Wives of Faith

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

by Leeana Tankersley

My husband is gone this week. He was home last week. Gone the week before. Some seasons it feels as if I’m married to this gust of wind that blows in, changes the landscape, and then rushes right back out. The whole bluster happens so fast that I’m left tired to my core, sidelined by this low-lying soul-fatigue.

This week I began to flirt with despair, wondering how in the world I was ever going to find my stride. Two sick fourteen-month-olds. No husband. No freedom. No sleep. No relief.

Out of nowhere, Steven Holcomb comes to mind.

Last weekend, I watched a special on Holcomb, the driver for our gold-medal-winning U.S. Olympic Bobsled team. Holcomb suffers from a degenerative eye disease, and his eyesight had become so poor that he almost retired before the 2010 Olympics. Devastated, his coaches talked him into an experimental surgery that placed a permanent contact lens in his eyes. Ten minutes after the surgery, Holcomb’s eyesight was perfect.

So why was his first run with 20/20 eyesight such a total disaster?

Because Holcomb’s eyesight had deteriorated so much, he had come to rely on other senses to help him navigate. He had learned to “feel” the course instead of see it. His new eyesight was getting in the way of this intuition, of the intricate faith he had developed with the sled.

So, in an act of rebellion, he scratches and nicks and smudges the visor on his helmet. Peering out from behind the assaulted plastic, Holcomb climbs back into the sled. This time, his run is perfect.

In a beautiful scene, the camera zooms in on Holcomb in a room alone, eyes closed, swerving and swooping his way around the room as if he were floating through the curves of the course, moving with the bobsled, dancing. This exercise has become a pre-run ritual.

I had tears in my eyes as I watched him turn and sway with such grace and ease. I thought about how rarely we can really see much at all of life, but how we desperately long for clarity and vision. And, though it’s so hard, how much better off we are relying on faith instead of sight.

Holcomb’s story teaches me that, as it often turns out, seeing isn’t always the best thing. Sometimes believing helps us trust the ride so much more.

I hate it when my husband’s gone. I hate that I have to go one single day without him, that our sweet little babies have to go a single second without the love and fun of their daddy, that I have to keep making my way through life even though he’s gone. And yet, I find myself holding on to the truth that sometimes not-seeing can connect us to something or someone we love in ways that seeing never could.

So, today, since I can’t see my husband, I’m closing my eyes and leaning into the turns and feeling the track and embracing the ride even though I feel scared and unsure. I’m choosing to believe in what we have and I’m choosing to believe in what God’s given us because I know that faith is the handle we hold on to when we can’t see a thing (Hebrews 11:1, The Message). Most of all, I’m trusting that God sees us both with a kind of transcendent God-vision that looks straight through our skin and into the transformation of our souls.

In my here-today-gone-tomorrow marriage, I’m trusting that God put us on this track for a reason. I truly have no clue where we’re headed. I can’t begin to anticipate the particularly difficult curves that will certainly come. My visor is unbelievably scratched and grooved.

So, in lieu of being able to see much of anything (my husband included), I’ll close my eyes and dance around the room, holding on and letting go all at the same time.

Leeana Tankersley
www.gypsyink.com

Leeana’s first book, Found Art: Discovering Beauty in Foreign Places, begins as she steps off the plane in Bahrain, the pin-dot island in the Middle East where she and her Navy SEAL husband spent their first year of marriage. Found Art follows Leeana as her life and her soul are changed forever.

Fear has been my greatest struggle in life. It was only this past year that I realized how much fear controlled and negatively impacted my life. It happened during a conversation with my husband, when he made the observation that pretty much everything sinful that I struggle with, every bad decision I make, and every fight we have is based ultimately in a root of fear. At first I didn’t think he was right, but as I began to observe my life over the next few weeks and “track things back” when bad things happened, I realized that his observation was spot-on.

Realizing the problem has only been part of the battle. Once I realized that I WAS afraid, I had to ask myself WHY I was afraid and what I was afraid of. The whys and whats were really numerous. My life has been wonderful, but I’ve had to deal with a lot of difficult circumstances that have brought me a lot of pain. With each hurt I have experienced I find myself both desperately fearing yet expecting similar problems in the future. That fear and expectation causes me to act and react in negative ways when I get into a situation similar to one in which I have experienced deep pain in the past. I see this everywhere in my life . . . with churches, schools, spiritual leaders, friends, and relationships . . . even with God. My fear causes me to suspect everyone and everything I see and know, to expect them to hurt me, and not to trust anyone, even those closest to me who have proven themselves over and over. While I have many “friends,” beyond my family, there are but one or two other people who really know me, know what I’ve been through, and who I can trust to tell anything. Sometimes my fear will cause me to imagine things that aren’t true. Then I either pull away from people, or I lash out at them and accuse them of things that they haven’t even (or haven’t yet) done.

Around the same time I was having these immensely helpful realizations, I began seeing a family counselor on post. Now, I definitely do not bank on everything that modern psychology has to say, but my counselor has been very helpful with helping me overcome fear. She gave me some materials on the “ABC Model of Rational Thinking.” Basically, the ABC model shows that most of the circumstances that happen in life happen this way: There is A, an “activating event.” In other words, something happens. Then we have B, “beliefs” about that event. This usually happens in a split second. Then we have C, the “consequences” of those beliefs–usually initial emotions and then reactions to those beliefs. Where we face problems, especially when it comes to fear and how fear affects our lives, is in the B step. Something happens, and, in my life, I am initially fearful. Then I react to those fears and eventually regret the consequences.

What I am trying to work on is that B step. How? First of all, when something happens, I try to analyze my thoughts and beliefs. What I’m finding is that, many times, my thoughts and beliefs are completely irrational and based in deep-rooted hurts from my past. When I realize that, then I can combat those irrational thoughts with truth.

What I quickly realized is that everything my counsellor was telling me was, in one way or another, something that I could find directly in Scripture. One of the verses that came to my mind was Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

2 Corinthians 10:5 says this: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…”

I realized that all I was doing in evaluating my thoughts (step B), was in this verse! Taking those irrational thoughts and casting them down. Taking captive those foolish thoughts that would cause foolish behavior!

Further, once I was able to recognize irrational thinking, I could combat it with truthful arguments. As we are encouraged in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest . . . think on these things.”

It was so amazing to see God using an unsaved woman to remind me of HIS truth and shed a new light on it!

What I’d like to do now is share with you a few tips that I have been adapting into my daily life to help me overcome fear. These are in no way all-inclusive, nor is this meant to be any “5 step program to overcoming fear.” These are just things that I have found to work for me, based on the work that I’ve been doing in counseling and the things that God has taught me through His Word:

• Be observant of your own life. Watch for areas where you are letting fear in the door of your heart. Recognize how your fears negatively affect your life and your relationships with other people. Think ahead about situations that could make you fearful, and try to combat your fears before you even get into the situation.
• Be on the lookout for irrational thinking. Once you begin looking for it and analyzing your thoughts, you’ll be amazed at how crazy your thoughts can be!!
• Combat irrational thinking with facts and the truth of Scripture. Tell yourself those things which you know to be true. Meditate on verses. Listen to Godly music that can help encourage you. (Philippians 4:8)
• Share your thoughts and fears with someone you trust. My “someone” is my husband. Sometimes just saying out loud what I am afraid of helps me to analyze its rationality. It also gives my husband the opportunity to remind me of the facts and truth that I can use to combat my fear. When we get into a situation where he knows I am fearful, he is right there to reassure me all the way.
• If you find that your fears are rational and indeed something you have every right to be afraid of, give your fears over to God. Remember that your worrying won’t change the situation, and that God is watching over you no matter what. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (1 Peter 5:7). What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. (Psalm 56:3)

I’m going to end with an example—an embarrassing one for me, but a good example nonetheless. Over Christmas, we had plans to go spend 10 days with my parents and my siblings. This year would be a little different, though, as my younger brother would be bringing his new girlfriend home to meet the family. Only problem was that his girlfriend is a year older than I am. While I didn’t mind that, for him, as the time neared for us to meet, I had this insanely controlling fear that for some reason my husband would be attracted to this girl. (Disclaimer: My husband has never given me reason to doubt his love or faithfulness, I am just an extremely jealous wife because of other situations I have been in in the past.)

Before I began on this process, what would have most likely happened would have been something like this:

I would have said nothing, we would have spent time with the family. I would have been on-edge constantly, watching my husband and this girl like a hawk. I would have misinterpreted every look, word, or action as flirtation and interest. After seeing enough I would have pulled hubby aside, accused him of all sorts of absurdities, and a huge fight would have erupted. This would have resulted in a lot of unneeded friction and over-all family weirdness at the very least, and at the worst possibly some permanent damage between me and my future sister-in-law.

Thankfully, I was already being more aware of my thoughts. So when these fears crossed the paths of my mind I purposed in my mind not to let this affect me. I told myself truthful things about my husband, about the way he has proved himself to me over and over. I reassured myself of his love for me. Then, before the trip, I went to my husband and told him, not in an accusatory way, but rather gently, that this was something I was fearful of. I may have even prefaced it by saying something like, “I know this is crazy and irrational, but . . . .”

My husband reassured me right then and there of his love and that I alone held his heart, and I was able to relax. Although we didn’t speak of it any further, I noticed that during our stay with my parents, he made extra effort to be reassuring and sweet to me, especially if in the same room or engaged in conversation with this girl. Simple things like holding my hand went a long way to make sure that I knew that his thoughts and attentions were always focused on me.

Now, of course, it all seems very silly (like I said, this is rather embarrassing for me). But it was the best example I could think of as far as how I was able to overcome fear in a difficult situation.

I hope that this has been helpful. Overcoming fear is a process that I deal with daily, and I fail much of the time. What I have given you here is simply what God has been working on with me in my own life.

This post was originally published at Hawthorn Tree.

Fresh starts just don’t happen overnight. Everyone who has ever had one knows that. Sometimes they may even take years. For some, it may be that they are finally able to go back to school and finish that degree. For others, it may just take years to build up the courage (or frustration) to take a leap from the light of the known into the darkness of not knowing where we have to depend on the Unseen to guide each movement.

My journey, thus far, has had a few fresh starts, mostly because of my unwillingness to step out on faith. That’s hard to admit out here in the open. But, in plain honesty it is not less than that. That is not to say that I have never stepped out on faith. It just took me longer than it should have. That is obviously said in hindsight. However, after all these years shouldn’t I have learned a few lessons? But here I am again, even after saying over and over again how I would never again base my life decisions on fear, I am faltering on the cliff’s edge. This time, I’m not sure how much is fear (a little, undoubtedly) and how much is that I have to die to myself (my aspirations, my pride, my old goals, my pride, my expectations, mine and those that I perceive that other have for me, my pride). I think you get the picture.

For the better part of a year my mind has consistently settled on one story in The Bible. It digs deep into the crevices of my heart. There have been times that I hear the hero’s cry to God pour from my own soul, if not my lips. From the depths of Sheol (the grave), I cried out. And God, our unchanging Counselor, heard my cry. That may seem like strong words. But, I was there. And during that time, God brought Jonah’s tale to my mind.

At first I took that verse as is, a comfort. Jonah, called out to God in the direst of need and God listened to him. That verse was God saying to me, Amber, it doesn’t matter how bad off your situation is, I can hear you and I’m listening. As time went on Jonah still held a place in my mind. I began to study the story again. It was then that I realized that I had more in common with Jonah that I really liked to admit. He was running. I was running. He made the choice to disobey based on his pride. My choice, to remain in place in the uncomfortable familiar was due to my pride. I had known that I was running the entire time. I had been knowingly walking in disobedience, dangerous territory from the outset. By staying put and refusing to move I was acting just as much in opposition to God’s will as Jonah was by running the opposite direction of Nineveh.

Fighting God head on is a losing battle. We will eventually be forced to make a choice between dying to ourselves and following His guidance or death, real physical and spiritual death. Jonah chose to die to himself in the belly of that fish. His spirit conceded to God’s will. He agreed to lay aside his pride and do what God had instructed him.

Unlike the hero of the story, I will not be able to ask my shipmates to throw me over. That’s not His plan for me. No, I have to step up on that plank all by myself and jump into the depths of Him.

I have made the choice to make a new beginning in God’s will. Now I ask him for the strength to lay down my pride and to take the leap to the fresh start my soul is craving.

Jonah’s Prayer

Jonah 1:1-2, 6 and 9

1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
“In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.

6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.

9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD.”

Lord, thank you for loving me even though I’m bullheaded and full of pride. Thank you for bringing me out of the depths. Help me to make the right decisions and to follow you. Guide my steps and heal my heart. Amen

“Fear never wrote a symphony or poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.”
- Fearless by Max Lucado

I am reading the book, Fearless by Max Lucado, and this part really had be thinking. I am a fearful person. I always have been. It is has been something I have struggled with my whole life, and something I have never been really able to overcome.

When I read this quote, it really hits me. None of those things could have been done if those people had been fearful.
“Fear never wrote a symphony or poem.”
Think of all the beautiful music written by people who were unafraid. Unafraid that they would fail, and unafraid of what people thought. Think of Fanny Crosby who wrote about 8,000 hymns, and she was blind! If she had been afraid to write them we would not have had those beautiful hymns today.

“Fear never negotiated a peace treaty or cured a disease.”
For those generals and soldiers who were not afraid to step out with their white flag, and ask for peace. For those who dedicate their whole lives to the cure of a disease. They are not afraid of catching that disease, they only care about curing it. If they feared it like some would, we would not have the cures, and shots that save us today.

“Fear never saved a marriage or a business.”
Think of all the people who are may be afraid to step out and take the first step to saving their marriage. Think of all those who were unafraid to take that first step, and what a difference it made in their lives.

There are so many amazing things that people have done because they did not let fear interfere with their lives! If we let fear control our life, how can we live life to the fullest? We can’t. I don’t know about you, but I am going to determine to not let fear run my life. I don’t have to live in fear or worry of every little thing, I can have courage and trust in the Lord, and live life to the fullest!

“Would you do it all over again?”

That’s the question a radio host recently asked me. I was on his show to talk about GOD Strong but most of his questions seemed to focus on the plight of the military family. We talked about the difficulties military families face, the struggles of the soldier, the heartache those at home experience. I shared my own experience with deployment, talking about our first one just over two years ago and the new one we’re preparing for.

And the host wanted to know. With everything that’s happened in our world, in our country and the challenges military families face and we anticipate will continue to endure – is it really worth being part of it?

And with no hesitation, I said yes.

This life isn’t without its hardships. It’s true that as a reservist wife, I haven’t had to move every three years. But I have had to watch my husband struggle with finding a job, knowing it’s his military ready reserve (and deployment eligible) status that is the 90% factor that’s keeping him from getting hired in an already tight job market. The suggestion from others that maybe it’s time to leave the military has come up several times in the past year. But we stay. And we endure.

Because it is worth it.

As I told the host, there is something significant about being part of something that’s bigger than yourself. Doing something that makes a difference for millions of people who will never know your name, never see your face or have any idea of the sacrifice your family makes on their behalf. Every time a Soldier, Airman, Sailor or Marine puts on that uniform, every time a spouse says goodbye, every time a child looks at the picture of the parent who can’t be there right now – someone is being saved. Many are being protected. All are being cared for by some.

But as a spouse, I’m sure you can agree with me that patriotism and the desire to do something good will only get you so far. Faith is the bigger part of the equation. And I have seen mine grow in ways that I might never have had my husband not joined the military. Because when God removes us from our comfort zones, He does it for a purpose. To grow us. To stretch us. But ultimately, to bring us closer to Him. To form that relationship if it hasn’t already been there. To grow that relationship in love and commitment and trust. To bind that relationship with assurance that He is the one we can always count on.

I was reading in Psalms this morning and parts of Psalm 31 seem to reflect what many military wives often feel, particularly during deployments.

“Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.” (v.s. 9-10)

“I am a dread to my friends – those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery.” (vs. 11b-12)

How often do we feel broken? Like shards of dried clay we desperately try to put back together? We can certainly feel that way during deployment. Or any other time in life when our circumstances seem overwhelming or impossible to overcome.

But this verse caught my eye. “Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love” (v.16).

I want God’s face to shine on me, like a warm ray of sunlight on a snowy wintry day. For that to happen, my face needs to turn toward His. My focus needs to be on Him. This doesn’t mean life is one big tanning party. Shadows will still appear. But a peace exists that would not without His face shining, a hope prevails that would not without his unfailing love that surrounds me. And if God’s face shines on me, than ultimately, His face should be reflected in everything I do. To everyone I talk to.

Ouch. That’s a tough one, isn’t it? I know that His face is not always reflected in my actions, in my thoughts, in my heart. You may feel the same way. But we can’t give up in trying. Because how can we ask for the gifts that God so often bestows on us and not be willing to share those with others? How can we seek His peace and care and shelter and hope and not try to pass on those things to our husbands, our children, the other military wives we come into contact with, the checkout lady at the commissary or even that cranky know-it all currently leading your FRG? Do we avoid or do we engage? Do we only receive, or do we reflect and radiate what He’s given us?

This is a challenge I hope all of us will embrace this week. Ask God to let His face shine on you – and give you an opportunity to reflect His unfailing love to others.

The following is an excerpt from Sara Horn’s new book, GOD Strong: A Military Wife’s Spiritual Survival Guide.

One of the hardest parts of the military life is the deployment. Being separated from your spouse can be emotionally grueling, depressingly solitary, and overwhelming. If you let it be that way.

During our first deployment, I was determined that it would not be that way. I approached this new experience in our lives with the fervor and determination of the defenders of the Alamo; whatever happened, I would not let our family down. I had a plan. I would be the Great Communicator, keeping my husband and son and the rest of our family and friends closely connected.

I would be the Great Organizer, juggling all of my son’s activities, my work responsibilities, church functions, and aforementioned family communications with the ease and skill of one who knows no scheduling conflict.

I would be the Great Cheerleader, offering an unending supply of encouragement to my husband in Iraq and to our son here at home. And to do all of this, I would have to be the Great Health nut. Yes, that was my plan. I would eat right, exercise every day, and stay fit and healthy, stress free and positively motivated throughout the deployment. I would be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. Those incredible endorphins would keep me going!

To help in this quest for uberstrength (or what I ultimately learned is Me Strength), I brought along my iPod to the gym, loaded with the music I thought I needed to “get in the zone.” There were songs on there I had never listened to before but had bought specifically for the deployment – titles like “Fighter” and “Push It’ and “Let’s Get It Started.” I chose songs that encouraged me to push myself, to make my life happen how I wanted it to happen, to be sexy (after all, I wanted to look good when my husband came home), to be a rock star or at least live the confident rock star life. The other songs I owned – songs praising God, songs that reminded me of his goodness, his grace, and his control – were left off my playlist because I’d decided they weren’t intense enough. Not motivating enough. I needed fast and loud. I needed tough and strong.

What I didn’t realize until months later, when I was so spent and worn out and sitting on my couch in the dark, was that I had overlooked God’s strength. I had fooled myself into thinking that because I was Me Strong, I didn’t have to be God Strong. God was there, but at a distance safe enough to keep me from being reminded just how weak I am.

Me Strength Versus God Strength

Developing strong muscles doesn’t happen instantly. Neither does growing spiritual ones. But relying on God’s strength and learning how to embrace him and his values and teachings are daily lessons we can’t miss. His instruction is free and available to us; it is our availability to him that often goes missing. In the military life, strength is everything, and that mindset is brought home to us by our husbands. Strength of body. Strength of mind. We need strength of courage. We must develop and maintain strength with honor and duty and doing what’s right. But weakness is never welcome. Weakness is a weed that threatens bodies and spirits; whether physically or emotionally, being weak can hurt not just one but many. Weakness can hurt a platoon just as it can hurt a marriage. A squad can be damaged; a family crippled.

Because we fear being weak so much, we go out of our way to be strong. But as I mentioned in the last chapter, we can go only so far on our own strength, and when we can’t move another muscle, we automatically think there’s something wrong. I’m not doing something right. My faith must not be where it should be.

But our weaknesses are not reflections of our faith; our weaknesses are just reflections of our humanity.

We’re human. We mess up, we make mistakes, and regardless of what branch of the military we’re in and whether we embrace our military-wife titles with enthusiasm or cynicism, our supplies of strength often come up short. Things don’t go as planned. Life throws curveballs we can’t hit. We grow tired. We fail. We’re unable to do what we need to do, and when that happens, we hang our heads and beat ourselves up and moan and groan and wonder why we can’t handle being military wives any better than we can handle life. We duck our heads when friends say “You’re so strong,” because really, we know different. And we wonder where God is and why we can’t do better.

Paul knew about weakness. His “thorn in the flesh” stayed with him and tormented him throughout his life. He struggled with this flaw constantly. Though we don’t know exactly what it was (perhaps a disease or a chronic ilness), it was troublesome enough that Paul begged God to take it from him three different times (2 Cor. 12:7-8).

Have you ever made a similar request of God? Lord, just take this problem away. God, if you would only make me stronger. Jesus, if you would only let this happen, then this would turn out the way I want it to. But as Paul knew, we often discover that it is only through our weaknesses that God makes us stronger. As God told Paul, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). And how did Paul respond? He let Christ take over. And his faith was strengthened through his weakness.

When you have moments of feeling like you have no strength left, it isn’t necessarily an indication you have no faith left. When you wonder whether you can continue on in a marriage in which your spouse is around only half the time, you must remind yourself that God can be relied on to meet all of your needs (Philippians 4:19). When you are struggling wiht feeling inadequate for the tasks you face each day, you can rely on the knowledge that God is faithful (1 Cor. 1:9), that he’s consistent and trustworthy, and that he will help you (Isaiah 50:7). When overwhelmed by negative emotions, you can hold on to God’s promise that he is with you and that he will quiet you with his love (Zephaniah 3:17).

Feelings can’t be indicators of your faith or belief, because feelings come and go just as surely as sunshine and rain; belief and conviction are much more certain. The sun will come up every day regardless of whether I can see it. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis writes that faith is “the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.” We are emotional creatures, and whether we’re going through deployments or other struggles in life, our emotions can often get the best of us. They are unreliable because they can change with the weather, by the month, the week, even the day.

Faith, however, is much more certain. Whatever the crazy inconsistent emotions I may feel right now, I can have faith that God will give me strength because he has done so before and because I have heard the stories of others whom he has strengthened, both in his Word and in the present day. I can hold tight to what Philippians 4:13 (The Message)  says: “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

Comment: What is your story of how God has strengthened you through deployment?

Purchase God Strong at Amazon, B&N, CBD or anywhere books are sold. Visit godstrongbook.com for more info.

Ahhh, love is in the air. Yes, it is upon us once again. February, the month dedicated to the one emotion that can incite wars, produce Hollywood blockbusters, and cause even the most levelheaded of us to “act a fool,” as the kids say. Love. I love love. And usually, I love the month of February because it means the celebration of love. It also means chocolate and flowers. I love love, but I also really love chocolate and flowers.

Yet, this February I find myself not to be in my normal state of jubilation as I usually am this time of year. It is, of course, directly related to the fact that my love, the one I want to celebrate love with, and the one from whom I would love to receive chocolate and flowers, is deployed. When you find yourself in this state as a military wife, that once exciting celebration of love quickly can turn into a nasty reminder that you are alone on a day that is meant to be shared.

I’ve really been thinking about this a lot lately. How do we as military spouses navigate the sometimes murky waters of relationships when much of our relationship is spent apart? Relationships require time together, and that is something that is often in a dangerous deficit for us military folk.  The world is ready to give us answers that are both unhealthy and wrong. Their answers seem to revolve around us making impetuous choices that seek to destroy any semblance of true love. So, in an effort to answer this question, I had to go to the One source that would tell me truth.

When you want to know the truth about love, your best bet on any day is to go straight to 1 Corinthians 13. This is the definition of love. While I know this to be true for regular people, I wanted to find the definition for those of us who love a military man. I didn’t have to read too far. In fact, I didn’t even have to go past the first three words of verse 4:

“Love is patient…” 1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV

The word patience in the verse means to “be long-spirited,” or to endure “longsuffering” (Strong’s Greek Lexicon). Long spirited, longsuffering, endurance. No other words can best describe what military marriage needs most of all, nor can any other definition reveal what love means to those in the military. Endurance defined is “the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.; the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions.”

When we stepped in front of our God, our family, and our friends and pledged our love, we said that we would continue to love our partner despite “fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions.” Perhaps more so than our civilian counterparts, we have the opportunity with each and every separation to show the patience and endurance that love is supposed to have. Even in times when it can be painful to watch as others rejoice, we are given the chance to truly live God’s definition of love through our patience. Patience in the waiting for our love to return. Patience in the stressors of military life. Patience in the endurance that we as a military spouse have to maintain. It can be hard, I know, but when we love in accordance with His word, it produces a love worth celebrating any time of year.

My husband and I knew, going into marriage, that we would have to keep ourselves focused on God first and each other second.  We knew that we would have to put our expectations on God, not each other, because we are both human.  We will let each other down, even though we don’t want to!  We knew this.  I knew this.

So, why am I having such a hard time with this deployment?  My husband is halfway around the world, and I cannot depend on him to meet my needs; he cannot be here to talk things through, to hold me and tell me he loves me just because I want to hear it, to hang out with me and be there for me in myriad other ways I would like him to be.  He just can’t.  I know that – but I don’t like it!

Some days I must constantly remind myself that I can NEVER expect my husband to meet my needs.  At any time, but especially while he is deployed, it is incredibly selfish and unrealistic for me to be sad or upset that he cannot.  GOD should be my focus.  God never leaves me and is there for me to lean on 24/7.  God will never let me down.  God loves me more than anyone ever could, and knows me better to boot!

Too often I think we look to ourselves and our spouses to meet our needs, even when we think we’re focusing on God!  We can focus on God in some areas where it is obvious we need Him, like major life decisions or emergencies, and feel like we do not need God in areas where our spouse or something else in our life is currently “filling the void” just fine.  We often do not even realize we are doing this until whatever is filling the void is gone or changes; then suddenly we feel empty or incomplete – we notice a void!  We think, when did I decide to fill this area with something other than God?  I know I am guilty!  I have not been focusing enough on God, having been caught up in the bliss of having my husband around most of the months before deployment!  But once we notice such voids, we can ask God to come and fill all areas of our lives.

I am so grateful to have my Heavenly Father ever loving and supporting me!  I know that I do not lean on Him enough, but during this deployment (which has barely begun!) I hope I will learn to go to Him for all of my support and love and affirmation!  Because only when I am full of HIS love can I show true love to my husband and others in my life.  And I know my God is strong and able to fill me with His peace, joy, and love – no matter what the circumstances!

Philippians 4:19 “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”