This post was originally published at Hawthorn Tree.

Fresh starts just don’t happen overnight. Everyone who has ever had one knows that. Sometimes they may even take years. For some, it may be that they are finally able to go back to school and finish that degree. For others, it may just take years to build up the courage (or frustration) to take a leap from the light of the known into the darkness of not knowing where we have to depend on the Unseen to guide each movement.

My journey, thus far, has had a few fresh starts, mostly because of my unwillingness to step out on faith. That’s hard to admit out here in the open. But, in plain honesty it is not less than that. That is not to say that I have never stepped out on faith. It just took me longer than it should have. That is obviously said in hindsight. However, after all these years shouldn’t I have learned a few lessons? But here I am again, even after saying over and over again how I would never again base my life decisions on fear, I am faltering on the cliff’s edge. This time, I’m not sure how much is fear (a little, undoubtedly) and how much is that I have to die to myself (my aspirations, my pride, my old goals, my pride, my expectations, mine and those that I perceive that other have for me, my pride). I think you get the picture.

For the better part of a year my mind has consistently settled on one story in The Bible. It digs deep into the crevices of my heart. There have been times that I hear the hero’s cry to God pour from my own soul, if not my lips. From the depths of Sheol (the grave), I cried out. And God, our unchanging Counselor, heard my cry. That may seem like strong words. But, I was there. And during that time, God brought Jonah’s tale to my mind.

At first I took that verse as is, a comfort. Jonah, called out to God in the direst of need and God listened to him. That verse was God saying to me, Amber, it doesn’t matter how bad off your situation is, I can hear you and I’m listening. As time went on Jonah still held a place in my mind. I began to study the story again. It was then that I realized that I had more in common with Jonah that I really liked to admit. He was running. I was running. He made the choice to disobey based on his pride. My choice, to remain in place in the uncomfortable familiar was due to my pride. I had known that I was running the entire time. I had been knowingly walking in disobedience, dangerous territory from the outset. By staying put and refusing to move I was acting just as much in opposition to God’s will as Jonah was by running the opposite direction of Nineveh.

Fighting God head on is a losing battle. We will eventually be forced to make a choice between dying to ourselves and following His guidance or death, real physical and spiritual death. Jonah chose to die to himself in the belly of that fish. His spirit conceded to God’s will. He agreed to lay aside his pride and do what God had instructed him.

Unlike the hero of the story, I will not be able to ask my shipmates to throw me over. That’s not His plan for me. No, I have to step up on that plank all by myself and jump into the depths of Him.

I have made the choice to make a new beginning in God’s will. Now I ask him for the strength to lay down my pride and to take the leap to the fresh start my soul is craving.

Jonah’s Prayer

Jonah 1:1-2, 6 and 9

1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
“In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.

6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.

9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD.”

Lord, thank you for loving me even though I’m bullheaded and full of pride. Thank you for bringing me out of the depths. Help me to make the right decisions and to follow you. Guide my steps and heal my heart. Amen

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