This week we are talking a little bit more about love, this week is about affection. In this chapter, Stormie Omartian basically relates a story about a husband and a wife who who had a problem with affection, who prayed about it, and who saw changes. Although this chapter is short, I hope this story will help you in this area in your marriage.

“Tom and Patti had been married a number of years before she actually had a serious talk with him about his lack of affection. Tom was a wonderful husband in every other way and their sexual relationship was good, but apart from the sexual act there was no affection. It wasn’t because Tom didn’t love Patti- he adored her. It was because affection was something he grew up without as a child. Patti felt guilty about the way she was feeling and didn’t want to criticize or hurt Tom, but she had not known affection as a child, either, and that’s why she needed it so in her marriage. Each time Patti confronted Tom about this problem he would try to change, but soon things were back to the way they had been. This led to great frustration and hurt in both of them. Eventually Patti became hopeless and felt like she was dying inside. She didn’t see how she could live the rest of her life without affection, but she saw no hope of Tom’s ever being any different.”

“Finally Patti’s misery forced her to take the problem to her prayer partners. They diligently covered it in prayer every week and as they prayed, God worked on Patti. He spoke to her about obeying Him in the area of eating right and getting proper exercise-an area where she had always been in rebellion. When she totally submitted to God regarding this and started doing the things He has been telling her to do, she began to feel better about herself and realized that she deserved to be treated affectionately by her husband. She didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting affection because the Lord wanted that for her, too. Soon she felt the leading of God to confront Tom about it again. This time it would be different because she was now led by the Holy Spirit, and she and her prayer partners had been praying for a miraculous transformation in Tom.”

“‘It took courage for me to even speak of this again,’ she told me. ‘I was so afraid it could lead to divorce because we were both hurt and saw no hope in each other. But God gave me the ability to speak in love the words needed to be said, and this time the conversation brought immediate breakthrough.’”

“‘The turning point came,’ Tom recalled, ‘when Patti said to me, ‘Honey, how can someone as wonderful as you with all your attributes, someone I love and trust so much, not be able to be affectionate?’”

“‘Because I said words that affirmed him,’ Patti explained further, ‘it gave him hope that it was worth trying again.’”

“Tom proceeded differently this time. He took the problem to his own prayer group of men, who instantly rallied around him. They decided not only to support him daily in prayer, but also to keep him accountable to show some form of affection to Patti each day.”

“‘This was something I welcomed, because I wanted to change,’ Tom said. “I love Patti and hated that I was hurting her. I wanted to be different and I knew that true transformation can only happen by the power of the Holy Spirit.’”

“Every day for a number of weeks, one of the men from the group called Tom and said, ‘What have you done to show affection to Patti today?’ They also suggested ways to show affection and affirm her. They told Tom to check in regularly with Patti and say, ‘How am I doing?’ For someone whose heart has not been prepared by the Holy Spirit, this could have been extremely annoying. But because Tom welcomed the Lord’s working in him, it brought no burden.

“‘Now the first thing he does when he comes home is give me a hug and a kiss,’ Patti said with a radiant smile. “‘I felt like a new person after five hugs.’”

What did you think of the story about this couple? I think a lot of women need affection to feel close to their husbands. In fact we were just talking about that in my newlywed couples Sunday School class on Sunday! Sex is not always enough, we need to hold hands, kiss, hug, and whatever else to help us love, cherish, and feel close to our husbands. But this story is such a great example because this woman decided to so something about it. She took it to the Lord in prayer and followed His direction. The Lord honored that and in turn, changed her marriage.

“Many people, even godly  men and women, live in marriages that are dead because there is no affection. And women endure it because their husbands are good in other ways, or they don’t feel worthy enough to ask for affection. But this is not the way God designed the marital relationship.”

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” -I Corinthians 7:3, KJV

“…a time to embrace…” -Ecclesiastes 3:5

“Affection isn’t  at the top of a man’s priority list because men often see sex and affection as being the same. A woman’s greatest need is for affection. If you are in a marriage that lacks it, pray for the Holy Spirit’s transformation.”

Prayer:

“Lord, I pray for open physical affection between my husband and me. Enable each of us to lay aside self-consciousness or apathy and be effusive in our display of love. Help us to demonstrate how much we care for and value each other. Remind us throughout each day to affectionately touch one another in some way. Help us not to be cold, undemonstrative, uninterested, or remote. Enable us to be warm, tender, compassionate, loving, and adoring. Break through any hardheadedness on our part that refuses to change and grow. If one of us is less affectionate to the other’s detriment, bring us into balance.”

“Where lack of affection has planted a negative view of marriage in our children, or taught them an incorrect way of relating to a marriage partner, help us model the right way so that they can observe it. Show us how to openly confess our errors to them and demonstrate our commitment to live differently.”

“Change our habits of indifference or busyness. May we not so take each other for granted that we don’t make the effort to reach out and touch one another with affection. Help us not to weaken the marriage through neglect of this vital means of communication. I pray that we always ‘greet one another with a kiss of love’ (I Peter 5:14). I know that only the transforming power of the Holy Spirit can make changes last. I trust You to transform us and make us the husband and wife You called us to be.”

Power Tools:

-Philippians 2:1,2

-Ephesians 5: 28.29

-Philippians 2:4

-Song of Solomon 2:6

-I Corinthians 10:24

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This week as you continue to pray for your husband for five minutes a day, pray for your husband’s affection. Pray for your own as well. Even if your marriage is great in this area right now, pray that it will always be that way, and that God will keep you both on this path. Pray the prayer above as well.

Questions:

1. Did you pray for at least five minutes for your husband this past week?

2. Did you pray for his sexuality?

3. What is something you did this past week to look extra nice for your husband?

This is our last Bible study session for 2010. We’ll pick back up in January after taking a break for the holidays. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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In this chapter we come to the part about our husbands that is important but also something we may not like to talk about at times. But this is one of the important parts of marriage and I think Stormie Omartian does a great job covering this topic in her book. I will not be saying much on this topic personally as I feel this is between you and your husband and each family is different. I will, however, lay out for you what is in the book, and hope that God leads you to pray for your husband in this area where needed.

“After twenty years of praying with women about their failing, struggling, unfulfilling, or dead marriages, I’ve observed that frequently the sexual relationship is a low priority in their minds. It isn’t that the wife cares noting about that part of her life. It’s that there are so many other things screaming for her attention, such as raising children, work, finances, managing a home, emotional stress, exhaustion, sickness, and marital strife. In the wife’s juggling of priorities, sex can end up on the bottom of her list. Some women allow week after week, month after month, six months, a year, or even more to go by without having sexual relations with their husband. When disaster hits, they are surprised. Even though the wife may have feel fine about this arrangement, her husband was being neglected in an important part of his being.”

I am pretty sure every wife feels this way at one time or the other. But understanding your husband’s needs can help.

“For a wife, sex comes out of affection. She doesn’t want to be affectionate with a man who makes her feel angry, hurt, lonely, disappointed, overworked, unsupported, uncared for, or abandoned. But for a husband, sex is pure need. His eyes, ears, brain, and emotions get clouded if he doesn’t have that release. He has trouble hearing anything his wife says or seeing what she needs when that area of his ibeing is neglected. Wives sometimes have it backwards. They think, We can have sex after we get these other issues settled. But actually there is a far greater chance of settling the other issues if sex comes first.”

“Sexual problems are quite common because many women don’t have a clear grasp of what God’s view is on the subject. But the Bible is crystal clear.”

“The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” -I Corinthians 7:4,5

“If your husband desires sex more frequently and you are the one keeping it from happening, pray for God to help you change your ways. I’ve found that the most difficult time to deal with the issue of sex is when the children are small and can’t do much for themselves. By the time you get the in bed, you are exhausted and ready to drop. You’re thinking about getting to sleep as soon as possible, while your husband has been making other plans for you. Your options are to totally shut him down and say, ‘Forget about it. I’m tired,’ or communicate how exhausted you are and hope he’ll say, ‘No problem. You get some rest,’ or proceed with a bad attitude and make him feel guilty or angry. But I’ve found a fourth option which works much better. Try this and see if it doesn’t work for you.”

“When your husband communicates to you what he has in mind, as only a husband can do, don’t roll your eyes, and sigh deeply. Instead say, ‘Okay give me fifteen minutes.’ (Or ten or twenty, or whatever you need.) During that time, do something to make yourself feel attractive. For example, take a shower or a relaxing bath. Put on scented body lotion or his favorite perfume. (Have perfume you wear only for those times alone with him.) Comb your hair. Wash your face and prepare it with products that make your skin look dewy and fresh. Put on lip gloss and blush. Slip into lingerie you know he finds irresistible. Don’t worry about your imperfections he’s not thinking about them. While you’re doing this, pray for God to give you renewed energy, strength, vitality, and a good attitude. You’ll be surprised at how much better a sex partner you are when you feel good about yourself. He’ll be happier and you’ll both sleep better. This is a small investment of time to see great rewards in your marriage.”

“Bad things develop when the sexual part of marriage is neglected. Don’t let that happen to you. Keep an eye on the calendar and refuse to allow much time to go by without coming together physically. If it has been too long, ask God to show you why and help you remedy the situation. Prayer is where it starts Don’t jeopardize or forfeit what God has for your marriage by neglecting to pray for this vital area of your life.”

Prayer:

“Lord, bless my husband’s sexuality and make it an area of great fulfillment for him. Restore what need to be restored, balance what needs to be balanced. Protect us from apathy, disappointment, criticism, busyness, unforgiveness, deadness, or disinterest. I pray that we make time for one another, communicate our true feelings openly, and remain sensitive to what each other needs.”

“Keep us sexually pure in mind and body, and close the door to anything lustful or illicit that seeks to encroach upon us. Deliver us from the bondage of past mistakes. Remove from our midst the effects of any sexual experience-in thought or deed-that happened outside our relationship. Take away anyone or anything from our lives that would inspire temptation or infidelity. Help us to ‘abstain from sexual immorality’ so that each of us will know ‘how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor’ (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). I pray that we will desire each other and no one else. Show me how to make myself attractive and desirable to him and be the kind of partner he needs. I pray that neither of us will ever be temped to think about seeking fulfillment elsewhere.”

“I realize that an important par of my ministry to my husband is sexual. Help me to never use it as a weapon or a means of manipulation by giving and withholding it for selfish reasons. I commit this area of our lives to You, Lord. May it be continually new and alive. Make it all that You created it to be.”

Power Tools:

-I Corinthians 6:18-20

-I Corinthians 6:13

-Proverbs 5:15-19

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This week as you continue to pray for your husband for 5 minutes a day, pray for his finances. Look up the verses under “power tools” and use those to help you when you pray.

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