I haven’t disappeared. The simple truth is… it’s hard to come here and write. I write in my head. I have snippets of stories float around continuously. Today is different. I feel like my heart is set free… and I didn’t even know it was in bondage.
We’ve had a lot of sermons about forgiveness lately. It’s no surprise, really… as I continue in my daily reading of the scriptures, I realize how much God wants us to forgive. My pastor, Matt, said something a while ago that shook me to my core. ”Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act.” Why hadn’t anyone ever told me this before? I walked around feeling awful because I didn’t feel forgiving. Why was I still holding back with some people, not trusting? I’d forgiven them. Why can’t I move past this? Simply put, thanks to Pastor Matt, forgiveness is wiping the debt clean. Whatever debt is perceived by someone’s wrongdoing… by forgiving, I wipe the debt clean.
In a very random moment, I googled “weight loss AND God blogs” (more on that later). One of the first entries was an article by a “typical” Christian… lashing out biblical responses in an uncomprehending manner which, quite simply, didn’t relate to me. Simply put, the author said, “you can’t lose weight because you’re carrying around the weight of unforgiveness.” Umm… nope. I then boastfully told God as I drifted off to sleep saying my evening prayers that I most certainly was not harboring unforgiveness for anyone.
The darkness of sleep can bring many things to light. My dreams were filled with a continuous loop of a horrendous conversation I’ve never had… and will never have. In my dreams I screamed at a man who means the world to me. I screamed and spewed every awful thing that I had perceived this person had done to me. It was horrendous. I woke up completely drained. I felt hungover… and I didn’t even drink!
I readied for church, spoke to my lil’sis stationed in Japan (a Sunday morning date) and hit the highway for church. On my drive I recalled the dreams. My heart hurt and I had the sudden realization that God was trying to tell me something. I truly hadn’t forgiven this wonderful man. I made my way through the morning, but by mid-afternoon I knew. I had to call him. Thankfully I can. I picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hello?”
“Dad? I need to talk to you.”
“Uh oh.”
“Dad…” I told him about my pompous declaration to God about harboring unforgiveness, I told him about the dream.
“I forgive you. For everything.”
The next minutes were very emotional, very bad moments were rehashed… his reality so much different than my reality. He carried guilt for years… for no reason. Apologies were made, forgiveness was graciously given.
Reach out and forgive someone, even if you think there’s no one to forgive. My heart is so light, so free.
Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive and offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. Ephesians 4:32, The Message
Delta Whiskey is our Wives of Faith foodie. She’s an Air Force wife who also blogs at www.deltawhiskey.us.
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