A military marriage isn’t easy. Fluctuating schedules, fluctuating priorities; changing goals, changing locations; time together, time apart, time trying to establish what was before.

It’s tough to find a balance some days when you’re married and in the military. And it can be easy sometimes to want to look over the proverbial fence to someone else’s life and wish for theirs.

I spent quite a bit of time this year counseling military wives dealing with troubled marriages. Some were struggling with issues of PTSD; others with infidelity. Still others were just having problems with communication. More than one wife blamed the military for it all.

My husband and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year. We have a great marriage but it hasn’t been without its trials. Some years have been wonderful; others have brought a lot of challenge. And any additional pressures or problems brought on by my husband’s military service really didn’t appear until a couple of years ago.

Having a strong marriage has nothing to do with the military. Let me repeat that – having a strong marriage has NOTHING to do with the military. It has to do with you and it has to do with your husband. Marriage requires commitment, trust, love and communication and if you have those four building blocks, you can get through anything, no matter what your husband’s occupation is.

Ephesians 5:33 offers some good advice: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

I would venture to say it is harder for the wife to show respect than for the husband to show love. Because as a woman, we generally have an opinion on pretty much everything! And that includes our husbands, and what they do, how they do it, when they do it, why they do it… And when they don’t do something the way WE think they should, we get frustrated. We get testy. We get bossy and nagging and sometimes just downright mean! We definitely aren’t content.

Now, the husband also has a responsibility as well to show love to his wife. But I’m not writing to the husbands today. I’m writing to the wives. Because ultimately we have no control over what, how, why, when, our husbands do anything! But we do have control over our own actions, our own behavior, and our own attitudes.

I’ve been taking a survey on military marriages for the last three months and have gotten over 250 responses so far. Most of those are from military wives, but I have received a few from husbands. Those especially have been revealing.

Here’s one man’s responses to the survey questions:

What is the hardest thing you and your spouse struggle with in your marriage?

“Lack of respect – my wife criticizes nonstop.”

How well do you and your spouse communicate? What do you wish was different?

“I wish we got along better. Commo is awful – always contentious, critical, contrary, and full of contempt.”

When it comes to your marriage, what is your greatest hope? Why?

“That she will accept me, love me, respect me and be my friend not my enemy.”

I wonder how many wives reading this can put themselves in that husband’s wife’s shoes? I know there have been times when I’ve been too critical of my husband, showing more grumpiness than gratefulness, more moodiness than love.

What would happen if we spent less time wishing our husbands could change, and more time focused on changing our own flaws within? This past year before my husband left for a 3-month TDY, I started doing the Love Dare, unbeknownst to him. Each day I had to show him love in different ways. By the end of that first week, I was amazed – not at my response, but at HIS response to me just by doing those simple little acts of love, actions that displayed selflessness and gratitude for him being in my life.

Now, let me go ahead and say: if your husband is suffering from PTSD symptoms or physically or emotionally abusing you, it is not enough for you to think you can try to change yourself and he will change. You need to find help for both you and him and an easy way to do that is to call Military OneSource (1-800-342-9647) and remove yourself from the situation if you are in physical danger. God can certainly heal marriages that find themselves facing these kinds of circumstances, I’ve seen cases of it this year, but there is a process that needs to happen and you cannot do it by yourself.

As wives, we have enormous influence on our husbands and our families. We are the thermometer of our marriages; the question, though, is whether the temperature we establish is a pleasant and enjoyable one, or an icy or sweltering one that brings only discomfort and frustration. The only way we can truly have that positive influence is by keeping our own relationship with God solid – bringing Him our frustrations and our selfish desires and asking Him to help us share His love with our husbands and our families.

What are ways you can show your husband respect, regardless of how you wish he would reciprocate?

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