“We’re not having children,” I’d say in response to another inquiry as to The Husband’s and my plans for a family.  At first we’d get the stare of disbelief, then in an amused tone, “You’re kidding!  Right?” was a common response.  It was as if we were insulting the core of other people’s existence because we weren’t going to reproduce.  What was so wrong with being young, in love and married?  We certainly didn’t feel as if anything was missing.  A couple of years passed and our second wedding anniversary prompted the conversation to open between The Husband and I.  I’m not sure who brought it up, I just remember the unbelievable feeling of unease that clouded our marriage for a few weeks.  Countless discussions surrounded the topic of extending our family.  Ultimately, we decided to table the conversation for a couple years.

Two years can pass in the blink of an eye when they are studded with deployments, promotions, long hours and a million other things. The Should We Extend Our Family conversation began again.  By this point, The Husband and I were less tense about the idea.  We’d grown up a bit: mentally, physically and spiritually.  The thought of starting a family was not only less scary, but a little welcoming.  At the time, we were great friends with a couple who had been trying with all their hearts for several years to start a family.  I sobbed when I found out her new pregnancy ended before we could welcome the little one to this earth.  I prayed with her, laughed and cried with her.  As her friend and a woman, I sensed the intense desire within her spirit to be a mother.  I, however, had never felt the overwhelming desire to be called mommy; and more than that, the thought was heart stopping.  How could I be a mommy to someone when I still feel like a child myself?  Ultimately, I decided I still wasn’t quite old enough or ready, especially when The Husband said, “Kids are like potato chips… you can’t just have one.”

Another 2  1/2 years have passed with the idea of expanding our family still hanging out there.  I can’t come to grips with the fact that I’m supposed to raise children when I feel as if I, myself, am a child with so much left to learn.  Countless hours of prayer and consideration have consumed me.  I’ve talked to friends my age who aren’t raising babies anymore, but raising toddlers who cannot believe they are considered “adult enough” to raise children.  The next generation has started their family and I’m still standing back with an eyebrow raised in skepticism.

Spending time with our Father only seems to ease my mind and spirit.  Recently in the midst of a prayer, I heard the Voice of Reason wrap around my brain in a whisper, “My child. You will always be my child.” Is this the answer I’d been looking for? The way only a God so amazing can put me in my place by assuring me that I will always be a child in His eyes, but adult enough to raise children of my own.  As long as I hold tight to my faith in Him, my spirit will continue to be free and youthful but I’ll also be entrusted to raise God-fearing children of my own… with His help, of course.

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Delta Whiskey is an Air Force wife of almost 7 years, who makes it her mission in life to put God first, love with all her heart, live life to the fullest and encourage others.  She can be found most days at www.deltawhiskey.us where healthy recipes, crafts, stories and photography can be found.  You can also drop her a line at deltawhiskey01@gmail.com.

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