Here in Canada, a new TV show has come out about the war in Afghanistan. Taking a cue from M*A*S*H, it tells the story of a military hospital in the Kandahar Airfield.

I’m not going to argue whether or not the show is realistic, or if it does any justice to the image of the Canadian military. Regardless of its quality, the thing is, I don’t want to watch it.

Now, I’ve never been to Kandahar. I’ve never fought in a war or had my life in danger. Yet I still find myself experiencing emotionally painful responses when it comes to viewing things that have to do with the war in Afghanistan.

As soon as I invest any time, whether it’s a news article, a movie or a TV show, I find myself feeling the familiar anxiety in my chest, knot in my stomach and over-all feeling of unease. It is, in fact, the same feeling I have through most of my husband’s deployments. Even though it’s been 3 years since he’s been home, it comes right back, like it never left.

Why? Honestly, that’s the subject of this blog which has so far been the hardest one I’ve written. Because it’s not something I like to admit.

Spouses at home can feel the emotional after-effects of a deployment.

We hear a lot about soldier’s struggles on return. We know that we can’t expect them to be the same. That there will be lasting changes. From the normal reintegration struggles to PTSD, invisible battle scars are something we hear about, are taught to look for in our spouses and learn to accept as a possible consequence of war just like a physical wounds.
Where does that leave us? Are we expecting ourselves to instantly feel ‘back to normal’ the moment his boots hit the ground at home? After months and months of living with lingering fear of his safety, of jumping every time you hear the news, of worry and anxiety and sleepless nights, can we just drop it all and go back to the way things were instantly?

I thought I could.

I thought I did.

The reality, though, is that I have changed too. And not just that I am more independent than I was before that first tour, or that I am stronger or more reliant on God. I am all those things.

I am also more anxious. While after years of living this life I can handle his short absences with ease, they have caused me the occasional completely-unnecessary fear for his safety. Remembrance Day turns my normally non-crier personality into a blubbery mess for weeks leading up to it.

Hardest to admit is that seeing families or reading stories of injured soldiers or those killed in action can make me feel a terrible, sometimes almost immobilizing guilt that we have seen the other side safely while they have had to endure so much.

I think it’s safe to say that my soldier is not the only one who was emotionally affected by his deployments.

So what’s my lesson in this?

• Admission that I am not perfect. It’s easy to hold the image of the un-phased military spouse. But that’s not reality and I am not her. Anyone who thinks I am has never seen my day 3 of absence meltdown or my military induced hissy-fits.

• Recognizing I have limits, and that’s okay. I don’t have to watch every movie or TV show about Afghanistan. There can be enough reality in my life without it taking over my entertainment time.

• Acceptance that God taught me a lot but I still have much more to learn. Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” These things could break you, but they don’t have to. Every moment has a chance to be a lesson.

So here I am, on the other side of my blog and my admission that I’m not always “okay.” It’s not so bad. My prayer is that it will reach the woman out there who is struggling thinking she’s alone in it all.

You are not alone. And you don’t always have to be okay. We’re allowed to need time to adjust too. And if your fear, anxiety or hurts are enough that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, help is there. Please speak up.

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Kim is a child of God who believes in Grace and is grateful that His mercies are new every morning. I am a 30 year old wife of a soldier in the Canadian Army. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 amazing kids. We have survived 3 deployments to Afghanistan as well as numerous other training and domestic operations. While I went to school to be a Social Worker, right now attempting to mother my children is my full time job. www.kimberleymills.blogspot.com

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