When I have some time (or more like when I need a break from what I’m doing at the moment), I will jump on some of the forums that are out there for military spouses. I’ve been visiting a couple of different ones lately. I always like to see what military wives are talking about; what their concerns are, what they’re struggling with, what they’re hoping for. (In fact, we’re actually mulling over having a forum for Wives of Faith with the new website we’re working on, so ladies can interact a little more freely.)

But it never seems to fail, when I visit these forums, how the topic of sex comes up and the distorted views that crop up with it. The most recent example I saw of this was a young military wife, in her very early twenties, asking whether it would be considered cheating to have an affair with another woman while her husband was deployed because she was lonely and needed companionship. Huh? The most disturbing part of this whole message conversation to me was the reaction of the women who commented….

There were a couple of ladies who spoke up and tried to share some Christian principles with the rest but promptly got smacked down by others who seemed to prevail with the argument of what floats one person’s boat shouldn’t matter to the rest of us. I felt sorry for those women because I know they were trying to be a light in a very dark place but it’s a challenge and you have to choose your words very carefully because it is too easy for people to dismiss you as just “one of those intolerant Christians.” I’ve seen this on other forums as well and it frustrates me how morality has suddenly become the four-letter word in the world’s eyes. If someone even suggests the idea of having morals and there are lines we don’t cross and following God’s plan for marriage, it’s considered offensive and intolerant.

I think the time in which we live requires all of us to have a strong understanding of the absolutes of marriage and love in order to battle all of the junk that’s out there today. Just in the last week, I’ve read news articles about single members of the military being allowed more leniancy to have sex with other single members while deployed (this was specifically about troops in Afgahnistan, not Iraq), I’ve seen discussions on how much porn is ok for military to have (this question coming from a wife) and I’ve seen previews for a new television show that is all about married couples having sex with other married couples.

Strong Marriage Basics

So today I’d like for us to talk about the basics of what makes a strong marriage – communication, sex, intimacy, love. I realize this is a sensitive subject and I would love to see as many people participate as possible so please know that your comments can be anonymous, though I will still keep the moderation on. Oh, and I don’t consider myself an expert in this area by the way so just keep that in mind!

I’m not an expert but I do know my own experience with marriage and I’ve learned a few things over the course of our ten years (which we celebrate June 6!) Here is some of what I’ve learned…

1. Sex is fun. Oh boy, I still remember “the talk” my mother tried to have with me before my wedding night trying to warn and “prepare” me. LOL. But she didn’t tell me how much fun sex can be and how it can bring you closer together as a couple.

2. Intimacy can happen on many levels. We definitely learned this lesson when my husband was deployed, because of course, we were half a world apart. But there were still things we could do to keep the fires of passion burning. We could write letters to each other, looking forward to the day we’d be back together. Since I know that men are much more visual than women are, I would send him pictures of me in his favorite outfits. Some women balk at doing this, afraid that they’re doing something wrong, but if they’re in good taste and it’s between you and your husband, I believe it’s ok. If you still worry about someone else other than your husband seeing a picture of you in a nightgown, consider putting your pictures on a thumb drive as another military wife suggested to me, one with a password that only you and your husband know. This brings me to point number 3.

3. Marriage is between you, your husband and God. I don’t believe there is any place for anyone else in my marriage. This includes pictures of other women, other men… I know I’ve heard people use the excuse that looking at other people makes their marriages more exciting, but I disagree. I think it opens up doors to places that we don’t need our marriages to go. I’ve seen other marriages damaged beyond repair because of an innocent “curiosity” or a casual look at a magazine which ultimately lead to a hardcore obsession with pornography and a destroyed marriage and family. I think there are plenty of fun and creative things you can do between you and your husband that can keep the romance and the interest alive without the need for bringing others into it.

4. Marriage is hard work. There’s a reason we say in our marriage vows “for better or for worse!” Because many times, we’re dealing with the worst! But, if you’ve talked to any couple who have been married a long time, they will probably tell you that when you can overcome those hard times, that the “better” times become all the more sweeter. Cliff and I have had our struggles over the years, but every time we’ve faced what seemed to be a really hard place, God has walked us through to the other side. But it took work, and it took commitment sometimes when the feelings of love weren’t overflowing. It is absolutely a choice you make to get up each day and be in your marriage and to love your spouse unconditionally. This can be hard – not to put conditions on your husband and what you think he should be doing and not be doing. The things you thought were so cute when you were first married can become the things that drive you crazy. But somewhere along the way you discover that those things are just part of the man you married and the man you love. And you love all of him. If there is anything my husband has taught me these past 10 years, it’s unconditional love. He accepts my faults along with the good.

5. Talking in your marriage is just as important as sex. You’ve probably heard this before, but communication with your husband is CRITICAL. You have to talk to each other! You have to be open to let each other know what you’re feeling and you need to hear the other person! In recent months, Cliff and I have had some doozies when it came to arguments, but we both have agreed that they have been some of our best! This is because we both were truly sharing with each other how we were feeling, and in turn, the other person heard those feelings and could adjust or respond in a way he or she needed to. Also, when you are going through an argument, recognize why you’re arguing. Is there a lot of stress happening around you? Are you dealing with big stuff in your marriage or your life? Make sure you recognize those things… it will help in the long run not to pin everything on your spouse but you can acknowledge the fact that it’s the circumstances of what’s happening that has you in a tizzy.

6. Pray with your husband. This is definitely the most important thing you can do. I think Carol McGlothlin shared with us in May the idea of a triangle and how God is at the top and then your husband and yourself each have the left and right side. There is something about going to God, hand in hand with your spouse, that can bring you closer than anything else. You’re intertwining your love, your hearts, and your souls on God and I think it makes a huge difference. Of course, I know this is harder to do when your husband is away. But praying by phone, or even praying for each other at the end of an email or a letter can still have the same effect.

OK, so those are my thoughts on the basic needs of a marriage. Did I leave anything out? Anything you’d like to add? Let’s take some time to discuss! Remember, you can post anonymously. If you have marriage resources you’d like to share that have helped you, feel free! We’ll be getting to some of those later in the week as well.

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