It was another Skype call followed by another set of tears.  While trying to maintain some kind of resolve and a degree of composure, I felt myself breaking like the snow-laden branches outside my window.   Not wanting to make things any more difficult for my spouse who is living a life of working 15 hour days, 7 days/week in a foreign, often dangerous land, I quickly hit the “End Call” button.  My heart said, “Don’t let go!” while my head said, “Don’t add to his difficulty.”

Surely I was doing something wrong.  Did this really have to be so hard?  Why was I still having days when I just dissolved emotionally?  I mean come on, I am a child of God Almighty.  My husband and I have been married for 28 years.  This is not the first time we have walked through deployment.  For pete’s sake, I even write pieces of encouragement for military wives!  What a fraud.  Why was I such a failure?

I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no

one can shut.  I know that you have little strength,

yet, you have kept my word and not denied my name.

Revelation 3:8 (NIV)

Wow.  God knows.  He knows exactly how I am doing.  I may fool the world, my friends, my children or even my spouse, but God knows my deeds.  And He sees my hurt.

Wow.  God has an open door for me.  As I wait anxiously to develop the ability to “properly execute a deployment” (whatever that means!), God is ready and available to help me the minute I stop thrashing through the deep waters trying to do everything by myself.  He makes His power readily available to me anytime I choose to walk through His always open door.

Wow.  God knows that I have little strength.  No matter what I expect of myself or feel like others expect of me, God is keenly aware of my condition.  I have total need of His grace and mercy just to make it from one day to the next.  And no matter how good a show I may put on for others, He is always aware of my limitations.  They have not escaped his gaze nor caused Him to look upon me with disappointment.

When I view my current situation through the lens of God’s word, I find that I am indeed a woman of little strength.  And, amazing as it may seem, that thought gives me peace.   As we draw closer to the close of my spouse’s military career, I realize the day is probably not going to come when I do deployments well.  So, that is my underwear hanging on the line – I am a military spouse who does not handle deployments well.  Who sometimes dissolves into tears at the end of (or even during) a Skype call.  A woman of little strength.  But I serve a God who is strong indeed.  And His word encourages me.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10b (NIV)

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