Wives of Faith

When I thought about the “love” topic for February on WOF, at first I thought of nothing but showing love to my husband.  I am sure this is pretty common, especially to young, relatively newly-married couples.   Some of you probably have kids to take care of while your husband is deployed.  Some may have older family members requiring some form of daily care.  One thing I must admit I never really considered leading up to my marriage to a military man was how his parents would deal with his constant absences.

My husband left his parents’ home at 18 and except for visits, has always been thousands of miles away, so I just never really thought about how they might react to his deployment.  I know many of you can sympathize with having a mother-in-law (MIL) who has a hard time letting go of her son.  One of the many (!) things God is showing me during this time is that He will use the most unlikely people to help me grow!

I am blessed with a husband who has repeatedly said and demonstrated that, after God, I am his priority and our two-person family is our own, individual unit.  Praise God for my husband’s strength and wisdom here!  That said, we both want to honor our parents.  This issue is a tricky one, and often difficult – as evidenced by all of the MIL horror stories we hear about!

But I do not think this is just a MIL issue.  Chances are, most (if not all) of us have at least one difficult family member/relative.  Do you find this relationship gets more difficult when your husband is deployed?  Perhaps that person is a worrier, or perhaps you just find yourself more busy and with less time to help this particular relative, or perhaps you are simply not able to meet their needs.  You are not alone!

It is a difficult situation.  However, God does not call us to merely sit still and complain about difficult situations!  We are to show love – His love!  So while I may not feel completely comfortable with my MIL, I am still called to love her as the special lady God created her to be.  Actively, prayerfully, and in how I think of her – the attitude of my heart.

How we show this love usually depends on the person we are dealing with, as well as logistics; something like “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman might help you think about how you can best show this person love.

I am also learning that faithful prayer is so powerful!  Praying for someone’s good goes a long way towards helping to love them.  It also reminds me that God loves them.  So I have been praying pretty much daily (I will admit to having missed a day here and there) for my in-laws, as well as my own side of the family.

Finally, I made a list of my MIL’s good points – the things I appreciate the most about her.  And really, these are the things that matter.  It’s like when you get annoyed or upset with your mom or your best friend; you can’t stay that way because the person is too special and too important to you.  You love them.  This is the work that God is doing in my heart as I seek His help and wisdom.  Really, this is the way I should love everyone – focusing on their good, and the fact that they, too, are created in the image of God!

It may be baby steps, but God sees my heart, my motivation, and my efforts to seek Him.  A total transformation, and an ability to love more like Christ, will take time.  Because really, the goal is to let go of my self and let God’s love shine through me.  I am seeking a kind of love for others that is not human, so it has got to come from the Lord.

God will use every opportunity to help us grow and mature, if we let Him.  He tells us in Philippians 2:4 to look to the interests of others.  Even if it is not your MIL, most of us have at least one difficult family member.  I believe God wants us to let Him use that unlikely person to help us grow.  And what a witnessing opportunity!  Like anything else in life, we get better at this with practice.  I want to glorify God with my actions, so here goes.  One step, and one day, at a time.  I praise God that He is big enough to shine through my weaknesses and bring glory to His name!

Are there any difficult people in your life that you struggle to show love?  Do you find that it is worse while your husband is deployed?  How has/is God helping you in this situation?

It was another Skype call followed by another set of tears.  While trying to maintain some kind of resolve and a degree of composure, I felt myself breaking like the snow-laden branches outside my window.   Not wanting to make things any more difficult for my spouse who is living a life of working 15 hour days, 7 days/week in a foreign, often dangerous land, I quickly hit the “End Call” button.  My heart said, “Don’t let go!” while my head said, “Don’t add to his difficulty.”

Surely I was doing something wrong.  Did this really have to be so hard?  Why was I still having days when I just dissolved emotionally?  I mean come on, I am a child of God Almighty.  My husband and I have been married for 28 years.  This is not the first time we have walked through deployment.  For pete’s sake, I even write pieces of encouragement for military wives!  What a fraud.  Why was I such a failure?

I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no

one can shut.  I know that you have little strength,

yet, you have kept my word and not denied my name.

Revelation 3:8 (NIV)

Wow.  God knows.  He knows exactly how I am doing.  I may fool the world, my friends, my children or even my spouse, but God knows my deeds.  And He sees my hurt.

Wow.  God has an open door for me.  As I wait anxiously to develop the ability to “properly execute a deployment” (whatever that means!), God is ready and available to help me the minute I stop thrashing through the deep waters trying to do everything by myself.  He makes His power readily available to me anytime I choose to walk through His always open door.

Wow.  God knows that I have little strength.  No matter what I expect of myself or feel like others expect of me, God is keenly aware of my condition.  I have total need of His grace and mercy just to make it from one day to the next.  And no matter how good a show I may put on for others, He is always aware of my limitations.  They have not escaped his gaze nor caused Him to look upon me with disappointment.

When I view my current situation through the lens of God’s word, I find that I am indeed a woman of little strength.  And, amazing as it may seem, that thought gives me peace.   As we draw closer to the close of my spouse’s military career, I realize the day is probably not going to come when I do deployments well.  So, that is my underwear hanging on the line – I am a military spouse who does not handle deployments well.  Who sometimes dissolves into tears at the end of (or even during) a Skype call.  A woman of little strength.  But I serve a God who is strong indeed.  And His word encourages me.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10b (NIV)

My friend Teri Lynne is one of my cheerleaders in life, and she sent me a link to a post that had her–and me–moved to tears.

Her friend Erin blogs at “Closing Time” and she wrote about saying goodbye to her husband—and observing a woman saying goodbye to her soldier.

You can click here to read her story, as she graciously gave me permission to share it with you.

Sometimes we as military wives don’t think anyone sees, notices, or even cares about what we go through. God sees. He knows. And He opens others’ eyes.

If you have never had anyone say “thank you” for your sacrifice, let me say it: Thank you.

At the beginning of each year, there is a desire within me for a new beginning, a fresh start.  We are four weeks into the New Year and yes that desire is still there, but something is different.  In a “normal” year, I like to sit down the first week of January and make a list of goals of what I want to accomplish during the upcoming year.  Realization is starting to settle in and I am figuring out that 2010 is not one of those “normal” years.  I am in the midst of my husband’s deployment, working full time and a mother of a busy teenager.  So, at the end of the day, my only goal is to get in bed and try to fall asleep at a decent hour so I can start the next day all over again.  Does this sound familiar to some of you?

Goal setting for me has always been about what I want to accomplish in the New Year.  Even though I have not taken the time to write out my goals for this New Year, God has used the last couple of weeks preparing my heart for His goals that He has for me.  Whether it is through reading His word, listening to excellent teachings of His word, having conversations or quiet time in prayer, God is speaking to me and this year I do not want to miss what He is saying.  I would like to share with you some thoughts and scriptures that God has given me that may help you look at goal setting differently and also help you reach your God-given potential this year.

Just recently I read and studied the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11.  Jesus had asked for the stone to be rolled away from the tomb.  Martha’s response was no different than how we would have responded.  She told him there would be a stench since Lazarus had been dead for four days.  Jesus replies to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”  A question that was asked of me, I now ask of you.  What stone in your life are you refusing to roll away?  I truly believe that if God has given us dreams and visions for our life, He will sometimes ask us to roll away some stones.  Do you believe?  Do you want to see the glory of God?  This year allow and cooperate with God as He prepares you for what He has in store for you.

Whatever goals God has given you to achieve this year, refuse to live your life without passion and enthusiasm.  Ecclesiastes 9: 10 (NKJ) states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.”  Refuse to overlook or lose sight of the gift that God placed in you.  Paul, in his letters to Timothy, tells him in 1 Timothy 4:14, “Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery.”  Paul reminds him again in 2 Timothy 1:6, “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.”

This new year, join me as I prayerfully ask God what He wants to accomplish through me in 2010.  He has something spectacular prepared for each of us.  Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) states, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

I recently read an article in our paper’s “extra” section about the effects of surprise reunions on military kids. The story they featured was from the St. Petersburg Times and was reported as being one of the best-read stories the day it ran. Over one hundred people left emotional and heartfelt online comments in response to the story of Army Sgt. 1st Class Michael Spaulding’s surprise reunion with his fifth grade daughter in her classroom. A photographer and news media were there to capture the long-anticipated moment between father and daughter.

Since then, this type of reunion has attracted criticism with experts claiming the possibilities of potential damage to the surprised children. The article went on to talk about the potential for the children to hold anger during a deployment and that there are no guarantees on how the children are going to react to such a surprise. One professor even suggested that such exposure would make an already overwhelming situation even more stressful.

However, the wife of Army Sgt. 1st Class Spaulding disagreed. She talked about the support of her community, including their daughter’s class who became pen pals with Spaulding and sent him letters and cards throughout the deployment. The teachers who witnessed the reunion all had positive responses and developed a greater understanding of what it means to go through a deployment. Some say that having a heads up gives children the opportunity to mentally prepare and that being able to look forward to their soldier’s homecoming is all part of the fun. While keeping the focus on the child, they dipped into the controversy of exploiting the military family verses raising awareness and support for the military family.

If you have ever been through deployment you know one is not the same as the next. It’s almost like being pregnant and giving birth. While the overall situation was the same, 9 months of pregnancy and a baby at the end, each pregnancy and birth was very different.

Several years ago when my husband went to a Special Operations Unit, I thought the idea was splendid. I romanced the idea of shorter deployments and the idea of never having to be apart for a year. I will admit that shorter deployments are nice. The count down isn’t as long and I can see the end fairly quickly. The part I wasn’t ready for was all the emotion that goes with deployments. It doesn’t matter if the time apart is 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year, there are a ton of emotions to go with the deployment.

When you first send your spouse off you have the initial “OH MY GOSH HE’S GONE” Syndrome. I don’t pick up anything he left out for at least a week. You have the tears and the days where you want to pull the covers over your head and tell the world to go away. Especially if the people that call or come by aren’t military friends or family. It’s been my experience that civilian friends and family don’t understand our deployment life. They really don’t understand the hide under the covers day. This phase of deployment also starts the point where I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for my husband to return.

Once a few days have passed, I decide it’s time to take deployment by the horns and conquer it. I am in “CONQUER THE DEPLOYMENT” Phase. At this point I decide to move furniture, by furniture, take classes, a new bible study, or the kids have a new adventure with sports or something of the sort. This is the part of deployment where people will look at you and simply say “I don’t know how you do it.”While you appreciate the comment and smile you secretly want to dust their house or wash that mark off the wall.

Then we get to about mid tour and I get to the phase of deployment called “I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE!” During this junction in the road I have decided, for my husband, that he simply needs to leave the military as fast as possible when he gets back. Whatever way will get him out and we won’t have to endure another deployment will work just fine for me. This part of deployment is frustrating for me. I want my husband home yesterday. I can’t go back to stage one and eat Chips Ahoy and pull the covers over my head because of phase 2. I have signed us up for all of these new things that are taking place and are still in full swing.

After a few weeks pass the frustration of phase 3 starts to leave. The return date gets closer and I start in on phase 4. “I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN.” I begin to think I can finish this deployment a sane mama and wife. I begin to think that this deployment while difficult, didn’t kill me and I am may be stronger for it. It’s almost close enough to start counting down the days with all those cute countdown tickers in the signature lines. Now I start to rearrange furniture and cupboards, drawers, whatever I can get my hands on. My husband wouldn’t feel like he was at home if he didn’t have to relearn where I put everything while he was gone.

Then we journey towards the phase of deployment called “WELCOME HOME!” My husband’s return is so close I can taste it. I must buy anything and everything new. Bras, panties, clothes, get my hair done, clean the house, rearrange a few more things, and OH YA! clean the garage. During the phase 2 and 4 everything that left the living space of the house has made it to the garage and stayed there. I must clean the garage so my husband can walk through it. The kids and I start to make WELCOME HOME Banners and I will tell anyone that will sit still for 2 seconds that my husband is almost home.

Now we get to the fun part. T-2 days and counting. I’m sure I have never really slept at the T-2 phase. I keep thinking of things I need to do or should have done. I’m to excited to sleep and start to think about which new outfit I will wear when I pick my husband up. I envision his face as he sees us. I can almost feel us holding each other tight. We are almost done with deployment.

FINALLY! It’s R DAY. Reunion Day. Today is the day I thought would never come. He is within my hands reach and we are in the same town, same space, same time zone and will be together again. I no longer have to be a single parent or great fixer of all things. I no longer have to be macho mom. I can just be mom. When I finally get to hug my husband I feel like I can breathe again. I can exhale and relax just a little bit. I can lay in the bed without extra pillows and fall asleep with my head on my husband’s chest. Our home is our home again.(with exception to the things my husband has moved because he wasn’t sure where they went)

Now just like giving birth you forget about how much deployment hurts. The longer my husband is home the more I start to think that if we have to do deployment again we will be okay. The deployment was hard but we grew as parents, a married couple and individuals. While I’m not hoping deployment comes knocking I know we would get through it again.

“He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.” Psalms 30:5 The Message.

(cross posted at http://adventuresofafrazledmilitarywife.blogspot.com)

I’ve been so bad recently at finding time for prayer. I can blame it on being busy, or being lazy; but I think my real reason is fear. I feel like if I just keep moving and don’t stop to think, maybe my emotions won’t catch up with me. My husband being deployed is so scary. It’s scary because there’s so much I don’t know- so much he can’t tell me. It’s scary because the news never reports anything good. It’s scary because I have no control over this situation. I think I’m afraid that if I stop to pray, stop to let God in completely right now, I’ll feel as though I’ve lost control. The fact of the matter is, I cannot fathom anything happening to my husband. And I worry that if I really am at peace with this deployment mess, then I’ll open myself up to the possibility of tragedy. I can’t imagine life without him. I really don’t know how I could function. When he’s not here, I just put certain parts of my life on hold, on pause until he comes back. I can’t imagine that day not coming.

I try not to worry and I don’t want to fear, but this is such unchartered waters for me, I don’t know how to approach this. I want god to be in control, to know my heart and occupy every inch of it, but I’m so afraid. I just need him in my life and part of me feels almost like we still haven’t gotten that chance! Long distance and constant deployments, it’s hard to not desire a “normal” life and marriage. But I love him with all that I am and I am so unbelievably proud of the man he is. I’m grateful for his presence in my life, no matter what the distance between us is. And I can’t help but see clearly God’s hand in our entire story. Our meeting, our dating, our marriage, and our daily walk.

God, help me open my heart to you, trust in you, and to not be fearful but confident of this deployment and your presence in it. And Genesis 31:49.  SHMILY

This time of year we generally start getting requests by community organizations and churches who are interested in helping and showing support to military families going through deployment during the holidays.

Please help us help you by emailing me at sara@wivesoffaith.org if you are going to be going through deployment during the Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays.

Please observe the following:

• In the subject line of your email, type “Deployment and Holidays”
• Let me know where you’re located and where your husband is.
• Let me know if and how many children you have and what ages.
• Let me know if you are involved in a church in your area and the name of the church and city.
• Any special circumstances you’re dealing with.

If and as we get requests, we will contact you if there’s an opportunity that arises. Thanks!

Mark 2. It’s a story in the Bible that I’ve grown very attached to. I’ve spoken on it several times, but I first learned about it from a friend at a very impressionable time in high school.

Mark 2 is the story of Jesus healing the paralytic. I’m sure you’ve heard it before; so had I. But when this friend related it to me, the way he spoke about it really hit my heart. There was a paralytic who, for his entire life, could do nothing more than lay on a mattress. His friends, who were believers, tried to talk him into going to see Jesus, but he was too embarrassed by his condition to try. I wonder if maybe he doubted that it would help. He was hopeless. Despite his refusal, his friends CARRIED the man on his mattress to go see Jesus. When they got to where He was, there were thousands of people gathered around the house, waiting to see Him. Never discouraged, the friends carried the paralytic onto the ROOF; busted THROUGH the roof and lowered the man down to see Jesus. Here the Bible says, “When Jesus saw THEIR faith, He said, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’”

Because of THEIR faith? WOW. That gives me such encouragement. How many times in my life have I been grouped into inaccurate or negative stereotypes? How many times have I been assumed guilty by association because of who I hang out with or am surrounded by? “Oh, she’s just another young mom.” “Oh, she’s a military wife.” “Her husband’s not around; she can’t understand what marriage is really like.” But to be grouped in with the friends from this story? Friends who have so much faith, that I would reap the benefits? I would gladly be associated with them! I would gladly be passed off as one of them.

There are times in my life when my emotions get the best of me; when I don’t have the strength, the patience, or even the words to pray. These are the times when I need these friends the most. Friends who will spread out the prayers for me and speak the words I cannot find. These are the times I need friends who are faithful despite my pity parties and Debbie downer moments. Friends who will pick me up and break through a roof, just so I can see the face of Christ!  This is the love and support that I have found in my friends and my family. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by strong women who not only pray for me, but with me too. My prayer is that I can be one of these friends, one of these women who have faith so strong they can carry a friend during a hard time, down a tough path, or even through a roof.

Visit Gina’s blog, “One Day at a Time.”

The sea bags are packed.  The buses are ready.  The plane waits on the tarmac.  The day has finally come.  Tomorrow night my husband will lay his head down to sleep in a desert many time zones away.  And I am at home feeling like a woman who had few choices in all these decisions.  Wasn’t my “How about retirement?” suggestion a good idea?  How about my thoughts on whether or not it was really our turn to walk this road again?  I realized years ago the military was not particularly interested in my opinion, but this time neither God nor my husband were either, at least not interested enough to change directions on the path where God was leading and my husband was following.  So here I am, a woman out of control.  Are any choices left for me?

Once again, God’s word speaks to my heart:

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the river, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living.  But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.       Joshua 24:15 (NIV)

I get to choose whether serving the Lord seems desirable to me.  I get to choose who I will serve during this deployment.  I get to choose whether or not I will waste my time.  Suddenly, I am a woman with many choices.  Choices I can make each day we walk this path called deployment.

There is definitely a part of me that struggles on some days thinking maybe the choice I should be making today is to listen to the voice of chocolate, or anger, or self pity or despair.  Hiding under the covers for days can even look like a reasonable alternative.  Maybe I will just choose to drown myself in activity.  How can there really be anything wrong with getting things done?  How about pulling some of my acting skills out of the handbag?  If I simply put on a Pollyanna face, then dealing with the issues in my heart can simply wait for another day.  There are not many stores in my town selling little golden idols likes the ones mentioned  by Joshua in the choices He offered the Israelites, but I only fool myself if I believe these choices do not hold the same danger for me those golden idols held for the Israelites.

For me, there is truly only one choice that can turn this deployment from ugly, wasted time to a benefit for our family and glory for God.  I must choose each day to serve the Lord.  Not chocolate.  Not activity.  Not ignoring the struggle with a plastic smile.  Not even myself.  I must choose to serve the Lord. 

Making that choice will not erase the difficulties that lie in the days ahead.  It will not bring my husband home any sooner.  Oh, but what freedom in being able to choose the one thing that can bring me peace, even in the days that are hard.  Since God has allowed any struggle that comes my way, He can use it – even the sorrow, loneliness and hard days that can come with a deployment.  Nothing in my life will be wasted when I choose to place it in God’s sovereign hands by serving Him.  I do not have to spend the next few months wasting time.