I’ve been so bad recently at finding time for prayer. I can blame it on being busy, or being lazy; but I think my real reason is fear. I feel like if I just keep moving and don’t stop to think, maybe my emotions won’t catch up with me. My husband being deployed is so scary. It’s scary because there’s so much I don’t know- so much he can’t tell me. It’s scary because the news never reports anything good. It’s scary because I have no control over this situation. I think I’m afraid that if I stop to pray, stop to let God in completely right now, I’ll feel as though I’ve lost control. The fact of the matter is, I cannot fathom anything happening to my husband. And I worry that if I really am at peace with this deployment mess, then I’ll open myself up to the possibility of tragedy. I can’t imagine life without him. I really don’t know how I could function. When he’s not here, I just put certain parts of my life on hold, on pause until he comes back. I can’t imagine that day not coming.
I try not to worry and I don’t want to fear, but this is such unchartered waters for me, I don’t know how to approach this. I want god to be in control, to know my heart and occupy every inch of it, but I’m so afraid. I just need him in my life and part of me feels almost like we still haven’t gotten that chance! Long distance and constant deployments, it’s hard to not desire a “normal” life and marriage. But I love him with all that I am and I am so unbelievably proud of the man he is. I’m grateful for his presence in my life, no matter what the distance between us is. And I can’t help but see clearly God’s hand in our entire story. Our meeting, our dating, our marriage, and our daily walk.
God, help me open my heart to you, trust in you, and to not be fearful but confident of this deployment and your presence in it. And Genesis 31:49. SHMILY
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Wow, I think we all feel that way, even sometimes if it's not a deployment. I've been praying this exact same prayer the last couple days. So you are not alone, even though I think sometimes we all think we are! how ironic huh?
maria
I was just reminding another friend of mine that God made emotions. He wants us to have them, He wants us to feel them. They are not bad, they are not supposed to be held in, or tampered down. However, they ARE supposed to be shared. With HIM. With people we love and trust and who will support us. It is okay to feel a little fear now and then, as long as you remember to give it to HIM. I don't think God expects us to never be human, to never feel fear. He just expects us to remember that HE holds us in His hands. One day at a time…
Andy's Bethy
Gina,I felt that exact same way when my husband was deployed last year. But when I did finally start praying again and letting God in and take control, it was amazing. He showed me that he is taking care of my husband and my family. He let me know that he has a plan for our lives and while there will be things that hurt or disappoint us He is still in control. I am having to remember that right now since we are playing a waiting game right now with my husband's orders. We have no clue where we are going, or when, or what is in store for us when we get there. I know that God is taking care of us and even though we don't know He does. Don't stop praying, God uses that time to bless you tremendously. Beth
Beth Bradley
My husband left earlier this week to start training with the national guard. He is going to be gone seven months, I should get to see him twice during that time. But this being apart and not getting to talk is all new to me, and a big challenge. Your words about not wanting emtions to catch up, and afraid to let God completely in and giving Him full control because it might mean opening up to other things fit me so well. I have tried to stay at a distance from my emtions and God to try and make this easier. Though I still cry and still turn to God it is not completely. I know that is wrong. Thank you for writing this and helping me see that in myself.
Meagan
Oh Ladies! My heart goes out to you. I, too, am in deployment and the emotions can be gripping. I have learned to let them run their course, within limits. I share my emotions, my fears, my sadness, and my loneliness, with God and "safe" people I can trust.
It’s not easy to reach out, though, recognize the enemy encouraging you to stuff those feels deep inside you and to keep them to yourself. Get on the phone to a trusted friend, send an email to the Wives of Faith prayer team or find some alone time with God and let those emotions out. I find that after I come out of those emotional roller coaster-day(s) – I am so much more aware that God is my Rock.
He loves us so much and He will never let go of your hand in those dark times (whether deployment, PCS, training and so on…). He is always there for you. He does not want you to go through it alone. Psalm 18:30-32 says, “He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my ways perfect.”
Jolene