When marriage gets hard
September 8th, 2009 | 
Author: Well, it happened again.
Another couple separated. I am shocked, and saddened, and my heart grieves. And once again, I feel blindsided by the “how could I not see it coming?” question. Then I realize: she didn’t even see it coming on their 20th anniversary. So how could I, really?
Out of the handful of divorces I’ve stood alongside in the past couple of years, this is the first military one. What makes it hurt more is not that they are a military family, but that they are Christians.
Often as military spouses, we might think that we have it harder than the rest of the world. The civilian world has no idea what we endure, what we go through for their freedom, and maybe they don’t. But are our marriages harder? Are our divorces worse and more tragic?
Because I’m writing this for an organization that supports military spouses, and because many of you are Reserve or Guard and might not have signed up for this military wife gig in the first place, and straddle the civilian and military world . . . I’m not sure I should say what I’m going to say. But I’m going to say it anyway:
Marriage is hard sometimes. And it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do for a living.
Does it really matter why? If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know marriage can be hard. It can hurt. It can also be wonderful, and fun, and nearly effortless.
Sometimes our faults and foibles and difficulties are magnified through the lens of the military. Lack of communication when you live in the same house as your husband sure doesn’t get any better when he’s halfway around the world, does it? We can play martyr when he’s vegging on the couch just as easily as we can when he’s in the sandbox. He can be the strong silent type anywhere. Because we’re ourselves. It’s like the old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
At the same time, we can learn to make the best of a situation and turn it around to our advantage. Find ways to connect, to be a team, whether we’re ten feet or five thousand miles apart.
Learning what makes a military marriage great
So what does that look like? Well, I’m still learning. I was 32 when my parents split up after 35 years of marriage. Until I heard from my mother that my father left, I believed my parents’ marriage to be the ideal. The one to emulate. It rocked my world, and it affects my own marriage even now.
What I have learned is this: We should never take anything for granted. Ever. That includes our husbands and our marriages, for marriage is the relationship that mirrors Christ’s love for the Church. Another thing I know absolutely is that there is always, always hope.
If you find yourself in need of some help in your marriage, let me offer the following resources for you. I am not a counselor, and this is not professional advice. This is simply a list of resources available to you to help support you and your military husband in your marriage. If you find that you need some help, PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Focus on the Family
Focus on the Family has been advocating for marriage and the family for decades. Visit their resources page. They also have a resource web page specifically designed for military marriages.
Campus Crusade for Christ International’s Family Life Ministry has a military ministry and has several good resources you’ll want to check out.
Know your chaplaincy resources
I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you that as a military spouse, the chapel at your base or post is available to you. Chaplains are always available to refer, to counsel, and always to listen. They are safe and confidential. If you do not live near a military installation, please talk to a pastor at your church.
And finally, I’d like to remind you that Military One Source offers counseling.
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i know you took a risk by saying what you did about marriage but i completely agree. i married my soldier (army reserves) just a month before the mobilization of his and our first deployment. in theory i knew what i was choosing but you can never truly be ready for marriage or deployment. there are just too many unknowns. i am a month and a half shy of my one year wedding anniversary and i have seen my husband forty-five days in that time of marriage. i have had many friends (married and single, newly-weds and not) ask me “how do you do it?” and all i can say is “this is the only marriage i know. i do not know what its like to wake up with my husband every morning and i never will. i have to walk the line between military and civilian life but to be honest, i don’t know how my marriage is in comparison to purely civilian marriages. i just know my marriage and i believe it should be the only marriage i worry about.
Danie, thanks for commenting. I agree with what you said as well. I hope this has encouraged you and let me also encourage you! You and your husband can figure out what works for the two of you to keep your relationship strong.
Pattie,You make an excellent point about marriage being hard no matter who you are or what your full-time or weekend warrior job is! I certainly thought that when my hubby separated from active duty Army that life would be easier on many fronts. Life is certainly different, but I wouldn’t call it easier. The challenges we have faced and trials we’ve walked through post-Army are still difficult. They just don’t go by the title, “deployment” anymore! And you are right, there is always hope! Whether it be in marriage issues or anything else, we have hope in Christ.