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Author Archive for Kim

New Shoes, New Attitude

Posted by Kim on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011 in Faith | Comments (5)

The past few weeks my leg has been nagging me when I run.

I say nagging because it’s not an intense pain, it’s a just-enough-to-make-it-annoying pain.

(I hear that’s what nagging is like. I wouldn’t know, though, because my husband actually LOVES it when I repeatedly bug him about things until he gives in. That’s not nagging. Nagging would be annoying…)

I needed to do a few things in order to deal with the pain. I needed new shoes and I needed to fix whatever was wrong that was causing my foot to cramp.

But I was putting it off. Shoes cost money. They cost time and effort of working them in. And, well, my old shoes were comfy.

I was also putting off figuring out why one leg hurt that much more than the other. Even though I have a friend who is a great chiropractor and has a practice very close to my home, going would mean costs and an adjustment that would possibly bring a little pain on the way to making it better. And not just one adjustment, but several to make sure it ‘took’.

Mostly because fixing it would mean effort.  Ignoring it would take no effort at all.

Then last week I got home and pulled up my left leg to stretch… and my right knee gave out.

Turns out, ignoring it all didn’t actually help. It made it worse. Who would have thought?

And so today, after I finally dragged my butt into the chiropractor this week, was adjusted and massaged and grounded from running for a bit, and after finally going and buying a new pair of shoes, I thought of something.

Looking at my old shoes, I can see now they are filthy and worn. They never looked really bad on their own, or next to other old shoes at the front door. In fact, compared to some shoes, they look pretty good. I could even think to myself   ‘see, they are not as bad as those shoes.’

But next to my new shoes, they look like a mess. They are covered in mud and the leather is cracking. They have way too much give where they should be holding my foot tighter. Worn down and compromising in all the places my foot pushes the hardest.  They might feel comfortable because I am used to them, but they are actually hurting my feet and stopping me from being able to run father.

And I realize that I have a lot of attitudes and behaviours that look like my old shoes.

Next to others like mine, they look fine. They might even look good. I might be able to think to myself ‘see, at least it’s not as bad as that!’. But hold it next to God and it’s a mess, covered in messy thoughts and way too much give and compromise when there should be challenge and conviction.

Attitudes and behaviors that feel comfortable because I am used to them, but that are actually hurting me and stopping me from being able to grow further in my walk with God.

And change, that would come at a cost.  It would mean letting Someone give me an adjustment that will probably hurt.  And chances are I wouldn’t just need one but several to make sure the change ‘took’.  Funny thing about muscles and attitudes, they are both really stubborn about change.

Most of all, change would mean effort.  And ignoring it takes no effort at all.

Until one day I have complete meltdown with tears streaming down my face in the car with a screaming 3 year old on the way to dance class and realize that ignoring it isn’t helping anything.   It’s actually made things worse.

And then and only then do I ever get around to putting the effort in to change the old, comfortable attitudes and behaviours that seemed like they were working until I looked at them next to Jesus.

The adjustments will hurt, but in the long run will make everything easier and let me grow closer to God and my family.

My chiropractor spends a lot of time explaining to me how my feet are connected to all these other muscles that are causing them pain.  (I pretend to understand but there are reasons I took Social Work in college and one big one is I didn’t have to take math or science.)

Apparently they are also connected to my attitude.

And I don’t think there are adorable little pink ice-packs for after those kinds of adjustments.  But I know He is there to hold my hand through it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning.  I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army.  We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids.  We have survived 3  deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations.  While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job.  www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

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Seeking Understanding

Posted by Kim on Tuesday, August 9th, 2011 in Faith | Comments (2)

Recently there’s been some chatting in the military spouse community online about the idea that those outside the military don’t understand or appreciate the sacrifices that military families make on a day to day basis.

We in the military community aren’t the only ones who feel this.  People struggling with infertility can feel as though those with children don’t understand their hurts and those who are struggling in grief can become isolated in fear that no one knows their pain.  There are many communities online that reach out to groups like these to help people connect with others and know they are not alone in their experiences.  They offer support, encouragement and a place to ‘belong’ for those who feel that no one ‘gets i.t’  Like Wives of Faith, they offer a healthy environment of people who share a common bond and who can pray and be there for each other.

But we have to be careful to avoid the risk of allowing our small communities to let anger take over and bond instead over a dislike for those on the outside.   Then that happy and productive group changes from being supportive of one another to lashing out at ways we perceive others don’t understand us. Anger feeds on anger and bonds become over mutual hate instead of a mutual hurt.

Once that feeling starts, we can move even further down, when we start unnecessary comparisons of our experiences and begin to ‘one up’ each other.   When fighting starts over each person’s individual experience and whether it was worse than the other, no one feels supported and everyone feels alone.

The truth is, no one can relate to exactly what someone else is going through. Here on earth, there is no one who understands another’s pain completely.

But the Bible tells us that Jesus does.

Hebrews 4:14-16 in the Message says “Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”

We can learn from and support each other. That’s the reason Wives of Faith exists.

The Bible encourages us to lean on each other, to support and love those around us.   Galatians 6:3 tells us to carry each other’s burdens, and 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says we are to encourage each other and build each other up.

There is incredible blessing to be found in sharing experiences and using our hardships to reach out to others going through similar struggles.  But we take the role of Jesus and place it on others if we expect them to understand us completely. We can make our groups as big or as small as we like, but even if I joined a group called “Canadian Wives of x-type of Servicemen  who have experienced x number of tours and have x number of children”  I am not going to meet someone who knows what it’s been like to be me.   Contrary to the saying, no one can walk a mile in another person’s shoes. (And no one would want to walk in my size 5 stilettos anyway).

We have a God who not only came to earth as a human to suffer and die for us (as if that wasn’t enough). We have a God who came to experience our pain, our hurt, our suffering first hand. There is nothing we can deal with that he has not felt.

Once we are willing to accept that He is the only one who is able to truly feel it all, I believe we will be more able to drop the anger, hurt and one-upmanship that we feel when we compare our experiences with others and instead allow ourselves to be a support and encouragement to those around us.

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Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning.  I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army.  We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids.  We have survived 3 deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations.  While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job.  www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

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Not “Okay”

Posted by Kim on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011 in Deployment | Comments (5)

Here in Canada, a new TV show has come out about the war in Afghanistan. Taking a cue from M*A*S*H, it tells the story of a military hospital in the Kandahar Airfield.

I’m not going to argue whether or not the show is realistic, or if it does any justice to the image of the Canadian military. Regardless of its quality, the thing is, I don’t want to watch it.

Now, I’ve never been to Kandahar. I’ve never fought in a war or had my life in danger. Yet I still find myself experiencing emotionally painful responses when it comes to viewing things that have to do with the war in Afghanistan.

As soon as I invest any time, whether it’s a news article, a movie or a TV show, I find myself feeling the familiar anxiety in my chest, knot in my stomach and over-all feeling of unease. It is, in fact, the same feeling I have through most of my husband’s deployments. Even though it’s been 3 years since he’s been home, it comes right back, like it never left.

Why? Honestly, that’s the subject of this blog which has so far been the hardest one I’ve written. Because it’s not something I like to admit.

Spouses at home can feel the emotional after-effects of a deployment.

We hear a lot about soldier’s struggles on return. We know that we can’t expect them to be the same. That there will be lasting changes. From the normal reintegration struggles to PTSD, invisible battle scars are something we hear about, are taught to look for in our spouses and learn to accept as a possible consequence of war just like a physical wounds.
Where does that leave us? Are we expecting ourselves to instantly feel ‘back to normal’ the moment his boots hit the ground at home? After months and months of living with lingering fear of his safety, of jumping every time you hear the news, of worry and anxiety and sleepless nights, can we just drop it all and go back to the way things were instantly?

I thought I could.

I thought I did.

The reality, though, is that I have changed too. And not just that I am more independent than I was before that first tour, or that I am stronger or more reliant on God. I am all those things.

I am also more anxious. While after years of living this life I can handle his short absences with ease, they have caused me the occasional completely-unnecessary fear for his safety. Remembrance Day turns my normally non-crier personality into a blubbery mess for weeks leading up to it.

Hardest to admit is that seeing families or reading stories of injured soldiers or those killed in action can make me feel a terrible, sometimes almost immobilizing guilt that we have seen the other side safely while they have had to endure so much.

I think it’s safe to say that my soldier is not the only one who was emotionally affected by his deployments.

So what’s my lesson in this?

• Admission that I am not perfect. It’s easy to hold the image of the un-phased military spouse. But that’s not reality and I am not her. Anyone who thinks I am has never seen my day 3 of absence meltdown or my military induced hissy-fits.

• Recognizing I have limits, and that’s okay. I don’t have to watch every movie or TV show about Afghanistan. There can be enough reality in my life without it taking over my entertainment time.

• Acceptance that God taught me a lot but I still have much more to learn. Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” These things could break you, but they don’t have to. Every moment has a chance to be a lesson.

So here I am, on the other side of my blog and my admission that I’m not always “okay.” It’s not so bad. My prayer is that it will reach the woman out there who is struggling thinking she’s alone in it all.

You are not alone. And you don’t always have to be okay. We’re allowed to need time to adjust too. And if your fear, anxiety or hurts are enough that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, help is there. Please speak up.

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Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning. I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids. We have survived 3 deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations. While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job. www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

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“Just Another Army Wife”

Posted by Kim on Thursday, June 30th, 2011 in Devotionals | Comments (4)

 

One evening before heading out to our first Mess Dinner after my husband’s promotion, I asked him to give me an explanation about rank within his unit. He gave me a simplified answer, explaining that each Troop has a Troop Leader (Officer) who is in charge and under him, a Troop NCO (Sergeant or Warrant Officer).

What struck me in this was that the Troop Leader almost always has less experience than his NCO. He is a Lieutenant, a trained Officer and has gone to school to be a leader, but he may have less than 5 years in the military.

The NCO on the other hand, has worked his way up to that position from a Private. He usually has 10-15 years experience at his job. And he knows the soldiers under him better. He has the opportunity to spend more time with them and so can make more informed decisions on their skills and what they can handle.

Despite all this, at the end of the day, the Troop Leader makes the final decisions. That’s what he’s been trained to do. In the dynamic of the Military Regiment, it’s his job. And unless his orders are illegal, his Troop is expected to follow them whether they agree or not.

This may sound unfair, but as my husband pointed out, it works if you have a good Troop Leader. A good leader has a great deal of respect for his NCO. He consults with him before making big decisions and listens to his opinion. He also has to care more about the soldiers under him than anything else on the job. He will defend them, motivate, encourage and support them. The decisions he makes need to be based on what is best for the entire Troop, not just his own career. Nothing would get done without a Leader, or if the NCO refused to obey or belittled him in front of the Troops. They need to present a united front to those under them.

So on the ride into the Dinner, I realized something. This is exactly how God intended the family to work. To the world, it sounds unfair, outdated and old-fashioned. But the Bible teaches it! (1 Corinthians 11:3). The way God makes it fair – he tells husbands they need to be good Troop Leaders.

My husband the leader of our little Troop, but as his “NCO”, I have more experience with the day-to-day working of our lives and our children. I spend more time with them and I know their skills and struggles well. The day-to-day operations of our family, they are left to me because he can’t always be here to make every call and he doesn’t need to be. He trusts me completely. He respects and listens to my opinions. He knows that I have a better understanding on how things work in the home and trusts my judgement. And as our leader, he cares more about his family than anything else. Every decision he makes will be based on what he feels is best for us, not for him.

We talk our big decisions through and we almost always agree completely on the course of action. But if we don’t, he does have the final call. As any Troop Leader will tell you, that’s a lot of ownership, a lot of stress and a lot of sleepless nights. He will be the one who must answer to his Commanding Officer on how well he led his Troop. I need to pray for him, support him and stand united with him to our children.

My greatest blessing is that I have a husband who desires to follow God. What I need to do now is stop seeing myself as ‘just another army wife’, but instead being happy that is who I am! I was created to be the partner for a man who loves me as Jesus loves the Church.

I am my own person, I have my own dreams, goals and ambitions, but those seem to be accomplished best when I remember who I am first. A child of God and a wife to the one who was created to love me.

Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning. I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids. We have survived 3 deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations. While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job. www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

Popularity: 11% [?]

Trading it all

Posted by Kim on Thursday, June 9th, 2011 in Deployment, Faith | Comments (2)

This fall when a group of soldiers from my husband’s unit returned from Afghanistan, it marked the first time since the war began that all members of that unit would be home in Canada.  For that brief time no one from the Regiment was at war and to celebrate, his Commanding Officer threw a party.

A hall was rented, food was catered, huge door prizes were donated and all the soldiers and their spouses came dressed up and ready to enjoy it.  A big name Canadian band even donated their time to play a private show just for us.

I remember looking around the room that night happy that everyone was getting the chance to just be proud of their unit, their friends and themselves.  If I’ve noticed one major difference between Canadian and American military, it’s the level of pride.  Soldiers here are much more reserved and while we have things like Regimental shirts and sweaters and stickers and flags, they are for the most part just for work.  Maybe it’s the stereotype of the humble polite Canadian, but they tend to leave all the ‘army’ stuff on the job.  So to see them all, in a room with the Regiments crest projected on the walls, celebrating their hard work, it warmed my heart.

After dinner the band got up to play and about halfway through their set they got to one slow song that everyone in the crowd knew the words to and they all sang along to the chorus:

“If I traded it all, if I gave it all away for one thing, just for one thing…”

I stood on the outskirts of what had for the last song been a mosh pit, and I watched all these soldiers with their eyes closed and their hands and cell phones in the air, sing that line over and over with the band.

And I realized the truth of it – that they had been willing to do just that.  They had traded their safe lives at home, their time with their family, the opportunity to spend milestone dates with their kids and holidays with their wives, for a war in the desert to fight for something they believe in.

The even harder reality was that they had been willing to give even more and lay their lives on the line for that one thing – the safety of the people back home.  Not every member of the unit was with us at that party because some had gave it all.

Doesn’t that just give us a glimpse of God’s ultimate sacrifice?  That Jesus, who having it all and living with God in perfection, traded everything he had to be born a man and live on earth, to be persecuted, shamed, beaten and killed, all for just one thing – us.

Jesus’s Disciples dropped their entire lives to follow Jesus during his lifetime on earth and after His death and resurrection, many were imprisoned, beaten and executed for their faith.

The truth is that in many persecuted nations, they understand those early believers and what giving it all for their faith really means.  For many, following Christ means being willing to risk their homes, jobs, families and lives for the sake of Jesus Christ.  This is not a world that we live in here.  And all too often that means that my faith becomes a fair-weather faith and my sacrifice is almost non-existent.

Just as not every soldier will give their life on the battlefield, not every believer is called to face such trials for Christ’s sake.  But in the same way, just as every soldier stands willing to make that sacrifice for their country, we as followers of Christ need to stand willing to lay our entire lives on the alter for the sake of His Name.

Interestingly as I scanned that party I realized that the Regimental motto of my husband’s unit is “Perseverance”.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

 

 

Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning.  I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army.  We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids.  We have survived 3 deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations.  While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job.  www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

 

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