I’ll admit it. Since my husband deployed in 2007, the 4th of July has never quite been the same for me. That year was very hard and that particular holiday just happened to fall in the very middle of our deployment. I was tired and I wasn’t sure I could keep going. It was a turning point for me, though, because God taught me a valuable lesson through that hard day: MY strength wasn’t the point. God’s strength was.
Still, even two years later, I find myself more sober than celebratory when it comes to the 4th. Maybe because I remember the emotions from that day. Maybe because I know there are still other husbands who haven’t come home yet and other wives who are like I was, waiting and wondering if they can keep going.
As the wife of a reservist, I didn’t fully understand the meaning of my husband’s service until he was on the other side of the world. I didn’t fully appreciate (or comprehend) all that our service members do for us until I got to see it for myself, spending time on board an aircraft carrier and later in Baghdad, interviewing and writing stories of sailors and soldiers and the things God was teaching them as they served in a war (for the book A Greater Freedom).
But now I get it. And now I understand it. And I am grateful and thankful for my husband’s service to our country. I’m grateful for my brother who’s an Army officer in a unit currently deployed to Iraq and who will spend the last couple of days of his R&R watching people shoot off fireworks, oblivious to what he knows he’s going back to as he finishes out his tour over there. I’m thankful for all of the men and women who serve, sacrificing much for others who may not ever even realize the full impact of their choice to serve. There is a price, and people pay it everyday so that others may be free.
Read what one military wife wrote in an op-ed to a newspaper a few years ago:
What the 4th of July Means to Me
I would like to share a recent experience with your readers. This experience stems from one day in my life which impacts many others.
The day was a much needed one for me to go shopping….or so I thought. While on a recent trip to our local Wal-Mart, I was totally stunned by what I encountered! While there, I was hoping to pick up some decorations to start planning for my husband’s homecoming from Iraq. Even though he will not be home for three months, the anticipation is running high, and it makes me feel good to know the time is coming soon.
While looking over some flags and banners, I overheard a conversation between a group of middle-aged women, which totally shocked me. They were talking about how sick and tired they were of seeing all the stuff in stores that references supporting our troops. They wished that the TV and the newspapers would just stop talking about this war. They were so sick of hearing it and expressed discontent on how much money is wasted on support things as is wasted on the war. They do not believe that it is doing any good to have anyone there, and really how hard it would be to have a “year off” from your husband…with laughs that followed.
What they did not know was that a military wife was standing among them and was totally disgusted because they have no idea the sacrifice that we, as wives and husbands make for our spouses….The Soldier.
Please allow me to fill these woman and all that agree with them,in on what it is like to be a military wife, or husband as applicable…. My husband is a Soldier in the Vermont National Guard. He, along with his unit, was called to duty to fight a war that so many have mixed feelings about. This is a war that some say is nonsense, while others say it is making a difference.
Personally, I don’t know what to think of it all. What I do know is that many other wives and I were left behind at home, while our husbands were taken from us to go and fight and defend our country. Many were left home with young children to carry on our “everyday” lives and sustain the routine that was normally a shared responsibility.
I have to wonder if others actually know just how tough it is to do that job and what a daily ritual entails. It is not easy to watch your spouse walk away into the unknown, while you shed tears. You have to watch your children cry as you try to muster the internal strength to console them. Meanwhile, you wonder day in and day out if your spouse is okay. There is a constant anxiety of always waiting for that special call that says, “I Love you and miss you.” You try so hard to avoid the TV, newspapers, and other media outlets that dutifully carry the worst in the news. However, no matter how hard you try to avoid those things; it is like you are drawn to them, so that you can stay caught up on it all.
There are calendars posted all over the house enabling you to mark the days off. Every day is a day closer, and when a whole month goes by… it is almost like a celebration. It is such an accomplishment! There is always so much to do…the house needs cleaning, the kids have games and school, doctors appointments and wants, the yard work is behind, the bills are calling you, and it goes on and on. You are left wondering, “How can I do this alone?”
You constantly feel the envy when you see a man and a woman walking hand in hand anywhere. It can actually bring tears to your eyes and a wanting ache to your heart to see them. You would do anything to be able to hold your spouse’s hand right now. The bed is so empty and cold at night and you are awakened to their pillow staring at you. You think back to when you sat on the couch with them and just reached over to give them a kiss. You now think “wow”, something so simple is now my biggest wish. You know in your heart that your spouse is doing the right thing, but you want to be selfish and say, “Let someone else do it and let my soldier come home.”
Please don’t get me wrong, I am so proud and honored to say that I am a military wife and that my husband is an American soldier; it is just a long tough road to travel. Now that my husband is deployed, I find that I have so much more feeling when I see the American Flag or hear the National Anthem sung. I go to a parade now and clap ‘til my hands hurt as the soldiers walk by me. I watch with such pride as my children do the same. I cry when a song comes on about the war or a soldier. I wear pins on my coat and magnets on my car that reference supporting our troops. A simple yellow ribbon is like gold to me.
I notice everything to do with the war. When I see a man in uniform, my heart skips a beat, as I long for my husband. I yearn just to be able to wash and press that uniform again for him. My heart breaks for the soldier who is taken from this world even though I know nothing of him or his family.
This war has changed our soldiers so much…but it has also changed us spouses here at home too. We have learned to live alone and become very strong independent people who stand 100 percent behind our soldiers. We have learned that there are things that they will not or can not share with us. We have learned that their moods are as different as day and night and that we just have to go along with it. We have learned that these soldiers that we vowed to love forever are now soldiers who are heroes in this world!
Through conversation, I know that most of us feel the same way. There is the old adage, “in time it gets easier” and honestly dealing with it does a bit, but the missing and loneliness never gets easier. The fear of never seeing them again is always there. No matter how positive we try to stay, that fear is so real. I make sure to tell my husband everyday that I love him, either in an email or an instant message…or just in my own mind. I do my best to not let him see or sense my tears. In my unit’s case, our spouses have been gone from our families for a year and we still have months before they are home again. Just imagine not being held by your husband/wife for that long.
I heard one of the aforementioned ladies joke about having a “year off” without her husband and expressing, “How hard could that be?” Well, allow me to be the one to say to you that it is a lot harder than you will ever know.
Imagine how much our children will change before they see daddy again. I have seen and become close with brand new wives who said, “I do”, in the church and then watched their new husband walk away; leaving them to face the honeymoon stage of marriage apart. I have watched as first time parents have had a baby and the father had towatch on a computer screen and listen through speakers to his daughter’s first cries.
Children go to school and complete a whole year that one parent will never be a part of. There are holidays and birthdays with no daddy or mommy. There is the fear in their eyes when they hear bad news from Iraq, while you, as the sole parent, have to be the strong one. You have to tell them all is okay and will remain so.
The day my husband and his unit comes home will be one of the happiest days of our lives. We will know that the one I love, my partner, my life, my husband, is home and safe. There is the security to know that “daddy” is here now when the kids call out for him.
So to all out there who think that it so easy to be a military family think about what I said and how you would feel to be made to live that life. There is no amount of money that is wasted on supporting those who defend your country. Yes, it is our choice to be part of the military, but we do so with pride so that others can have their freedom.
In closing to you all, I say this….”Sleep well tonight and be thankful for what the American soldier does for you and your family. Always think before you speak, as there could be one among you. On this Fourth of July holiday, between the barbecues and the fireworks…please think of the military family…and the soldiers.”
As a military spouse, I’m sure you can relate to that woman’s letter. Freedom isn’t free, and yet as military families, we often feel like we’re the only ones who know it. But we have to be reminded that we are not by ourselves when it comes to making sacrifices for others.
Our greatest example of this, of course, is what Jesus did for us. He paid the ultimate sacrifice to set all of us free; leaving His home in Heaven to live among us, to teach us what He needed us to know, to be the example we all strive, and often fail, to be. And then He died on a cross so He could come back to life, ensuring in that greatest act of sacrifice and heroism, that we would have the opportunity to always be free. He paid the price because He knew it was worth the cost.
This weekend, if you are struggling with missing your spouse, if you are feeling overwhelmed and tired and worn out, I want to remind you that you are not alone. And you are not supposed to do it all by yourself. I promise, God is stronger than you will ever be, and it is His strength that you can rely on when you don’t know what else to do. Let me close by sharing a few verses with you. Look these up and prayerfully read them out loud. I firmly believe that God loves the military family; He loves the military spouse and He has not forgotten you!
2 Cor. 1:11 (The Message) – “It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.”
2 Cor. 12:7-10 (The Message) – “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”
Prov. 14:34 – “God-devotion makes a country strong; God-avoidance leaves people weak.”
Romans 10:11-13 “Scripture reassures us, “No one who trusts God like this—heart and soul—will ever regret it.” It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be: the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. “Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help.”
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As a military spouse and USAF veteran, I’ve had the privilege of serving my country while wearing the uniform, and while serving those who serve. The military spouse experience is unique because we have many opportunities to travel and live all over the world. In mine and my family’s various assignments to cool places like Europe and Asia, I have discovered America is a pretty special place to call home. We are known as the land of opportunity, wealth, and possibility. Where else can teenagers form a company with a few hundred dollars and later sell it for a few million? I have often wondered about people like this and why some are so enterprising and some are not. After all, if you live in the USA, we are all governed by the same constitution, the same laws, and are endowed with the same rights. Why is it some people seem to be born to create, to prosper, to fulfill destiny, but others trudge along in life as if playing a role in “The Matrix”?
