In the Spring of 2002, I sat in my living room afraid. I had moments of fear before this, but it was on this day I learned that I was living in continual fear. My marriage at the time was in turmoil, to say the least. We had transitioned from active duty life to that of the reserves in order for him to attend school.

Our marriage had never been absolutely wonderful, but by this time, almost six years into it, the marriage had not gotten better. I remember the beginning of this fear. Starting only months into our marriage, he would get angry over seemingly small things and I started to worry about my actions or words triggering his anger. Thankfully, he never expressed that anger physically. When he left on his first deployment, I did not worry so much about the anger, but about other women in his life.

This fear continued when we transitioned to reserve life for a few years. He would head for reserve duty and I would feel the fear inside me as he would pull out of the driveway. I did not know who he would see or what he would be doing during these times. I had heard stories from him and others. By Sunday when he was supposed to come home, I would feel that fear again at having to face him not knowing what had happened in between.

The fear began to come every day when I would see his name on the caller ID at work or head home to meet him in the evenings. I also began to fear he might not be home or ever come home again. Fear became a normal part of life.

I knew Jesus. He and I had a relationship that was grounded over years of time together. As I struggled, I would talk to Him frequently asking to be rescued or for Him to heal a marriage I am not sure was ever functional.

The summer of that year brought me to my knees like no other time in my life. I came home one day to find that my husband had left and did not plan to ever come back. The nightmare I had envisioned was here. This moment changed me forever, though. My first husband left and sure enough never came home, but you know what? God still loved me and had amazing plans for my life.

I had lived in fear for nothing. God can handle anything. In that moment, I came to understand the peace that God can give. Whether my husband came home or not was a choice he would have to make, but my responsibility was to continue to follow Jesus.

I wish I would have gotten this fact before that moment. I had no reason to fear. I had Jesus the whole time. If I would have let Him, He would have simply wrapped His peace around me and reminded me that life is not about the circumstances that surround me. Life is about Jesus.

Granted, my heart was broken. I felt like a failure in the marriage category and I had no idea what God wanted me to do from that point forward, but God healed those wounds. He still had a plan for me.

I write this not simply to tell a story, but to speak to your heart. Are you living in that world of fear as well? Are you wondering if your husband will choose not to come home or ask for a divorce? Are you overwhelmed with fear that he may not come back from war or that he might not be the same man that left? Do you experience fear as you move from one location to another as you attempt to find a new place to fit or a new home in which to live?

Joshua knew all about such concerns. Moses had died; subsequently, Joshua was just put in charge of the entire Israelite nation and God had given Him the job of leading the people into the promised land. Talk about fear creeping in. God told Joshua, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

How was He supposed to carry such responsibility, be asked to do so much, and have no fear? He had given Joshua the answer just a few verses before: “Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.” God had already given Joshua instructions, just as He does us. He gives us His Word to study and follow. That is all he expects of us.

Fear is still fear – and God is still God. I beg you to read again the words of Jesus: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).

I still struggle sometimes when fear wants to creep into my heart, but peace can be ours regardless of the circumstances around us because of the Savior. Trust His words to be true today and allow Him to restore your hope as well as your peace. That is my plan – No fear!

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I watched the episode last night of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (along with the millions of other train wreck observers) and was extremely sad to see their announcement that they’ve separated. Even though word had leaked out that they’d filed for divorce earlier in the day, still, a big part of me wanted to see the news proved wrong. Unfortunately it wasn’t.

Right before I went to sleep last night I posted on my Facebook page: “Jon and Kate keep saying they were putting their kids first. Maybe that was the problem! Your spouse has to be a priority. Make your marriage a priority!”

I didn’t know that when I woke up this morning I’d have 15 comments! Obviously, this couple has touched a sensitive spot with many, and hopefully have made many look in the mirror at their own marriages and examine their own challenges more closely.

The struggles and challenges Jon and Kate have faced aren’t any different than the trials that millions of other couples have had to deal with – the only difference is, like their larger-than-the-norm family, so has the size of public scrutiny been for them.

I suspect that on a much smaller level, there are military couples who know exactly what this couple is going through – word travels fast on a base or post when a marriage is in trouble and we saw a sad example of it just this week on Army Wives. Denise faced the scrutiny and the judgement of her friends and the people around her after making a series of bad choices and her husband was ordered to go home to “deal with his domestic issues.”

Of course, we can’t know what any couple is dealing with unless we have been where they are. Many are quick to either condemn or say “don’t judge” but I think both of these are extremes. Condemning certainly doesn’t show love but “not judging’ often is code for “it’s none of our business” and I’ve seen way too many marriages in the church “not judged” and not helped either. There was a couple in our old Sunday School class many years ago who suddenly stopped coming. No one really paid attention (or followed up with them) and many months later someone said this couple had separated and gotten divorced. Too many couples fall through the cracks like that. Sometimes it takes more than prayer; it takes a friend letting that couple know you care about them and their marriage.

Marriage is fragile

Jon and Kate’s situation has only reminded me all the more how fragile marriage is, and I hurt especially for the military marriages I hear about that are falling apart. Since starting Wives of Faith, there have been several wives who’ve come to me with struggling marriages. Not all of them have been saved. Ladies, we have to fight for our relationships! And we can’t give up!

Marriage is hard, especially when children enter the picture. My son means the world to me but so does my husband and I made a commitment to him before I was ever a mom. Make your marriage a priority. Whether it’s your first, second or third! If you’ve failed before, it doesn’t mean you have to fail again. You may have to work really hard to put your marriage first, especially if your husband is gone a lot. But it’s crucial to take time out for each other and focus on your marriage. Because when you’re on the same page with your marriage, the challenges that come with being a parent can seem a little less large.

As a wife, be careful not to take everything over and use the excuse because your husband isn’t there. You can still involve him in choices and decisions (I still remember trying to show my husband color samples of siding over web cam LOL), and letting your kids know that their dad’s input is still important.

I can’t imagine being in Jon and Kate’s shoes, having to deal with a struggling marriage with a million voices weighing in on their decisions. As several have said, though, prayer still works and God still heals marriages. I know He can heal theirs, just as I’ve seen Him heal others.

If your marriage is just fine right now, than that’s wonderful! But take the time to protect it. Don’t take your husband for granted and make it a point to value him the way you want him to value you. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Realize that marriage is not always smooth sailing; you will have ups and downs, and some are bigger hills than you may have ever expected! But it’s only after you get over those hills and you look back at what you’ve been through and seen how God has carried both of you that you realize God knew what He was doing when He put the two of you together.

I know many of you reading this may be struggling with problems too big for you to handle by yourself – PTSD, out of control financial problems, infidelity. Let me encourage you to seek help; talk to a pastor you trust or contact Military OneSource. As a military spouse, you are eligible to receive free counseling and Military OneSource can connect you to a counselor in your town and you can receive up to 12 sessions free per topic. Also, if you need prayer for your marriage, let us know (info @ wivesoffaith.org). We have several ladies who are prayer warriors and will be glad to pray for your need. I’ve seen marriages healed when ladies joined together to pray. God still works miracles!

Marriage can hurt, but God can heal.

Proverbs 31:10 – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”

Running alone is something I have done a lot over the years, but having a buddy to run with makes the time much more enjoyable. A buddy challenges me to go faster and even get up some mornings. The accountability they bring makes me better and pushes me farther, which means I end up in better shape (and I can eat more chocolate).

My husband has run some races with me in the years since we have been married. From the 10K that turned into a 12K because the guy giving directions sent everyone the wrong way to the Turkey Trot in my hometown, we have enjoyed our time together and helped each other along the way. Running with him certainly pushes me. He is much faster than I am and most of the time he could probably go much further. Being the loving man he is, though, he stays with me and we finish together.

The spiritual race I run is very similar to the physical one. I enjoy the run once I get moving, but sometimes I need a little extra motivation to get out of bed or a partner that runs a little faster to push me harder. I have a spiritual running buddy in my husband, though, and I need to keep up. Our spiritual walk together is quite the reflection of our actual physical run. Many times we do not get to train together because someone has to stay home and watch children, and our paces are different. We do challenge each other to get out of bed and sometimes we pull or push the other along making us stronger.

One thing we have found in this race we run together is the fact that without the same objective (finish line) we have a hard time choosing a path or even going in the same direction. Our “big picture” objective is to live our lives for Jesus, but we need to be more specific than that. We have had to pray about what God would want for our family and the mission He would have us to undertake. Kyle and I are not always on the same continent physically, but God has led us to a mission on which we can both focus. The objective keeps us going the same direction even when our training is not necessarily together.

As we start this new year, I pray that you and your husband would begin to pray about a mission for you. What is God calling you to as a family this year? What are the priorities He has placed on your hearts? Are you running together or just running?

Also, some of us may be running this race alone as our husbands have not accepted Christ as of yet. In this new year, we can commit to pray for them. Pray that God will speak to their hearts and that they will be receptive of that calling on their lives. We will pray for you as the spouse to be the picture of Jesus God has called you to be in your home.

Whether running with our husbands or running alone, we must commit to the race. God has a calling on our lives and the new year gives us an opportunity to recommit to the race – to get out of bed and hit the pavement. Let’s join with our husbands and run the race God has set before us. This year will be better than ever! I can’t wait to see what God does with us.

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Kori Yates, author of Olive Drab Pom-Poms, loves the challenge and adventure of military life. Married to a soldier, she seeks to encourage other military wives to embrace the awesome opportunity this life provides and to find God’s calling on their own lives. Kori lives with her husband, Kyle, and two children wherever the Army plants them, but their home, Lord willing, will someday be back in Texas. Visit olivedrabpompoms.com for more information.

Ten months later after multiple moves and military milestones, we faced each other on a Civil War battlefield overlooking the Cumberland River saying “I do.” The months that led up to that day were a little crazy at times and living in two different states taught us to communicate pretty well via internet and telephone, but I distinctly remember the day I fell in love with that man. I looked up at him and something in my heart said, “Oh my goodness.”

I remember the dates, the look of him waiting for me in the airport, the crazy gift of deer jerky for Christmas, and the first time I visited his Kentucky roots. I was in love, and was simply amazed that God had brought this man into my life.

Over the years, I have had moments, as all marriages do, when I get irritated with that wonderful man. We disagree periodically, and by golly, sometimes I just want him to do things my way. We also have rough spots in our marriage when we have to push on and hold together only by the grace and power of God. His hand is what has sustained us.

But it is in those moments of challenge or frustration that God calls me to remember. He did the same with the Israelites thousands of years ago. Out in the wilderness, they were hungry and lost. God sustained and guided them through some rough times, and then He called them to make an ark, the Ark of the Covenant to be exact.

This was not just a pretty box, but a place where God would meet with them. He had them put a couple of things in the box – the law, a jar of manna, and Aaron’s staff. They all have multiple meanings and purposes, but their primary purpose was to remember. These things symbolized the work that God had done in their past and became part of the promise for their future. He wanted them, in those times in the wilderness or even the Promised Land when life became difficult, to remember what God had already done. Those seemingly meaningless articles were their tangible reminder of His love and care – and a promise that He was still the same God.

Lately, I have come to realize that those memories of dating and marrying my husband are my very own ark. God has added to my ark over the years, but it is those memories, those special moments, that God helps me to remember His provision, care, and faithfulness. He wants us to remember and then to trust Him.

So, with that in mind, I would love to hear your story. I would love for you to share the wonderful memories you have with your husband – if not with me, maybe with him. How did you meet? What did you love about him? Where did you get married? How did he propose? Are there any tangible things you have kept as reminders? We need to take the time to remember, and then learn to trust the God who is still the same today. May your marriage be blessed.

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Kori Yates, Marriage Care Director for Wives of Faith and author of Olive Drab Pom-Poms, loves the challenge and adventure of military life. Married to a soldier, she seeks to encourage other military wives to embrace the awesome opportunity this life provides and to find God’s calling on their own lives. Kori lives with her husband, Kyle, and two children wherever the Army plants them, but their home, Lord willing, will someday be back in Texas. Visit olivedrabpompoms.com for more information.

But we believe God has a plan for military marriages and He wants us to fortify and strengthen our relationships in Him. As a ministry, we have made Military Marriages a priority in our vision and we want to do all we can to help point couples to Jesus.

We are excited to officially announce that military wife and author Kori Yates (Olive Drab Pom-Poms) has joined our leadership team as MarriageCare Director.

Kori has a passion for helping military wives in their marriages. She’s walked down the painful unwanted road of the ending of a first marriage (to a Marine) and can relate and offer help and encouragement to those struggling in similar situations. She is also a living testimony to God’s grace in new beginnings, now married to a soldier who shares her passion for helping other military couples keep their marriages strong with God’s help.

Kori will be blogging about marriage for Wives of Faith as well as helping our ministry design and plan programs, Bible studies and other ways to help all of us grow in our marriages as we grow in our faith and seek God’s will in all of it.

We’re looking forward to Kori’s contributions! Please give her a big welcome! Learn a little more about her on our Leadership Page. You can also contact her at kori@wivesoffaith.org.