Today we are spotlighting a Wife of Faith, Heather Winters, who is sharing her story with us today.
“Do you want to go to church tomorrow,” “We have been invited to church with….” “They are having a social at church” “Don’t you think we need to go to church” . . . Read More→
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Recently, I read Deanna McClary’s story titled Commitment to Love written in 1989. It’s about her marriage and how she and her husband overcame so much in their early years of a military marriage. Back during the Vietnam War, her husband was a LT USMC fighting a serious battle when the enemy ambushed and attacked his team. Struck by a grenade, he lost an eye, an arm and suffered severe wounds all over his body. Ironically, he and his bride were married shortly before he deployed for a combat zone. Their marriage prevailed over high statistics against them. 60-80% of men wounded in combat with such severe and physically debilitating wounds watch their wives or girlfriends leave them OR they drive her away because of this traumatic change.
Disability comes in many forms, and becoming a disabled veteran is a challenge that many hope will not become a reality.
When you marry your spouse, you love him. That commitment before God is huge. When war comes home in the form of a physically changed husband, it takes time to adjust and a lot of love. God is at work here in ways you least expect. Parents, family and friends are challenged, but even more so does the spouse have to adjust to a new chapter in marriage. Because of the disability, you may have to work to support the family rather than your husband. You may not be able to conceive and have a baby with this person. You will be tempted to have an affair. You will be a caregiver in ways you had not anticipated when you said I do. There will be financial strain as unforeseen medical bills or other needs must be met. You will cry in a closet or away from him because the pain of watching him suffer is unbearable.
While there are various nonprofit groups and organizations for veterans such as the Disabled Veterans Association (DAV), the Association for Service Disabled Veterans (ASDV), DOD Veterans and Iraq Veterans Memorial (New!), it’s clear that there is more to uncover regarding God, Marriage and Disabled Veteran. That is why Deanna’s book struck me as a magnificent outreach to so many. Portrait of an American Hero is a documentary film about Clebe McClary. His book is Living Proof. A dear church couple received autographed copies of these books at a marriage conference and shared these wonderful reads with my husband and I. This is an amazing military marriage that has prevailed.
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” John 10:10b ESV
If you are dealing with a spouse wounded in combat or in other ways, it is important to revisit why you married your husband and review your marriage vows taken before God. Until death do us part is a road all of us married people take without realizing the rocky terrain, u-turns, or roads blown up causing us to change course entirely. We assume cruisin’ down the highway and stop’n’go as we please when the reality is different.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
In Sara Horn’s Tour of Duty study, we are reminded in the Introduction about how the possibility arises when your husband may return home in either a casket or wounded physically and/or emotionally. Military personnel returning from a combat zone deal with post-traumatic issues even if they were not physically wounded. If you are a military spouse preparing for your husband’s deployment, below is a prayer that may give comfort. If you haven’t already joined a Wives of Faith chapter, I recommend that you seek one for support, encouragement and connection with other military spouses.
A Military Spouse’s Prayer
(Author Unknown)
Lord,
Give me the strength of heart to see
The difference in duty and his love for me
Give me the understanding to know
That when duty calls, he must go
Give me the patience to know in my heart
That he is serving his country and doing his part
Give me the strength to carry on
When he’s working late or must be gone
Give me a task to do each day
To fill the time while he is away
Give me others who can share
The ups and downs and who’ll really care
Give me the wisdom to get me through
When I’m not quite sure of what to do
And Lord, while our family is here
Keep us healthy, safe and full of cheer.
Amen.
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Our local connoisseur of fabulous cheap finds, Mary Hance (also known as Ms. Cheap to all you Tennessean readers) has published a book, Love For a Lifetime: Daily Wisdom and Wit for a Happy Marriage. One of her reader favorites is how to start your marriage: After you say I Do, you move 2,000 miles away from your family and start your life together. That way you don’t have the excuse to run from your marriage when life comes at you. Both of you learn quick and early on to depend on one another, and that is the best way to start your marriage. This is a befitting description for us military wives who dive into marriage in a similar fashion. Call it “love makes you blind,” but I like to think of it as the lifelong adventure I was born to experience.
We military wives say I Do in many ways either on a whim in the county courthouse, in a local church, on the beach, or even over the Internet (yes, there was a military wedding where he was in a combat zone and she was in her hometown). Each marriage is unique as it starts off. My husband and I wanted the church and reception type of I Do so that it included our family and friends. Recently, upon watching our wedding video with our children, my husband and I reminisced about the early days of our marriage, and how eight years later, our marriage has flourished, has endured the seven year itch and has been tested with deployments, children and other matters that you least expect when you say I Do.
The tests of marriage will always occur. It’s true that you cannot run home to your parent’s house or a friend’s house to seek support especially living 2,000 miles away from your hometown. God can only provide the strength you seek in these moments of weakness. Philippians 4:13 says it best with “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Unfortunately, some tests of our marriage come in hurtful ways and at our weakest moments.
There are many other ways that the enemy attacks your marriage besides these bulleted points, but our weakest moments can be the turning point needed to build character the way God intended in our marriages.
Ephesians 6: 10-18 encourages us to protect ourselves against spiritual attack. When it comes to our marriage, the oneness is challenged by the long distance separation of deployments, the pressures of parenting, the care for aging parents, a demanding job, and/or the mismanagement of time invested in your marriage. No wonder military marriages are challenged. When we are our weakest is exactly when we must summon our strength, yet when we let our guard down is when the enemy makes the most of this opportunity. Unguarded strength is a double weakness.
How do you combat these spiritual attacks?
The enemy works through people and things and presents timewasters to distract us. Often, the enemy starts with our minds, and a low self-esteem is indicative of poor time management (especially true if you are seeking a job/calling as referenced in Dan Miller’s 48 Days to the Work You Love). We spend a lot of time thinking and trying to change our spouse when we should change ourselves first. We forget about our role as wife, and we find frustration in our husbands who lack initiative in stepping up to their role as head of household. In Ephesians 5: 15-16, we are warned to live purposely.
Are you making the most of your time?
Where you invest your time is telling of your priorities in life. It’s comforting to know that you do have a plan. Marriage is a lifelong plan of commitment to this one special person God sent into your life. Over Valentine’s Day weekend in our Sunday School class, we went around the room and told the story of how we met. Granted, it was a good load of laughs, and you could see each couple’s spark about how they met either while in school, through mutual friends, at a social event or even online (rare but becoming more common with military marriages). One grandmother even played matchmaker to one couple who now have five children. The marriages ranged from 1 year to 16 years. Each marriage started off the same way – saying I Do.
While I Do represents the beginning, the journey has a telling story depending on your daily decisions, purposeful living and management of self. If you make the most of opportunities through wise time management and the sword of the Spirit, there won’t be double weakness but an amazingly unbreakable bond of strength that will enhance your marriage until death do you part.
What are some words of wit and advice regarding the secret to a military marriage? Please post your comments below (especially any romantic Valentine ideas)!
Stephanie Arredondo is the Wives of Faith board treasurer.
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Submit to my husband, are you nuts? This sentiment is typical in our modern day society as it mocks submission. If you google the word submission on the Internet, there are some pretty graphic and taboo images to negatively impact your impression of what it means to submit. Yet, as hard as it is to submit to our husbands, we must. The Bible is very clear on this: just read Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and Proverbs 31:10-31.
Am I showing signs of weakness when I submit? No Ma’am.
Where do I fit in the modern day era as a military wife of faith? God loves you and encourages you to love your spouse. By submitting to one another, we enhance the life of our spouse – and ultimately our own.
When the head of the household returns home from a long deployment, it’s tricky to submit. Both of you have had life experiences that foster growth apart. When you reunite and realize that submission is not mutual, it challenges the marriage. (It’s also tricky to submit when the head of household displays poor leadership and/or sexual immorality as in Ephesians 5:3….in this case, I advise you to seek out guidance immediately).
For example, he just returned from a year long deployment in a combat zone and realizes you overspent in the babysitter area of your budget, money that you don’t have. Either he accepts this decision because of good communication between you both, or he argues, thus rejecting your decision at that time, not having much empathy and not working out a solution to the problem.
To submit means respect and how you love your spouse; your communication is paramount to your successful relationship. You are enhancing your spouse’s life. You are providing the enrichment necessary to ward off Satan’s desire to destroy the reflection of God that is in us.
To not submit means you and your spouse not only lack good communication but do not love one another as Christ loves you. When we don’t submit to one another, we ultimately are not showing our reverence for Christ. Instead, Satan is at work destroying marriage by influencing you and/or your spouse.
Mutual submission is the only workable path to marriage, and love provides the true motive for submission. My husband and I love each other very much and married when we were in our early 30s. When we married, he commented that my strong personality is one reason why he chose me to be his bride because he knew it would help us get through these deployments and times of separation. He has a strong personality trait, and when it comes to being head of household, he has displayed some good choices and some not-so-good choices. We are challenged in the mutual submission department because of issues that have surfaced after one particular deployment. I am reminded of 1 Peter 3:1 and how I am to submit to my husband. It’s so hard because I have always been taught that I can do anything. I used to be independent. I made my own money. I made my own decisions. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I functioned without him especially during these deployments. Why must I submit? Why can’t he submit? (He’s probably thinking the same thing…Why won’t she submit? Why do I have to submit to her?) This is a challenge for us wives of faith.
Mutual submission allows us to get closer to Christ because marriage belongs to God and to the church. When we practice mutual submission, we get closer to the One who loves us best. God has a plan for you, your husband and your marriage. The church is the body of God and epitomizes your desire for a successful marriage. If you are not in a good church home, I strongly encourage you to seek out a church. Marriages are under attack daily, and just because your husband is home from the battlefield does not mean that you can let your guard down. Submitting to one another out of love is the best way to combat these potential wounds. Praying together and/or for one another is a powerful weapon. In Acts 18:24-26, we learn of a couple who functioned as a team and welcomed a learned man into their home to learn more. The military is aware of challenges that marriages weather through these storms of deployments and offers marriage retreats that are chaplain-led. For example, one mentioned at our unit was www.strongbonds.org. If you and your spouse can attend such a retreat, it will be a blessing you and your marriage (plus your children will benefit from you both strengthening your marriage). Whatever the case may be, it is important to seek the best for your spouse, love him and submit so that you may get closer to the One who loves you best.
To talk more about this topic, I recommend it, especially with your local Wives of Faith chapter, the new community message board or just post a comment below. It is this support, encouragement and connection that will enable us military spouses to see God’s will when it comes to submission and our marriages.
Warmest Blessings,
Stephanie Arredondo
Board Treasurer
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Note from the editor: Sharing some thoughts about marriage, from the 2008 archives. The prayer campaign mentioned here is something we’re going to be starting next week for 2010.
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August 15, 2008
This morning I woke up with the word “Sanctuary” on my mind. Not really sure why, except maybe it was a message to myself that I need it right now! 
There’s a whole lot going on in the Horn household, as I’m sure it is for the rest of you. Sanctuary means a “sacred or holy place” but it also means “a place of refuge.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about military marriages this week and the stress which they often endure. There are at least three or four women I know of connected to Wives of Faith who have just said goodbye or are getting ready to say goodbye to their husbands for deployments (and I’m sure there are many I don’t know about.) There are also families who are in the midst of trainings and AT’s. My husband leaves for his two weeks this weekend.
When I think of “a place of refuge” I think I associate my marriage with that term. I think marriage should be a sanctuary for a couple. It’s a place where two people who have committed their lives to each other should be able to go for comfort, for assurance, for love, for hope. But when it comes to military marriage, those “sanctuaries” aren’t always there, at least not in the physical sense, are they? We deal with a lot of distance in our places of refuge, don’t we?
Stress, hurt feelings, miscommunications and any number of distractions can also clutter up those sanctuaries. This morning for our “This is the Day to Pray” campaign we’re in the middle of right now, the prayer was for military marriages. For many of us, our marriages are our first line of defense against the world–and when that defense is missing, or encountering holes or missing links, things start getting a whole lot more uncertain or scary.
So I think there is another sanctuary that we must look to, beyond our marriages. We can follow someone else’s example of where he turned when he needed refuge. In the book of Psalms, David spends much of his time in a place of refuge, talking with God, crying out to God, asking God what He’s up to, and remembering just who God is.
The interesting thing about David’s prayers and his conversations to God is that as desperate as he may seem when he first starts talking to God, by the end, as he’s begun remembering all that God has done for him already and all that God means, David is actually calmer. He has peace and hope and love, to continue on another day.
If this week has been a hard one, a stressful one, a confusing one and you don’t know where to turn, let me suggest finding a quiet place, even if it’s for two minutes in your bathtub after you’ve gotten the kids down for the night and you’re ready to just pass out in your bed before you have to start it all over again. Tell God how you’re feeling and pour out your hurts to Him. He listens, He cares, and He wants to carry those hurts for you. Spend some time in the Psalms this weekend. Remember, you’re not alone. You have a Sanctuary where you can turn.
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