Remember the “Cat in the Hat” movie that was remade several years ago? Had Mike Myers, Dakota Fanning, the boy Breslin…? There was a scene in the beginning of the movie where the little girl was making a to-do list for the day, and at the top of her list she wrote, “Make to-do list.” That little girl was me.

Every day, from the time I was about 10 years old, I have created lists for myself. They started small, simple and concise. Daily lists with a schedule. Weekly lists for assignments and chores. Monthly lists for birthdays and field trips. Yearly lists with goals and special occasions. They were a way to promise myself that as long as things went according to plan I would be okay. Occasionally, I would forget to include an event, so I’d pencil it in just so I could cross it off. When painful things happened, things that made me cry or get angry, I’d make a new list – Things I’ll Never Do, or People I’ll Never Talk to Again. And they’d get crumbled up and shoved to the bottom of a wastebasket, similar to the way they were shoved to the back of my heart.

As I grew older the lists remained somewhat true to their small beginnings, but came to include such things as oil change, college registration, rent. My wedding day list only had about two weeks to mature and was rather simple: dress, flowers, park, cake, Eric. As sweet as that sounds, it was a rather selfish list. Life was not going according to plan and I was building a wall. That list was the foundation.

Several months into my marriage, having completed the Honeymoon list, and the New Apartment list, and the New Job list, I discovered a weak spot in my husband. A very human weakness that was not on my Perfect Husband list. Anywhere. Not even on the back. Needless to say, I crumbled. How on earth could God send me a man that did not meet all of my requirements? Yes, unfortunately Perfection was at the top of that list. I coped the only way I knew how – I made a new list. This one was filled with ways that I was going to keep myself from letting my husband be human. See the  vicious cycle that was forming?

One day I woke up and couldn’t find my list! I just about fell apart. How on earth was I going to know what to do that day? Instead of rewriting a new list, I scrambled all morning around the kids and dishes and laundry trying to find THAT list. What was I going to do?

My world shook that day, when my eyes were opened to the kind of situation I was in. I felt God showing me the kind of fear I was living with – fear of being out of control, fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt – things my lists didn’t really protect me from anyway.

Although I read my Bible, prayed and went to church, I had forgotten that God also has a list. His never changes, no matter what the day or month or year is.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

It’s taken years to change my mindset, and every day is a fresh lesson for me in letting God have the reins of my life. Do I still have my lists? Of course I do – God made me a type A, list-making kind of person. The difference is, we make them together, God and I. He knows me so much better than I know myself, and when it comes to other people, He’s got me beat – hands down!

What do I see now when I look at my life, and even my lists? I see a woman who is learning to live in the freedom that comes when God is truly in control. I see the little girl in me learning to play and enjoy life, better late than never! I see a (mostly) rested mother and wife, who is learning how to navigate those unexpected spills with grace and humor. I see peace.

Have I arrived? Not at all! I am moving forward a little bit every day, and I am sure that this is a process that will follow me right to the gates of heaven. I surrender my lists and my life every day, into the most capable Hands.

There is another promise that God shares through David,

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

Somehow, that sounds better than anything I could put in a list.

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