Fear has been my greatest struggle in life. It was only this past year that I realized how much fear controlled and negatively impacted my life. It happened during a conversation with my husband, when he made the observation that pretty much everything sinful that I struggle with, every bad decision I make, and every fight we have is based ultimately in a root of fear. At first I didn’t think he was right, but as I began to observe my life over the next few weeks and “track things back” when bad things happened, I realized that his observation was spot-on.

Realizing the problem has only been part of the battle. Once I realized that I WAS afraid, I had to ask myself WHY I was afraid and what I was afraid of. The whys and whats were really numerous. My life has been wonderful, but I’ve had to deal with a lot of difficult circumstances that have brought me a lot of pain. With each hurt I have experienced I find myself both desperately fearing yet expecting similar problems in the future. That fear and expectation causes me to act and react in negative ways when I get into a situation similar to one in which I have experienced deep pain in the past. I see this everywhere in my life . . . with churches, schools, spiritual leaders, friends, and relationships . . . even with God. My fear causes me to suspect everyone and everything I see and know, to expect them to hurt me, and not to trust anyone, even those closest to me who have proven themselves over and over. While I have many “friends,” beyond my family, there are but one or two other people who really know me, know what I’ve been through, and who I can trust to tell anything. Sometimes my fear will cause me to imagine things that aren’t true. Then I either pull away from people, or I lash out at them and accuse them of things that they haven’t even (or haven’t yet) done.

Around the same time I was having these immensely helpful realizations, I began seeing a family counselor on post. Now, I definitely do not bank on everything that modern psychology has to say, but my counselor has been very helpful with helping me overcome fear. She gave me some materials on the “ABC Model of Rational Thinking.” Basically, the ABC model shows that most of the circumstances that happen in life happen this way: There is A, an “activating event.” In other words, something happens. Then we have B, “beliefs” about that event. This usually happens in a split second. Then we have C, the “consequences” of those beliefs–usually initial emotions and then reactions to those beliefs. Where we face problems, especially when it comes to fear and how fear affects our lives, is in the B step. Something happens, and, in my life, I am initially fearful. Then I react to those fears and eventually regret the consequences.

What I am trying to work on is that B step. How? First of all, when something happens, I try to analyze my thoughts and beliefs. What I’m finding is that, many times, my thoughts and beliefs are completely irrational and based in deep-rooted hurts from my past. When I realize that, then I can combat those irrational thoughts with truth.

What I quickly realized is that everything my counsellor was telling me was, in one way or another, something that I could find directly in Scripture. One of the verses that came to my mind was Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

2 Corinthians 10:5 says this: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…”

I realized that all I was doing in evaluating my thoughts (step B), was in this verse! Taking those irrational thoughts and casting them down. Taking captive those foolish thoughts that would cause foolish behavior!

Further, once I was able to recognize irrational thinking, I could combat it with truthful arguments. As we are encouraged in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest . . . think on these things.”

It was so amazing to see God using an unsaved woman to remind me of HIS truth and shed a new light on it!

What I’d like to do now is share with you a few tips that I have been adapting into my daily life to help me overcome fear. These are in no way all-inclusive, nor is this meant to be any “5 step program to overcoming fear.” These are just things that I have found to work for me, based on the work that I’ve been doing in counseling and the things that God has taught me through His Word:

  • Be observant of your own life. Watch for areas where you are letting fear in the door of your heart. Recognize how your fears negatively affect your life and your relationships with other people. Think ahead about situations that could make you fearful, and try to combat your fears before you even get into the situation.
  • Be on the lookout for irrational thinking. Once you begin looking for it and analyzing your thoughts, you’ll be amazed at how crazy your thoughts can be!!
  • Combat irrational thinking with facts and the truth of Scripture. Tell yourself those things which you know to be true. Meditate on verses. Listen to Godly music that can help encourage you. (Philippians 4:8)
  • Share your thoughts and fears with someone you trust. My “someone” is my husband. Sometimes just saying out loud what I am afraid of helps me to analyze its rationality. It also gives my husband the opportunity to remind me of the facts and truth that I can use to combat my fear. When we get into a situation where he knows I am fearful, he is right there to reassure me all the way.
  • If you find that your fears are rational and indeed something you have every right to be afraid of, give your fears over to God. Remember that your worrying won’t change the situation, and that God is watching over you no matter what. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (1 Peter 5:7). What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. (Psalm 56:3)

I’m going to end with an example—an embarrassing one for me, but a good example nonetheless. Over Christmas, we had plans to go spend 10 days with my parents and my siblings. This year would be a little different, though, as my younger brother would be bringing his new girlfriend home to meet the family. Only problem was that his girlfriend is a year older than I am. While I didn’t mind that, for him, as the time neared for us to meet, I had this insanely controlling fear that for some reason my husband would be attracted to this girl. (Disclaimer: My husband has never given me reason to doubt his love or faithfulness, I am just an extremely jealous wife because of other situations I have been in in the past.)

Before I began on this process, what would have most likely happened would have been something like this:

I would have said nothing, we would have spent time with the family. I would have been on-edge constantly, watching my husband and this girl like a hawk. I would have misinterpreted every look, word, or action as flirtation and interest. After seeing enough I would have pulled hubby aside, accused him of all sorts of absurdities, and a huge fight would have erupted. This would have resulted in a lot of unneeded friction and over-all family weirdness at the very least, and at the worst possibly some permanent damage between me and my future sister-in-law.

Thankfully, I was already being more aware of my thoughts. So when these fears crossed the paths of my mind I purposed in my mind not to let this affect me. I told myself truthful things about my husband, about the way he has proved himself to me over and over. I reassured myself of his love for me. Then, before the trip, I went to my husband and told him, not in an accusatory way, but rather gently, that this was something I was fearful of. I may have even prefaced it by saying something like, “I know this is crazy and irrational, but . . . .”

My husband reassured me right then and there of his love and that I alone held his heart, and I was able to relax. Although we didn’t speak of it any further, I noticed that during our stay with my parents, he made extra effort to be reassuring and sweet to me, especially if in the same room or engaged in conversation with this girl. Simple things like holding my hand went a long way to make sure that I knew that his thoughts and attentions were always focused on me.

Now, of course, it all seems very silly (like I said, this is rather embarrassing for me). But it was the best example I could think of as far as how I was able to overcome fear in a difficult situation.

I hope that this has been helpful. Overcoming fear is a process that I deal with daily, and I fail much of the time. What I have given you here is simply what God has been working on with me in my own life.

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