Protect your marriage
September 8th, 2009 | 
Author: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage by Nancy C. Anderson
Reviewed by Pattie Reitz
You know you’ve chosen an honest book when the first sentence of the first paragraph reads, “Hello, my name is Nancy, and I am a cheater.” Talk about a punch to the solar plexus! Nancy offers a no-holds-barred, honest look into her past, into how she broke her marriage vows and why, and describes how she and her husband Ron rebuilt their marriage—now in its 30th year and going strong.
Nancy is honest without being gratuitously graphic, speaking the truth in love that radiates off the page. Her heart’s desire is to help other women protect their marriages so they do not have to face the pain she faced.
The book is structured by the six hedges the Andersons suggest building for a strong marriage:
- Hearing
- Encouraging
- Dating
- Guarding
- Educating
- Satisfying
Each chapter for each hedge gives Scripture references and strong practical advice.
One of the statements that stood out for me was, “Married love is not a feeling—it is a decision.”
Nancy and her husband Ron have built a ministry out of their experience in dealing with infidelity and the rebuilding of their marriage. They speak across the country and have even been on the Montel Williams show.
Many thanks to Nancy Anderson for the review copy of her book! I highly recommend it as a resource for any married couple who wants to learn more about building hedges to protect marriage, as well as those helping others in marriage.
Nancy’s website: NancyCAnderson.com
Nancy and Ron’s blog: Joyful Marriage
A Cyber-Interview with Nancy C. Anderson, author of Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:
What is your military story?
My husband was in the Army, my dad in the Air Force, and my grandfather was in France during WWI, so I also have a heart for the military.
That’s great! We at Wives of Faith truly appreciate your support.
I have read your book and looked at your website, and it struck me that so much of what you’ve written is about the affair. I’m curious. Doesn’t bringing it up over and over again hurt your relationship with your husband?
No, Ron talks about it to his friends too. He loves to tell our story, because it’s a success story. Much like someone who survived cancer shares their victory to encourage others who are suffering now. We also tell it as a cautionary tale to warn others what can happen if they are not actively “watering and weeding” their marriage.
What special recommendations or advice would you offer to military couples when one of them is deployed for four or six or twelve or more months at a time?
I would suggest that they stay as connected as possible through email, phone, and mail. Also, to make an effort to continue the romance (flirting, reliving sweet memories), not just the business of being married (bill paying, sick kids, household decisions). Be sure to have a “no secrets” policy in place so they can talk about temptations and weaknesses without condemnation; we all struggle and if you say it aloud, it takes some of the attraction out of it. If a spouse admits temptation, the other one must be careful not to overreact and thus shut communication down, but instead help them make a plan to resist the temptation.
Those are great recommendations!
Your book was published in 2004. Since then, online social networking sites have absolutely taken off. What do you think about the effects of social networking (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc.) on marriage relationships? Do you think they open up the hedge?
Yes, I think these connections can be dangerous if they are kept secret. I have a Facebook account but Ron has full access to it and I have a policy that I cannot connect with any old boyfriends. Likewise, I have access to all his accounts and passwords and if we hear from someone we used to date, we tell each other immediately and won’t reply to them. We know that secrets will only lead to more secrets and then to distance between us, so we don’t allow any secrets to begin. We have conversations about these temptations and make a plan for escape if we are tempted. My affair was not one big decision, but a series of hundreds of small ones, so we are aware of each choice we make and each choice either moves us closer, or further apart. So we choose “us.”
Thanks again, Nancy! We wish God’s blessings on you and your family, as well as your ministry.
If you have a book you’d like Pattie to review, contact her at books@wivesoffaith.org.
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