–moved to tears.

Her friend Erin blogs at “Closing Time” and she wrote about saying goodbye to her husband—and observing a woman saying goodbye to her soldier.

You can click here to read her story, as she graciously gave me permission to share it with you.

Sometimes we as military wives don’t think anyone sees, notices, or even cares about what we go through. God sees. He knows. And He opens others’ eyes.

If you have never had anyone say “thank you” for your sacrifice, let me say it: Thank you.

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At the beginning of each year, there is a desire within me for a new beginning, a fresh start.  We are four weeks into the New Year and yes that desire is still there, but something is different.  In a “normal” year, I like to sit down the first week of January and make a list of goals of what I want to accomplish during the upcoming year.  Realization is starting to settle in and I am figuring out that 2010 is not one of those “normal” years.  I am in the midst of my husband’s deployment, working full time and a mother of a busy teenager.  So, at the end of the day, my only goal is to get in bed and try to fall asleep at a decent hour so I can start the next day all over again.  Does this sound familiar to some of you?

Goal setting for me has always been about what I want to accomplish in the New Year.  Even though I have not taken the time to write out my goals for this New Year, God has used the last couple of weeks preparing my heart for His goals that He has for me.  Whether it is through reading His word, listening to excellent teachings of His word, having conversations or quiet time in prayer, God is speaking to me and this year I do not want to miss what He is saying.  I would like to share with you some thoughts and scriptures that God has given me that may help you look at goal setting differently and also help you reach your God-given potential this year.

Just recently I read and studied the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11.  Jesus had asked for the stone to be rolled away from the tomb.  Martha’s response was no different than how we would have responded.  She told him there would be a stench since Lazarus had been dead for four days.  Jesus replies to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”  A question that was asked of me, I now ask of you.  What stone in your life are you refusing to roll away?  I truly believe that if God has given us dreams and visions for our life, He will sometimes ask us to roll away some stones.  Do you believe?  Do you want to see the glory of God?  This year allow and cooperate with God as He prepares you for what He has in store for you.

Whatever goals God has given you to achieve this year, refuse to live your life without passion and enthusiasm.  Ecclesiastes 9: 10 (NKJ) states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.”  Refuse to overlook or lose sight of the gift that God placed in you.  Paul, in his letters to Timothy, tells him in 1 Timothy 4:14, “Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery.”  Paul reminds him again in 2 Timothy 1:6, “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.”

This new year, join me as I prayerfully ask God what He wants to accomplish through me in 2010.  He has something spectacular prepared for each of us.  Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) states, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

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I recently read an article in our paper’s “extra” section about the effects of surprise reunions on military kids. The story they featured was from the St. Petersburg Times and was reported as being one of the best-read stories the day it ran. Over one hundred people left emotional and heartfelt online comments in response to the story of Army Sgt. 1st Class Michael Spaulding’s surprise reunion with his fifth grade daughter in her classroom. A photographer and news media were there to capture the long-anticipated moment between father and daughter.

Since then, this type of reunion has attracted criticism with experts claiming the possibilities of potential damage to the surprised children. The article went on to talk about the potential for the children to hold anger during a deployment and that there are no guarantees on how the children are going to react to such a surprise. One professor even suggested that such exposure would make an already overwhelming situation even more stressful.

However, the wife of Army Sgt. 1st Class Spaulding disagreed. She talked about the support of her community, including their daughter’s class who became pen pals with Spaulding and sent him letters and cards throughout the deployment. The teachers who witnessed the reunion all had positive responses and developed a greater understanding of what it means to go through a deployment. Some say that having a heads up gives children the opportunity to mentally prepare and that being able to look forward to their soldier’s homecoming is all part of the fun. While keeping the focus on the child, they dipped into the controversy of exploiting the military family verses raising awareness and support for the military family.

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