Wives of Faith

Good morning! One of the questions that was asked on the Your Family Live webcast yesterday was “How do I follow the biblical mandate of my husband being head of the household (HOH) even when he’s deployed?”

The biblical mandate that’s being referred to comes from Ephesians 5:22-24 – “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

And don’t worry, wives, our husbands also have some big responsibility – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her by washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (5:25-28).

(By the way, I recently heard a pastor speak on this passage and it warmed my heart because so often, when I’ve heard someone speak from this passage, it’s typically pointed toward the wife, but this particular pastor really challenged the husband, and did a great job of tying it all in together as the relationship we have with Christ (with we being the bride of Christ). But I digress, because there’s lots of different issues we could talk about relating to this verse, and I have just one specific point for this post I want to make – so I better get to it! )

This is a great question and one that I know a lot of military wives struggle with. It’s easy, sometimes too easy, to take charge of everything while your husband’s gone but it’s not always easy to give the leadership back when he comes home. And, even while he’s gone, there needs to be some effort made to keep him included in the family and in the day to day decisions.

As I said on the program yesterday, I think communication is a very big thing. You need to talk with each other before he leaves on what your expectations are for how things will go while he is gone. How will you handle unexpected expenses? What’s the cost level both of you agree that you should wait until he calls home to talk about before you go ahead and spend?

What about the kids, what about discipline issues that come up, how can he stay involved? Talking about your husband each day the same way you would if he were there with you also helps. I think sometimes wives can be afraid to do this, especially with their kids, for fear it will make them sadder or upset, but I think it does more harm not to include him in casual daily conversations than to do so. So, it’s better to be able to say “Oh, I can’t wait for us to tell Dad how well you did in school today!”, especially when the day comes that you have to say, “Well, we’re going to have to talk to Dad tonight about this bad grade you got.” He, in turn, can encourage and motivate as well. But it’s important to have all of that talked through and planned out before he leaves so you and he both are on the same page of what needs to happen.

Just because deployment happens, life doesn’t stop. It’s important to remember that deployment is a season and life will go on after it’s over.

I brought this topic up over at our Facebook page and Judi and Shamberly both had some great thoughts to share as well that I will include here.

From Judi, our Clarksville WoF leader: “Even though he physically is not there he is still the head of the house. We work as a team backing up the rules and guidelines we set for our home before the deployment. I think keeping the communications lines open is a big factor. If he calls and life is crazy he will stop and take a few moments to pray for us. He loves to tell our girls, “Daddy’s arm is never too far to reach you…wether for encouragment or discipline.” I think to sum it up preparation, communication and team work.”

From Shamberly, one of our awesome WoF members, and soon to be one of our bloggers :

“One way we try to handle that is to discuss together BEFORE the deployment how certain situations should/will be handled. My husband will share his expectations and preferences, and I will share mine. We discuss everything from finances to disciplining the kids to tasks that need to be done, and how to best handle/take care of them (i.e. should we … See Morehire someone to mow the yard, or is that something I would be able to take care of on my own?)… Talking through things ahead of time and coming to a basic agreement on the “every day things” that are a part of our lives help to keep us on the same page, and keeps us from “arguing” or from being frustrated later because we disagree or have to try to work out something thousands of miles away.

It is a good time, before you’re “in the heat of the fire”, so to speak, to share what you both feel is reasonable ~ for example, your husband might feel that you could easily mow the yard in your free time each week, and while you might possibly be very able to do that, becoming an instant “single spouse/parent” with all the trials that come up on a regular basis, while mowing the yard once a week or so might not seem like that big of a deal, it might be simply mental relief just to have that one thing taken care of by hiring someone to do it. Talking about it beforehand means being able to come to an agreement ~ i.e. your hubby might not want to spend the money for a professional yard service, so you could agree ahead of time to do it when you feel up to it, but once in a while, you can hire the neighbor’s son down the street to take care of it for you…

There will always be those unexpected things that pop up, but that’s life. If there’s any way possible to wait and talk with your spouse before making any unexpected decisions, then do so. If not, pray about it and follow God ~ do what you truly believe will honor your spouse as head of the household, and be honest with him about it, share with him about it as soon as you have the chance.

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Christine Bacon is a friend of one of our Wives of Faith and she is working on a study that focuses on “Humor and its Effects on Military Marriages.” She’s asking military couples to take a quick 10-minute or less survey about how they use humor in their marriage. She’s interested in all types of military marriages – all branches of service, newlyweds to seasoned marrieds – and whether or not you think there’s a lot of humor or laughter in your marriage right now, she’s interested in what you think.

To participate in the survey, email Christine at chribac@regent.edu and let her know you want to take the survey. She will send you a link to the survey as well as a couples code which you and your husband will need to use when you each take the survey separately.

With all of the studies that have been done to show how hard military families have it, wouldn’t it be nice to see a study that might encourage us to laugh just a little more? Help Christine out and let her know you heard about it from Wives of Faith!

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Yes, this happens to me. And not just because I can be ditzy!

When you’re a military spouse, no one really cares most of the time that you have a social security number. No. What 99% of the people want is “the last four of the sponsor’s social.”  That’s HIS number, not mine.

Today, while filling out a financial form for myself, I wrote his number where it said “SSN.”

Praise God for whiteout tape!

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When Sara told me this month’s theme, I got chills! It just happens to be my favorite topic! I love~love! I love falling in love, being in love, movies about love, books about love and cute little hearts added to anything is just fabulous! I love all the frills and thrills that encompass this word!

But my dear sisters above all else, I get most excited about God’s love! Sometimes when I try to wrap my brain around just how much God must love us, it overwhelms me. Tears quickly rush to fill my eyes, chills surge all over, and my heart is full. To think that God loved me so much that He would sacrifice His own pure and holy son for me, takes my breath away. It makes Ephesians 5 almost incomprehensible.

In Ephesians 5, it states that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Let’s ponder this for a moment… Christ came to this world for the sole purpose of redemption through laying down His life for us…the unlovable. Can you imagine? The unseemly people that populate this planet at any given time are exactly who Christ loves so much. So is this verse implying that no matter how we look, act or love that he loves us and our husbands are to do the same? I believe so. It means that their love is to be unconditional of our person. I don’t know about you, but I like that idea! When I am being difficult, he has to love me. When I am 5 pounds heavier, he has to love me. When my hair is messed up and I don’t have my make-up on, he has to love me!

But wait! What does that mean for us? It also says wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. As to the Lord… wow… not sure I ever read that part before today. So what it is saying is that my submissiveness is not based on my husband’s actions, appearance or my feelings that particular day. This is real important to us military wives. When they are away from us, we are to submit. When they are not being kind to us due to all the stress of deployment, we are to submit. When we are angry that they are packing their bags again, we are to submit.

I have always hated the word submit, so let’s just play with it for a minute. What happens when God tells you to do something you really don’t want to do? You submit. What happens when you are in circumstances that you don’t particularly like and you feel like God is why you are there? You submit (perhaps after many conversations). What happens when you don’t “feel” like He is there? You search for Him. What happens when you feel like there is a break in the relationship? You work feverishly to restore it. You begin removing the sin in your life through repentance and communication. We may get angry at God for our circumstances, but we would never be disrespectful to Him. We would always have in mind that He is God and He knows what is best for us. We don’t want to have a broken relationship with Him. So could we conclude that submission is respect? Respect for the direction, relationship (no matter how rocky) and love that you share.

This verse makes our love and actions independent of our mates love or actions. This is a hard concept for us to swallow, but it is there in Ephesians 5. I don’t believe I have put this much thought into these verses before today. I read it. I understood it on a surface level. I liked it. But now when I read with a fresh pair of eyes, I see so much more than ever before!

I see that my submissiveness is not based on his love for me. It is just what it says: submit myself to him as I would to Christ without reservation, without stipulation, without limit! What an awesome love is to be between to people! Imagine if we all took these verses and applied in the true context of the Bible what might come of our marriages! Imagine the families that would be affected by the waves of God’s love that would be coursing through our communities.

How would it change you if your husband loved you like this? How would it change him if you respected him the way that God has asked us to? Perhaps this is why God gives us this picture of love and respect that is not based on the behavior of the other party in the relationship.

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Another day, another in the seemingly endless days of deployment. The days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months. My youngest son simply prays that Daddy will be home safely and by his birthday.  And I am at home wondering how to show my love to my husband. It is hard, after months of separation, to show my love in a satisfying way. Deployment is hard that way.

God’s Word tells me in Proverbs 31:11 “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” I want to be that kind of wife. I want my husband’s heart to be held safely by me while he is many time zones away, in a completely different type of environment. I don’t want him to ever doubt my love for him, even if he can’t see it closely each day.

Believing this, and finding a purposeful way to express it are two different things. During this deployment God has taught me a great deal about keeping right priorities, and my first priority after God is my husband. So, how do I demonstrate that?

1. Prayer- I pray for my husband every day, for his safety, and for our marriage. Praying keeps my mind focused on him in a special way. I occasionally tell him that I have been praying and ask if there is anything special he would like me to pray about. Sometimes there is something different, sometimes not.

2. Connection- I have a general idea of his routine (though it changes), so I make it a point to have the computer turned on and skype available. It may be the middle of my day my time, and may be rush hour, but it’s the end of a long day for him. It’s time for him to unwind. I’d rather chat with him and stay connected than have him mindlessly surfing the web because there is nothing for him to do. I want to be that something.

3. Confidence- The deployment grapevine is strong, and even if that wasn’t the case, I always try to avoid any instance where anything can be misconstrued as improper. I do not spend any time at all with male friends.  Frankly, the only men I am friends with are the husbands of my girlfriends. In all things I never want my husband to think there could ever be anything improper going on. Being apart can make us all feel vulnerable, so it is especially important to keep things strong. This also applies to online friendships. The only men that are friends on my facebook page are also on my husband’s page and they are friends to us both.

4. Resourceful- I am convinced that little deployment gremlins come out when husbands leave and set about to destroy major appliances and vehicles. I have had more flat tires and broken appliances than seems possible. In light of that though, it seems even more important to handle our finances responsibly. I am careful and resourceful with our funds, and try to save whenever I can. Despite everything seeming to break, my husband and I discuss money and try to stay focused on the same goals.

Making the efforts needed to show your love, and to strengthen your husband by letting him know he can trust you, is not always easy. It is much easier to let each day slide into the next, and the next, just trying to make it through. And sometimes the idea of putting just one more thing on that overflowing plate seems impossible, but I urge you to keep the right priorities.   Nothing is wasted when you do things God’s way. And loving your husband through deployment is one of those things.

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“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1 Cor 13:7-8

I grew up in a non-military family of five.  I am the middle of three girls, and have always been described by my mother as her “sensitive child.”  I relate well with people, love my family, am compassionate for all types, and am commonly described in references and recommendations as thoughtful and genuine.  I cry at greetings and goodbyes, songs, television commercials, and moments of extreme happiness and sadness.  I am sensitive.

In perfect love for their sensitive child, my parents have always been concerned with my Marine Corps relationship -turned marriage. Matt was my college sweetheart, and seven short years later he’s (still) my best friend, my husband, and the father of our unborn child.  My mother is afraid for me, and often reminds me with something like “I don’t know how you do it.  I couldn’t do it –I wouldn’t want to.  And it worries me.”  I always respond, “I’m really not worried about it, everything will be okay.”

While even my parents may not understand how, and why I chose this lifestyle, I attribute their perfect love for me to my love without fear for my own family.  John 4:18 states “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.  He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”

While many women might find desperation in much less than three seven-month deployments in three years, living in solitude in a military town, carrying a baby with a husband who is half way around the world and fighting in war, etc. (the list goes on); I find hope that my love for my husband, and my unborn child is pure and strong.  Love is a gift from God –his greatest gift- and in God all things are good.

While non-traditional, our military marriage is blessed and very happy!  My husband and I have both had great models of family, and day-by-day build the foundation for our own.  With great happiness, I’m going to continue to be my sensitive self – hoping and praying with optimism that our marriage will be blessed with time together, that daddy will be home for the birth of our child, and that everything will be okay, because love never fails.

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about what God’s word means to me as a military wife. One of the best things about the Bible is that it applies to all. There are no caveats, no small print, and no asterisks of exception. So, while I would like to pick and choose the passages that assuage my selfish self, God is constantly reminding me that He is talking to me too in every word He speaks.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is perhaps one of the most recognizable passages to both Christians and non-Christians alike. It is quoted at just about every wedding and can be heard at every sermon on the topic of love. It is a passage that I sometimes like to add a “but” too. For me, it is far too easy to blame this whole military life as the reason I can’t show true love to my husband at any given a moment. “But God, my situation is too hard to show love!” “But God, you didn’t mean it for people going through what I am going through!” Yet I know good and well that the Lord’s word is just as applicable to me, a military wife, as it was to the Christians in Corinth. I wonder what these verses would have sounded like if Paul wrote them to us military wives? Perhaps, it would go a little something like this:

Love is patient during long deployments, demanding training and an erratic schedule.

Love is kind after months of being a single parent with no help with the house, the kids, the finances, the pets, the cars, homework, grocery shopping, sickness, or dirty diapers.

It does not envy the fact that every so often you get to deploy to a place that sounds more like a vacation than work.

It does not boast that I get to eat Mexican food for dinner while you finish yet another MRE.

It is not proud…well, actually it is proud of what you are doing for your country and your family, but never in a self-righteous way.

It is not rude because you aren’t really a phone talker and don’t have much to say during our few phone calls while you are away.

It is not self-seeking as evidenced by the sacrifice I make, along with you, each and every day.

It is not easily angered when you come home late, miss another soccer game, or don’t get back on the date I was told. 

It keeps no records of wrongs because we know that our time together is so limited and precious that we can’t waste it on such pettiness.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth that through every deployment, every challenge, and every trial God is strengthening our marriage in a way our civilian counterparts can never understand.

It always protects our marriage from steering clear of temptations during separation,

Always trusts that God will bring us back together again,

Always hopes that it will be during our time on earth, but we know it may not be until we reach heaven,

Always perseveres through this military life because we have the strength of our Heavenly Father and an intense love for one another.

Love never fails because it is in it for the long haul, no matter what the cost, no matter where this military journey takes us.

Have you let this military existence become your excuse? God’s word is speaking as directly to our lives as He was to the Israelites, the Corinthians, the Thessalonians and every other group in the Bible. It is easy to allow our circumstances to excuse our behaviors that show a lack of love. But, we must never forget that the words written in the Bible were meant for us all without a mention of a caveat, minus all small print, and devoid of a tiny asterisk of exception for military wives.

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Tonight as my husband came home from work and I was giving him the run down of daily activities and who has to go where, we had a communication break down. I am now aware of more areas of concern with my husbands constant coming and going schedule. First let me fill you in on the conversation so you can see what I mean.

Me: ” I signed up to work the show and sell booth for popcorn on Saturday. No one would step up and take the spot so I told the scout master that I would take the whole day and work it with the boys.”

Husband: Storms out of the room to hang up a baseball uniform(we were working on folding laundry together)

Me: “Did you have something planned that I don’t know about?”

Husband: “Not any more.”

That was the long and short of it. He came and sat down by the breakfast bar as I was cooking dinner. I told him about why I thought it was a good idea to sacrifice a Saturday for popcorn sales. Anyone who is a scout parent understands the importance of show and sell. They also understand that it means you don’t have to purchase a Suburban full so your scout can help the pack. My husband wasn’t upset that we are doing the show and sell. He didn’t have anything planned.  He was upset that I went ahead and agreed to do it without consulting him first. That opened up a whole new can of worms. I then stated that even if I would have told him about it he would have said something like “Whatever you think is best.” When I said that to my husband he then came back with “You are probably right but it would have been nice to have had the option and to have a say in what we do.” OUCH!

I do make plans that include him. But I make them without talking to him first. Usually things are fine and this one will be too. But this experience and exchange of conversation was a reminder to me. It was a reminder that for some reason I can’t get out of survival mode when he is here. We usually never know how long he’s going to be here. This time we do. We know the number of days before the next dreaded deployment. We know that this trip will be longer than the rest. We know that no matter how much we hate it, it’s coming.

I’m not sure how I can move from this spot. I am not sure how to connect with my husband. It’s a weird place that I haven’t been before. Just as I get used to him being here he is gone again. This time I am much more guarded. It feels like we are working on this to do list of things before he leaves. It doesn’t feel like he is really here. Or maybe I am the one that is absent. I have admitted on more than one occasion that I am having a hard time adjusting to him being home this time.

We hear so much about the service members having adjustment issues. I know that spouses have them as well. I am living proof of it. Here is my husband doing what he can to connect with me and I am keeping him at arms length. I am so scared to connect with him. In fear that when I do and  he leaves again it will hurt that much more.  My heart already hurts. It hurts just thinking about him leaving. (if he were to walk in my office right now he would think I would crazy. I am typing and tears are rolling down my cheeks.) I have been seeking God more and more. It feels like the more I seek Him the more he gives back to me. I’m sure that is just my perception but it still feels that way. So for now I will hold onto my verse from James that is more like my life motto at this point.

“Consider a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in anyway.” James 1:2-4

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My husband left Sunday for a lengthy Navy school training he’s doing and I’ve been having fun finding all of the little notes he left me. There was one by my pillow, one on the mirror in the bathroom and one hiding in my closed-up laptop that I found when I opened it on Monday morning. I tend to write and hide little notes in his sea bag before he leaves to go somewhere though this time I confess I just wrote one special letter and put it in his shaving kit.

I know many military couples, especially those who find themselves separated often, have special traditions they do to send their service member off or say goodbye. At one of our very first Wives of Faith meetings here in Nashville, we had one Air Guard wife who had the rest of us laughing hysterically as she shared that she always puts a pair of sexy panties in her husband’s bag before he leaves (“size small – it is supposed to be fantasy after all!”).

What are some of the things you and your husband do before he leaves for a training,  TDY or a deployment? Do you do the same things or different things each time?

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I had meant to include these in the September newsletter earlier this month but we had so many things to include, I accidentally left them out!

Navy Reserve wife Beckie shared these with me in an email and I thought it would be great to pass on to you, especially if you and your deployed husband find it hard sometimes to have deep, meaningful conversations.

60-Second Questions:

1.       The beach or the mountains?

2.       Night owl or early bird?

3.       Favorite movie?

4.       Favorite TV show as a kid?

5.       Favorite book?

6.       Favorite sport?

7.       Kissing or snuggling?

8.       Least favorite food?

9.       Pet peeve?

10.   Hobby?

11.   Dream job?

12.   Mom always told me…

13.   Dad always told me…

14.   Cooking or cleaning?

15.   City slicker or country boy?

16.   Saver or spender?

17.   Best word to describe your wife?

18.   Best word to describe yourself?

19.   Hardest part of being a dad?

20.   Dream vacation?

21.   Sports car or pick-up truck?

22.   Least favorite phrase from the kids?

23.   Greatest food temptation?

24.   Most romantic date?

25.   Worry the most about?

26.   What makes you laugh?

27.   Makes you cry?

28.   How do you unwind?

29.   Best surprise?

30.   Introvert or extrovert?

31.   Dogs or cats?

32.   Perfect family day?

33.   Source of inspiration?

Marriage Conversation Starters

(Added to iMom: August 14, 2007)

What was your favorite childhood toy?

What is your favorite memory of our courtship?

If you could be any animal what would you be?

If you could take a trip to any place in the world, where would you go?

If you had to live in another country which one would you choose?

What would you rather do, give a speech in front of 200 people or bungee jump?

If you could only eat one food, and nothing else, for three days in a row, what would it be?

If you could only read one book, other than the Bible, for the rest of your life what would it be?

What three words best describe you? What three words best describe your spouse?

If you could be a professional athlete what sport would you choose?

What is your best memory of your mother? Your father?

What was your favorite grade in school?

What are your three favorite movies of all time?

What’s the one thing you’d like to be remembered for?

What is your dream job?

If you had more time, what hobby would you like to pursue?

If you had to live in a different state, which would you choose?

Which would be harder for you to give up, chocolate or coffee?

How old should a child be before they can date?

If you had to paint the interior of your house all one color, what would it be – excluding white and cream?

What job has been your favorite?

What living person, other than family members, do you admire most?

If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?

What do people often misunderstand about you?

How important is kissing to you in our relationship?

What musician, living or deceased, would you like to meet?

Would you rather live in the country or the city?

What’s your idea of a perfect night out – or in?

What’s your favorite memory of our wedding?

If you could be a superhero, which would you be and why?

What’s your ideal vacation length?

Would you rather be able to do a standing back flip or dunk a basketball?

Describe how you’d like your life to be five years from now. Ten years from now.

If you could only spend $10 on a date night, what would you do?

What pet name or nickname that your spouse calls you is your favorite?  If they don’t have a pet name for you what would you like them to call you?

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