Wives of Faith

The days fly by, I dare not blink
I have no time to breathe or think.
The sun passes quickly in the sky
And without pause arrives the night.

Morning comes around too soon
Cereal, got it. Grab a spoon.
Fill the tummies, wipe the faces
Off they go to their happy places

The children moving in a blur
With things to build and glue and stir
The colors blend into a grey
Then SPLAT, “Kids, put that away!”

Clear the table, time for lunch
You’d think these kids were born to munch!
One, then two, no three, wait four.
Did I have that many kids before?

Daddy stands, moving away from the pack
He’s got just a minute before he’s due back
First a quick smooch, then a squeeze
“Would you pick up the cleaning, please?”

He looks perplexed when I laugh at his joke
and gobbles down his sandwich and Coke
Before I can utter, “Care for some more?”
He waves good bye and is out the door.

Naptime’s next, I whoop in glee
The next sixty minutes are just for me
I curl up with my book and wrap
and cherish time time of blessed nap

Someone needs me, someone’s singing
Doorbell chimes and phone is ringing
I had one minute of ‘nice and quiet’
Wish the rest would stop and try it!

I’m in the kitchen at the stove
Fizzles and smells and spices and love
Those are the ingredients of my life
I’m mommy and friend and neighbor and wife

We eat our dinner around the table
Talking non-stop in truths and fable
I stop for a minute and take it in
and think, “Tomorrow, let’s do it again!”

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I’ve been putting off writing this story for awhile, but the time has come to get it out on the page, so to speak. Here is the story of our recent move.

Load the Truck Day had finally arrived. We’d been staying in the TLF on base twenty miles away, which meant I was in a hurry to get the girls to their last day of school on time, grab my coffee, and head to the house to let the movers in. On my way to Caribou Coffee, I was in an accident.

We make dozens of small decisions every time we drive our cars. Which route to take, whether or not to take a right on red, how best to merge into traffic. I checked the intersection (a two-way stop on a frontage road next to a four-way signal) and it was clear; then a van pulled in to the intersection to my right, partially blocking my view. I crept out of my stop at the sign, and crunch! A woman drove into my passenger-side front bumper and wheel, rendering my car undriveable.

What happens when you shake a can of soda and then open the tab? It explodes. The same thing happened to me. I’d been organizing our move, taking care of a plethora of details covering the move as well as our temporary living with my inlaws during my daughter’s ballet intensive program. While the move to this point had gone smoothly, I was still stressed out.

That sickening “crunch” and not being able to drive my car caused my “can” to explode. I cried for about an hour straight. Couldn’t stop. Freaked out when the other driver asked for my cell phone (which was in the bottom of my purse and I couldn’t find it), because she’d hit her head due to not wearing her seatbelt. Cried when talking to the police. Cried on the phone to my husband, who had to work on our last day. Cried on the phone to AAA. Cried on the phone trying to find my realtor, to let the movers in and load the truck. Cried in the tow truck. Cried at the dealership. Cried on the phone to USAA. You get the idea. I ended up crying on and off for two days!

As cruddy a situation as we were in, of course God provided for us. In time it all got worked out. The dealership shuttle delivered me home. My husband eventually finished work and came by the house. Our worldly goods drove away. We finished cleaning the house before the new owner’s walk-through. The girls had fun places to be for their last night in town. The dealership agreed to fix the car, and we decided to continue as planned, except in one car: head to Minnesota to spend Memorial Day weekend with my family, and then on to Kansas City to spend a few days with my husband’s family, before heading to Texas to move into the house that will be our home for the next year. We have a friend in the car business who is going to do the body work on my broken car, and he also found us a good used affordable vehicle to buy in the meantime.

As I write this, I realize it’s been four weeks tomorrow since my accident. After a few days of soreness, I was fine physically. Spiritually, once again I find I’m a little weaker than I thought I was. My spiritual muscles must have gotten tired at some point, and my faith was not exhibited as it probably should have been for a “chaplain’s wife.” Nevertheless, it’s been an incredible comfort to me to have friends and family in my corner. Accidents happen, and that’s the way life goes. My accident and my reaction to it was certainly not my finest hour. I didn’t take it in stride, I freaked out about it, and I didn’t exhibit the love of Christ to the woman in the other car as I “should.”

But you know what? God loves me anyway. Simply loves me. John 3:16 attests to that great love: God so loved the world that He sent His Son. Right now, I rest in that knowledge, recover spiritually and emotionally from my ordeal, and continue with the summer as planned.

Oh, and that supposed urban legend about military movers packing and moving your trash? Yeah. It happened to us in my daughter’s bedroom trash can! (Thankfully it was all paper, nothing smelly!)

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Recently I indulged in some escapist entertainment by watching the original 1984 movie The Karate Kid.  Some of you might remember seeing this movie in the theater; others grew up watching reruns of it on cable TV.

Daniel LaRusso is a teen boy who moves from New Jersey to California with his mother. She had the promise of a job in the land of palm trees. While she seems to adjust to her new job quite easily, her son hasn’t had an easy time at all.

During one particularly poignant scene, Daniel is yelling about how much he hates it in their new home state, and he’s obviously upset. His mom is telling him, “I want to understand. How can I help?” and he says, “I don’t understand the rules here.”

Wow. Talk about an “aha” moment! I know that feeling. Don’t you? I’ve felt it as a girl, as a teen, as a young woman, even as a pastor’s wife and military wife.

I don’t understand the rules.

Of course, as the movie’s story goes, Mr. Miyagi overhears this meltdown and befriends Daniel, eventually rescuing him from a brutal beating and teaching him karate. While Mr. Miyagi’s methods have been made fun of throughout the past twenty-six years, the first thing he asks Daniel to do is wash and wax his classic automobiles. He has to “wax on” with his right hand in a circle, and “wax off” with his left hand in a circle. Mr. Miyagi is very specific about that, and while Daniel eventually gets angry about the plethora of chores he’s doing around Mr. Miyagi’s garden, he learns the muscle movements he will need to compete at the karate tournament.

While I’m sure there are more profound analogies out there, or even expositions on the zen of karate or Miyagi-isms, I’d like to hone in on the idea of “wax on, wax off.”

How often do we think we are going to do something a certain way, only to be told we must do it another? Hopefully you don’t have to think really hard about it. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is our recent move. Not everything went according to plan, and the way we thought we were going to wax the car was not the ”wax on, wax off” that ended up happening.

I believe our awesome God works in us and through us so often through the things we experience. He hones and refines us, as in Isaiah 48:10, which says

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; 
       I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

He’s going to test us. Can we “wax on, wax off” as He directs, or are we doing it any old way we want?

For my part, I feel like I’m being refined during this transitional time, where we’re not home in North Dakota, and not yet at home in Texas, but are living in my in-laws’ home in Missouri. I don’t always understand the rules anywhere I am, but that’s ok. I have God, and I’m learning to “wax on, wax off,” to be the woman He wants me to be.

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Remember the “Cat in the Hat” movie that was remade several years ago? Had Mike Myers, Dakota Fanning, the boy Breslin…? There was a scene in the beginning of the movie where the little girl was making a to-do list for the day, and at the top of her list she wrote, “Make to-do list.” That little girl was me.

Every day, from the time I was about 10 years old, I have created lists for myself. They started small, simple and concise. Daily lists with a schedule. Weekly lists for assignments and chores. Monthly lists for birthdays and field trips. Yearly lists with goals and special occasions. They were a way to promise myself that as long as things went according to plan I would be okay. Occasionally, I would forget to include an event, so I’d pencil it in just so I could cross it off. When painful things happened, things that made me cry or get angry, I’d make a new list – Things I’ll Never Do, or People I’ll Never Talk to Again. And they’d get crumbled up and shoved to the bottom of a wastebasket, similar to the way they were shoved to the back of my heart.

As I grew older the lists remained somewhat true to their small beginnings, but came to include such things as oil change, college registration, rent. My wedding day list only had about two weeks to mature and was rather simple: dress, flowers, park, cake, Eric. As sweet as that sounds, it was a rather selfish list. Life was not going according to plan and I was building a wall. That list was the foundation.

Several months into my marriage, having completed the Honeymoon list, and the New Apartment list, and the New Job list, I discovered a weak spot in my husband. A very human weakness that was not on my Perfect Husband list. Anywhere. Not even on the back. Needless to say, I crumbled. How on earth could God send me a man that did not meet all of my requirements? Yes, unfortunately Perfection was at the top of that list. I coped the only way I knew how – I made a new list. This one was filled with ways that I was going to keep myself from letting my husband be human. See the  vicious cycle that was forming?

One day I woke up and couldn’t find my list! I just about fell apart. How on earth was I going to know what to do that day? Instead of rewriting a new list, I scrambled all morning around the kids and dishes and laundry trying to find THAT list. What was I going to do?

My world shook that day, when my eyes were opened to the kind of situation I was in. I felt God showing me the kind of fear I was living with – fear of being out of control, fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt – things my lists didn’t really protect me from anyway.

Although I read my Bible, prayed and went to church, I had forgotten that God also has a list. His never changes, no matter what the day or month or year is.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

It’s taken years to change my mindset, and every day is a fresh lesson for me in letting God have the reins of my life. Do I still have my lists? Of course I do – God made me a type A, list-making kind of person. The difference is, we make them together, God and I. He knows me so much better than I know myself, and when it comes to other people, He’s got me beat – hands down!

What do I see now when I look at my life, and even my lists? I see a woman who is learning to live in the freedom that comes when God is truly in control. I see the little girl in me learning to play and enjoy life, better late than never! I see a (mostly) rested mother and wife, who is learning how to navigate those unexpected spills with grace and humor. I see peace.

Have I arrived? Not at all! I am moving forward a little bit every day, and I am sure that this is a process that will follow me right to the gates of heaven. I surrender my lists and my life every day, into the most capable Hands.

There is another promise that God shares through David,

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

Somehow, that sounds better than anything I could put in a list.

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From the Archives, January 2008:

Did you know that peanuts can be turned into diamonds? It’s true! Scientists have now discovered a technique that harnesses pressures that are even higher than those found at the earth’s core. They are using this technique to turn unlikely substances, including peanut butter, into diamonds!

Professor Malcom McMahon, of the Center for Science and Extreme Conditions at Edinburgh University, is one of the scientists involved in this ground-breaking discovery. He said, “Pressure can cause extraordinary changes in all kinds of materials and can create completely novel materials.”

Of course that kind of pressure would cause extreme changes. But peanuts into diamonds? Who would have thought? I would have guessed it would make some kind of runny, smelly peanut juice, or even a useless, evaporated peanut gas. But never in a million years would I have thought that pressure would turn a peanut into a diamond.

The more I think about it, though, the more it makes sense. And it gives me hope. After all, I am a little bit like a peanut. As much as I long to be sleek, smooth, and sparkly, most days I feel kinda crunchy. I want to be a person of great value and substance, but I don’t always handle pressure well.

It would be much easier for all of us to live lives with no pressure, no difficulties, no hardships. But the honest truth is, if we don’t endure some pressure, we will all stay peanuts. Crunchy snack foods. At times, it may seem that the pressures of this life will overtake us, even destroy us. But if we let them, they will actually turn us into people of great value.

I can look back at the most difficult times of my life so far, and see that they have made me a better person. They have taught me to persevere, and have given me compassion. They have led me to become a wiser, more loving, more caring individual. They have made me less crunchy. Perhaps, if I continue to allow the pressures of my life to change me in a positive way . . . maybe someday I’ll be a diamond.

In the meantime, I think I’ll invest in a peanut farm.

James 1:2 – 4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

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As I write this post, I have about twelve other things I probably “should” be doing. You know, the neverending task list that taunts from the paper upon which it’s noted, or from the back of the mind where it nags and nags and interrupts life . . . or at least, it does with me!

I was doing some dishes and remembered this older song from Steven Curtis Chapman.

Well the day has just begun and I’m already running late
With too many irons in the fire and too much on my plate
I’d be pulling out my hair if I could just get one hand free
And I’d stop this world if I could find the key

What I see is telling me I’m going crazy, but
What is real says God’s still on His throne
What I need is to remember one thing
That the Lord of the gentle breeze is Lord of the rough and tumble
And He is King of the Jungle 

He is the King. Of the rough-and-tumble of our lives, of the crazy corporate or household jungle, or of anywhere and everywhere, really. The King of Kings. Isn’t that amazing!

He can even be King of my to-do list, if I allow Him to have control and surrender it to Him.

I hope this encourages you this week–that no matter how crazy our lives get, and no matter how many irons we try to keep in the fire, or plates spinning in the air, that God is in control and He is the King of the jungle of our lives as military wives, moms, sisters, friends, women.

_____

I attended the Beth Moore simulcast, So Long Insecurity, on Saturday, and there are so many things I want to share! It was an amazing experience and I hope that the lessons I’m learning through the conference and in the reading of the book of the same title will stick with me and that I will be more secure in Him and be able to better serve Him.

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When my husband Steve and I moved to Bahrain, literally days after we were married, I was all of a sudden transported to a world where I knew no one. And because Steve and I had dated seven weeks before getting engaged and then spent the better part of our engagement apart (me in San Diego; Steve in the Middle East), you could safely say that Steve and I didn’t even totally know each other.

During those first few weeks in Bahrain, I spent long hours decompressing from the hectic pace of my western world and embracing the landscape of my new life. I would pull open the heavy green drapes in the master bedroom of our Persian Gulf-facing flat, and I would stare out at the whipping water and just let the peace of it all seep into my soul. At a time in my life when I should have felt the most alone, and I was truly alone, I didn’t feel lonely at all.

One year later, when Steve and I returned back to San Diego, back to my hometown, I was excited to be returning to a place that was familiar and comfortable to me. Immediately, I was blindsided by how much had changed in just one short year. I assumed re-entry into my former job and former relationships and former church would be somewhat seamless, and I was devastated when I realized how much I had changed and how much “home” had changed in my absence. At a time in my life when I should have felt the most surrounded and known, all I felt was utter isolation.

Loneliness is a strange condition, having less to do with the state of our surroundings and more to do with the state of our souls. Thus, confusing and counter-intuitive. Over and over again, I have learned this lesson.

I’ve been a mother now for just over a year. My introduction to motherhood came in a double-dose with the arrival of boy/girl twins. Certain days, the better days, are an adventure. Other days, the lonelier ones, cause me to feel as though I am death spiraling toward an irrecoverable soul oblivion.

Here is one thing that has helped immeasurably:

I meet with a group of eight women every week. Some are married. Some are single. Some with kids. Some without. The common denominator in the group is simply the desire to know and be known. Somehow this shared pursuit binds us together beautifully, mutually supporting and being supported.

Every meeting, we each spend a chunk of time updating the others on the state of our souls. Though rarely comfortable to engage in this level of authenticity, this practice of truth-telling has become essential to my survival. One of our group members reminded me recently that, “when we share our burdens with others, the weight is divided among the hearers and we are left with so much less to carry.”

The most powerful part of the evening—and this never ceases to amaze me—comes directly after each woman shares. The entire group looks at the woman who has just opened up her soul and says in unison, “We see you. We hear you. We love you.”

A sure antidote to the ache of isolation is the awareness that someone sees me, for loneliness breeds whenever I begin to feel misunderstood, taken for granted, overlooked, invisible, or just plain useless.

Each week, my group of women puts words to the message God is forever whispering to me throughout my day. “Leeana, I see you. I hear you. I love you.” They have become his eyes, his ears, and his heart to me.

On the days when I am tempted to run headlong into my own head and begin spinning scenarios of personal invisibility and irrelevance, I send an email to my group. Just the simple act of reaching out allows these women the opportunity to reach in, and the load begins to lighten the minute I press send.

Loneliness has so much more to do with believing the lies of “you’re not worth it,” “you don’t matter,” and “you’re on your own” than it has to do with the number of people on your speed dial. On the days—and they will come—when you’re feeling that the lies may very well overcome the truth, practice the courageous disciplines of opening up, reaching out, and letting in. Small miracles are surely forthcoming.

__________

Leeana’s first book, Found Art: Discovering Beauty in Foreign Places, begins as she steps off the plane in Bahrain, the pin-dot island in the Middle East where she and her Navy SEAL husband spent their first year of marriage. Found Art follows Leeana as her life and her soul are changed forever. She blogs at www.gypsyink.com.

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This is for the super military wife who always thinks of others before herself.

Be kind to yourself today.

When you’re in the grocery store buying your family’s favorite cereal, stop by the flowers and buy yourself a bouquet. Take it home and put it in a pretty vase and set it on your kitchen table. Just because.

When you’re looking at the To Do list that doesn’t seem to be getting shorter, make a new list of everything you have already done. Remind yourself of just how much you’ve already accomplished.

When you’ve gotten the kids to bed (finally) and you’ve started the last load of laundry for the day, sit down in your favorite chair for 10 minutes and treat yourself to the quiet. And breathe.

Be kind to yourself today.

When you find yourself wishing for the 20th time in the last twenty minutes that he would call just so you can hear his voice, eat a piece of chocolate. Or two. And go for a walk in the sunshine.

When you’re struggling to figure out what to do for dinner (again) and wondering why we have to eat anyway, order a pizza and call it gourmet Italian fine dining. Then sit down and watch your favorite chick flick. And laugh.

And when you just don’t know the answers to anything anymore, read what Jesus said in John 16:33. And go for a walk in the rain. With an umbrella. And smile. And maybe stomp in a puddle. If you feel like it.

Be kind to yourself today.

Sara Horn is the founder of Wives of Faith and author of GOD Strong: A Military Wife’s Spiritual Survival Guide.

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Loneliness can set in at home when your loved one is deployed.  It’s an eerie feeling that creeps into the very heart of your home in the form of new noises noticed in the middle of the night that keep you awake or an unfamiliar echo down the hallway or the odd feeling of quiet upon returning home.  As military wives, we dread this time period because it means a definite change in the household structure has occurred, and our life is now different even though it isn’t.  We are embarking on a new adventure alongside our spouse yet are left to take care of what’s been left behind – the homefront.

There’s an old saying that “Home is where the heart is.”  Home has different connotations for each individual because of culture, background, life experiences and other factors.  Home can mean simply a brick home loaded full of furniture, toys and other important mementos.  Home can be a humble apartment dwelling where you are somewhat settled in.  Home can be your family’s home where you return for frequent visits and feel your soul nourished just from those familiar smells that you can’t quite capture in your new home dwelling.  Home can mean being around loved ones who just love you and make you feel safe.  Home can mean a fresh start in a safer environment conducive to your living needs.  Home can create an environment of fortitude and refuge while the craziness of the world halts outside your doormat.  Home is what you make it to be, what it means to you and/or what your soul demands to be fed.

So often, we overlook the best home away from home that nourishes, replenishes and builds back up our soul, and that home is your church home, be it a local church, military chapel on base, chapel post or other.   One question beckons: “Can you call church your home away from home?”

In Ephesians 2:19-22, we learn how we are members of God’s household.  More important, Ephesians 4 captures the importance of unity in the body of Christ.  Even if you relocate more frequently than the number of years you’ve been married, even if you have lived in the same place all your life,  or even if you are in a new location knowing no one, you can seek this home away from home more so than what you realize.

But, you say, I am alone, I don’t know anyone, & I am scared.  How can I call this place my home away from home? We at Wives of Faith are eager to assist you with this very issue.  Our top goal in the coming years is to open and support Wives of Faith chapters so that many military wives like you and I can meet, share, pray, and support one another in addition to your church home.

Your church home is a place where you and your spouse seek spiritual development and growth.  Without it, you are lost, yet you feel lost when sitting in church without him.  It’s an awkward feeling walking into church alone, guiding your children down the hallway to their Sunday school classroom, being by yourself and enduring the sympathetic looks from your peers.  Yet we need to walk this walk with other Christians so as to strengthen our faith and combat on the homefront what comes our way.

Our spouses rely on us to keep the torch lit at home, and that means attending church without them.  Our children need our strength of example to attend church especially during deployments.  Our loved ones feel relief and encouragement when others from the church reach out to us.  Our peers need to know how to best pray and support us during this trying time of separation.

We are not lost.  We wives of faith are a part of something far greater than what we even realize.  Your church home represents the body of Christ, and that includes you and your spouse regardless if it is one or both in attendance.

In addition to regular church attendance, it is important to gather with a group of women who can relate 100% to your experience.  Wives of Faith has been blessed to grow via local chapters, our web site, Facebook page, Twitter page, and our monthly newsletter.  There are so many items demanding the attention of your time and talent that it is easy to overlook attending church or participating in a group such as Wives of Faith.  Consider the positive benefit of joining a Wives of Faith chapter:  fellowship with military spouses encountering similar challenges, encouragement for being a military spouse, support for you and your children, and spiritual development and growth of your faith.  In addition to your church home, Wives of Faith can provide a home away from home.

Stephanie Arredondo is the Wives of Faith Board Treasurer.

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“Fear never wrote a symphony or poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors.”
- Fearless by Max Lucado

I am reading the book, Fearless by Max Lucado, and this part really had be thinking. I am a fearful person. I always have been. It is has been something I have struggled with my whole life, and something I have never been really able to overcome.

When I read this quote, it really hits me. None of those things could have been done if those people had been fearful.
“Fear never wrote a symphony or poem.”
Think of all the beautiful music written by people who were unafraid. Unafraid that they would fail, and unafraid of what people thought. Think of Fanny Crosby who wrote about 8,000 hymns, and she was blind! If she had been afraid to write them we would not have had those beautiful hymns today.

“Fear never negotiated a peace treaty or cured a disease.”
For those generals and soldiers who were not afraid to step out with their white flag, and ask for peace. For those who dedicate their whole lives to the cure of a disease. They are not afraid of catching that disease, they only care about curing it. If they feared it like some would, we would not have the cures, and shots that save us today.

“Fear never saved a marriage or a business.”
Think of all the people who are may be afraid to step out and take the first step to saving their marriage. Think of all those who were unafraid to take that first step, and what a difference it made in their lives.

There are so many amazing things that people have done because they did not let fear interfere with their lives! If we let fear control our life, how can we live life to the fullest? We can’t. I don’t know about you, but I am going to determine to not let fear run my life. I don’t have to live in fear or worry of every little thing, I can have courage and trust in the Lord, and live life to the fullest!

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