During my husband’s recent deployment to Iraq, our marriage of 13 years was tested. Times of separation are never good for any marriage, but this time it was particularly difficult. It was our first overseas deployment. He had been mobilized twice practically back to back. It was two years almost straight, but he was in the US. Not to make light of any time we spend separated from our spouse, but overseas deployment is very different.
Initially we went through the arguments and frustrations of deployment. Withdrawal on his part before he left made me feel insecure in our relationship and insecure about him leaving. After he was gone, he would call home and there was silence. We had absolutely nothing to say to one another. It was so painful and difficult to comprehend. I was struggling to keep my chin up and function every day and he was struggling with leaving me in that situation. I could literally feel our bonds tearing apart. It was so incredibly painful and scary.
When he finally came home for R&R, we decided that things had to change. My husband and I went to the Christian book store together and picked out three Bible studies and bought two copies of each. (One had a video. I contacted the company and told them what we were doing and asked for a second copy of the video and they gladly sent it to me for free!) We planned to read our study on the same day and when we could communicate, we would talk about what we had read. It might be through text, emails, skype, yahoo, or on the phone.
One of the studies was “A Marriage without Regrets” by Kay Arthur. There is a book and a study guide available. It wasn’t too time consuming and it has some very good thought provoking questions that really encouraged communication. Please know that there are literally thousands of studies to choose from this just happened to be my favorite even though at times it was hard.
Communicate with your husband
Daily communication is so vital. In some cases, it is not possible to actually speak everyday, but I made some effort to contact him. I sent an email, text or even a real letter. He would make every effort to do the same. When you have had a horrible day and you feel the only step you can make is to crawl into bed; take five minutes and tell your spouse about your day. They want to feel a part of your life. He knows he is missing out, but he doesn’t want to be. Tell him little Johnny drew on the walls with crayons, you had an argument with your boss and you miss him so very much! He needs to hear you need him and miss him. Don’t be all doom and gloom, because he does need to maintain his focus in the field. But by that same token, don’t be afraid to say you had a bad day.
Protect your marriage
Most importantly, protect your relationship! This was the most important part of our plan. Hold onto your seats! You are about to read a very radical concept in marriage safety. Don’t talk to the opposite sex about personal issues. That’s it in a nut shell! The key to affair proofing your marriage can lie in those few words of wisdom from days gone by.
Don’t go to dinner with them or allow them to bring dinner. Don’t be home alone when they offer to cut your grass or trim your hedges. Have a trusted friend, sister or your mother over if someone offers to help you. You are vulnerable. You may be angry that he is gone and some other man has to do his chores. You may just be lonely. Men are created with a desire to take care of us. They may not intend anything but to take care of their friend’s wife. They feel a sense of duty while he is away on his duty. That alone time and your sadness are a deadly combination and can cause numerous problems! Danger, Will Robinson!
Make some time just for the two of you
Finally, once he returns home, make it a point to have alone time. You two are going to have to reconnect. The military and military support systems offer many ways for you two to get away for little or no cost to you. Strong Bonds, Yellow Ribbon and A Weekend to Remember are just a few wonderful opportunities to reconnect after deployment. No matter what you choose, plan to reconnect in a way and time that is meaningful to the two of you.
Remember what First Corinthians 13:7 says: “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Sgt. James and Christie Pickard live near Atlanta with their children. Christie is an Enrichment Specialist for a local school system and James works for a local law enforcement agency. He is also in the Army Reserves.
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