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Archive for military marriages

When Marriage Hurts

Posted by Sara on Thursday, January 19th, 2012 in Marriage | Comments (9)

Editor’s note: We at Wives of Faith believe strongly in marriage and in strengthening military marriages. Kori Yates is our MarriageCare director, and I can tell you after our leadership team meeting the other night, encouraging and strengthening military marriages is her passion. We will be hearing more from her in upcoming weeks; until then, please enjoy this post from Sara Horn, originally published 23 June 2009, republishing 19 Jan 2012. ~Pattie~

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I watched the episode last night of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (along with the millions of other train wreck observers) and was extremely sad to see their announcement that they’ve separated. Even though word had leaked out that they’d filed for divorce earlier in the day, still, a big part of me wanted to see the news proved wrong. Unfortunately it wasn’t.

Right before I went to sleep last night I posted on my Facebook page: “Jon and Kate keep saying they were putting their kids first. Maybe that was the problem! Your spouse has to be a priority. Make your marriage a priority!”

I didn’t know that when I woke up this morning I’d have 15 comments! Obviously, this couple has touched a sensitive spot with many, and hopefully have made many look in the mirror at their own marriages and examine their own challenges more closely.

The struggles and challenges Jon and Kate have faced aren’t any different than the trials that millions of other couples have had to deal with – the only difference is, like their larger-than-the-norm family, so has the size of public scrutiny been for them.

I suspect that on a much smaller level, there are military couples who know exactly what this couple is going through – word travels fast on a base or post when a marriage is in trouble and we saw a sad example of it just this week on Army Wives. Denise faced the scrutiny and the judgement of her friends and the people around her after making a series of bad choices and her husband was ordered to go home to “deal with his domestic issues.”

Of course, we can’t know what any couple is dealing with unless we have been where they are. Many are quick to either condemn or say “don’t judge” but I think both of these are extremes. Condemning certainly doesn’t show love but “not judging’ often is code for “it’s none of our business” and I’ve seen way too many marriages in the church “not judged” and not helped either. There was a couple in our old Sunday School class many years ago who suddenly stopped coming. No one really paid attention (or followed up with them) and many months later someone said this couple had separated and gotten divorced. Too many couples fall through the cracks like that. Sometimes it takes more than prayer; it takes a friend letting that couple know you care about them and their marriage.

Marriage is fragile

Jon and Kate’s situation has only reminded me all the more how fragile marriage is, and I hurt especially for the military marriages I hear about that are falling apart. Since starting Wives of Faith, there have been several wives who’ve come to me with struggling marriages. Not all of them have been saved. Ladies, we have to fight for our relationships! And we can’t give up!

Marriage is hard, especially when children enter the picture. My son means the world to me but so does my husband and I made a commitment to him before I was ever a mom. Make your marriage a priority. Whether it’s your first, second or third! If you’ve failed before, it doesn’t mean you have to fail again. You may have to work really hard to put your marriage first, especially if your husband is gone a lot. But it’s crucial to take time out for each other and focus on your marriage. Because when you’re on the same page with your marriage, the challenges that come with being a parent can seem a little less large.

As a wife, be careful not to take everything over and use the excuse because your husband isn’t there. You can still involve him in choices and decisions (I still remember trying to show my husband color samples of siding over web cam LOL), and letting your kids know that their dad’s input is still important.

I can’t imagine being in Jon and Kate’s shoes, having to deal with a struggling marriage with a million voices weighing in on their decisions. As several have said, though, prayer still works and God still heals marriages. I know He can heal theirs, just as I’ve seen Him heal others.

If your marriage is just fine right now, than that’s wonderful! But take the time to protect it. Don’t take your husband for granted and make it a point to value him the way you want him to value you. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Realize that marriage is not always smooth sailing; you will have ups and downs, and some are bigger hills than you may have ever expected! But it’s only after you get over those hills and you look back at what you’ve been through and seen how God has carried both of you that you realize God knew what He was doing when He put the two of you together.

I know many of you reading this may be struggling with problems too big for you to handle by yourself – PTSD, out of control financial problems, infidelity. Let me encourage you to seek help; talk to a pastor you trust or contact Military OneSource. As a military spouse, you are eligible to receive free counseling and Military OneSource can connect you to a counselor in your town and you can receive up to 12 sessions free per topic. Also, if you need prayer for your marriage, let us know (info @ wivesoffaith.org). We have several ladies who are prayer warriors and will be glad to pray for your need. I’ve seen marriages healed when ladies joined together to pray. God still works miracles!

Marriage can hurt, but God can heal.

Proverbs 31:10 – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”

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Phishing Begins with P

Posted by Stephanie Arredondo on Monday, November 1st, 2010 in Money | Comments (0)

Phishing occurs – so how do we deal with it?

By Stephanie Arredondo, Board Treasurer

Imagine an insurance agent’s phone call to you pertaining to an online insurance inquiry that you nor your spouse never made.  It’s happening more and more with the ease of access to basic information.  This is the beginning stage of identity theft and is called phishing.

If you read in Ephesians 6:10-18 about The Armor of God, it’s impossible to not realize the spiritual warfare we endure when it comes to marriage and money.

The enemy loves to work through things and people.  In our modern era of being a military wife, we deal with handling the household finances especially when our spouse deploys.  We work on budgets.  We shop for groceries and clothes.  We save for our retirement.  We aspire to send our children to college.  We pay for our basic needs all while our husband is serving our country.  Then, a phone call changes your world with the realization that your identity or your spouse’s identity has been stolen.  You are lost about what to do.  In the mail is a past due notice bill for an account that you and your spouse never opened.  This can open up a whole new experience for the service member.

Identity theft is much more prevalent than in years past.  Phishing is easily done with minimal information.

For military members, the Federal Trade Commission has dedicated a section of its web site page to protect active duty service members, their spouses and family:  http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/idtheft/idt02.shtm

Military One Source offers extensive financial material online, but it is best to call them for an appointment with a financial counselor at 1-800-342-9647.  http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/MilitaryOneSourceFinancialServices.aspx Here you will find valuable information about how to proceed.

Below are some pointers for military marriages to consider when it comes to your and your spouse’s finances.

  • Do check both of your credit reports.  This is easily done through the three credit reporting agencies (and yes, I would check all three as it is free).  If there are any false statements on your report, you and/or your spouse must address these immediately by submitting it in writing and sending it certified/return receipt.  File an identity theft report with the Federal Trade Commission as well as with other relevant authorities.
  • Pray about this situation so that you and your spouse may overcome its trials.  For some, identity theft can hinder your future financial plans in ways you never anticipated.  For some whose stolen identity is so severe, it’s taken five years, $15,000+ in legal fees and no resolution to this warfare.  It is during this financial time of hardship that the power of prayer is one of the last weapons of armor that can aid you both in your resolution of this situation.
  • To protect your spouse and yourself, it is wise to not disclose anyone’s social security card, military id, nor any financial accounts or credit card information unless it is to a known and reputable source.
  • All passwords and personal information should be protected.
  • Do not answer any online solicitations via e-mail nor provide personal information to these pop-up ads.
  • All mail should be collected the day it is delivered or have your mail stopped by filling out a yellow form at the US Postal service.
  • There is a way to post an active duty alert on your spouse’s credit report, and it is good for up to one year.   This is important to do when your spouse is on deployment.  The credit card companies like USAA do monitor unusual activity for your credit card, so if you travel to another part of the country or internationally, it is important to check with them about your foreseen financial spending with that credit card.
  • Shred all unwanted credit card solicitations or anything with your names so that this will prevent dumpster diving.
  • Finally, when you are out in public, please watch your wallet, passport, and other identification so that it is not stolen the old-fashioned way.

As in Proverbs 31:27, “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” gives us a call to take up our armor and allow God to flow through us so that we may defend ourselves from financial challenges such as phishing that all marriages want to avoid.

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It all starts with you

Posted by Shauna Irizarry on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 in Faith | Comments (0)

The Rutherford County TN WoF group just started a study on The Power of a Praying Wife.  I felt this was such an important step for us military wives to take.  After all, marriage is hard enough but then you throw in the deployments and moves and all the other great stuff that encompasses the military life.  We love it, but…

The Power of a Praying Wife takes us to the core in the first month as we begin praying for ourselves.  Yes, you heard right…to pray for the husband you must first pray for the wife.  Not a feel good prayer either, I might add.  But a down and dirty prayer.  One where you ask God to reveal all the yucky stuff in yourself that prevents you from praying effectively for your husband.  Are you holding in any feelings of unforgiveness, resentment, disappointment, or maybe just a bad attitude?  We need a clean heart to come before God in prayer.   Psalm 66:18 says ” If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear.”  Isaiah 59:2, “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you so that He will not hear.”    I have to say that this is tough to accept, because I feel sure that most of us at some time have prayed “change him, change his mind, change his choice”, you get the picture.  However, usually the changes MUST begin within ourself.

I want to close with the following prayer, it comes right from the book, The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  If you right now, are being spoken to by this article, then please join me in repeating this prayer:

“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man.  I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him.  Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You.  Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him.  Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it.  Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance.  Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness.  Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.  If there is something I’m not seeing that is adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it.  Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication.  Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen.  As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it is justified, I want to do what You want.  I release all those feelings to You.  Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”

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Love is a Verb

Posted by Rachel Latham on Friday, October 9th, 2009 in Marriage | Comments (0)

Another day, another in the seemingly endless days of deployment. The days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months. My youngest son simply prays that Daddy will be home safely and by his birthday.  And I am at home wondering how to show my love to my husband. It is hard, after months of separation, to show my love in a satisfying way. Deployment is hard that way.

God’s Word tells me in Proverbs 31:11 “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” I want to be that kind of wife. I want my husband’s heart to be held safely by me while he is many time zones away, in a completely different type of environment. I don’t want him to ever doubt my love for him, even if he can’t see it closely each day.

Believing this, and finding a purposeful way to express it are two different things. During this deployment God has taught me a great deal about keeping right priorities, and my first priority after God is my husband. So, how do I demonstrate that?

1. Prayer- I pray for my husband every day, for his safety, and for our marriage. Praying keeps my mind focused on him in a special way. I occasionally tell him that I have been praying and ask if there is anything special he would like me to pray about. Sometimes there is something different, sometimes not.

2. Connection- I have a general idea of his routine (though it changes), so I make it a point to have the computer turned on and skype available. It may be the middle of my day my time, and may be rush hour, but it’s the end of a long day for him. It’s time for him to unwind. I’d rather chat with him and stay connected than have him mindlessly surfing the web because there is nothing for him to do. I want to be that something.

3. Confidence- The deployment grapevine is strong, and even if that wasn’t the case, I always try to avoid any instance where anything can be misconstrued as improper. I do not spend any time at all with male friends.  Frankly, the only men I am friends with are the husbands of my girlfriends. In all things I never want my husband to think there could ever be anything improper going on. Being apart can make us all feel vulnerable, so it is especially important to keep things strong. This also applies to online friendships. The only men that are friends on my facebook page are also on my husband’s page and they are friends to us both.

4. Resourceful- I am convinced that little deployment gremlins come out when husbands leave and set about to destroy major appliances and vehicles. I have had more flat tires and broken appliances than seems possible. In light of that though, it seems even more important to handle our finances responsibly. I am careful and resourceful with our funds, and try to save whenever I can. Despite everything seeming to break, my husband and I discuss money and try to stay focused on the same goals.

Making the efforts needed to show your love, and to strengthen your husband by letting him know he can trust you, is not always easy. It is much easier to let each day slide into the next, and the next, just trying to make it through. And sometimes the idea of putting just one more thing on that overflowing plate seems impossible, but I urge you to keep the right priorities.   Nothing is wasted when you do things God’s way. And loving your husband through deployment is one of those things.

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Marriage under attack

Posted by Shannon on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 in Marriage | Comments (2)

For the last two years my marriage has been under attack. The hard part is. I didn’t realize it until last week.

Two years ago my husband changed jobs in the Army. We went from big Army to a special operations unit. With that comes a whole load of new trouble. We knew going in that it would be a change. We were willing to make that change. It all sounds good up front. Deployments are only 3-4 months, lots of specialized training, stuff that normally gets you excited. The part that didn’t register with me is deployments are only 3-4 months long but then you have to factor in all the TDY, training, and work ups that are done in their off time. In the last two years he has been gone more than he has been home.

During all of the frequent deployments and TDY trips I became angry. Angry that my husband gets to leave for any given period of time and I am stuck doing the same thing day in and day out. There isn’t much change in routine when you are a stay at home parent.. One of the boys struggles with A.D.D., so any change in schedule throws our son off. I didn’t see much hope for me. No sense of adventure was ever going to come my way. I got stuck in the “why me” part of military life.

I was easily annoyed with my husband. When he’d come home I’d look for a reason to be mad at him. With frequent separations it was easier to keep my husband at arms length then to let him back into my heart. What I didn’t recognize was that Satan was planting roots in my anger. He wanted me to stay mad at my husband.

I will never forget a conversation my husband and I were having about his frequent deployment/TDY schedule. During that conversation he said to me “I know you are mad at me. I’m okay with it. I know it’s hard to be the one that’s left all the time. It’s not easy being the one that leaves all the time either.  At some point I would like to have my happy, smiling wife back.” OUCH. That hurt. I got mad at my husband for that. I was completely happy being angry and miserable.

Off and on through the last two years I have struggled. I have struggled to let my husband back into my heart when he’d come home. I’d struggle with allowing him to parent the kids and then I struggled with always being the bad guy parent. I have felt like a caterpillar that was in a cocoon waiting to become a butterfly. I wasn’t sure how long I would have to fight my way out of this but I was getting tired of fighting through it.

It wasn’t until I listened to Sara host the Walking by Faith Bible study that I realized my marriage was under attack. Sara prayed for military marriages that are under attack. When she prayed that simple prayer it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Satan had been at work. I don’t like his work. He was helping me stay distant and angry with my husband. Satan didn’t want me to heal and move forward. He wanted me to claim my marriage. God is bigger than that. Even though I was angry and happy being miserable I would pray that God would help me heal and move forward. I longed for that connection with my husband. It’s the connection that isn’t describable by words, it just is.  But I wasn’t ready to let go of my anger. God helped me heal. I know he aligned things so I would hear Sara’s prayer that day.

No matter what we face in our marriage, God is bigger than it. Deuteronomy 31:8 says “ ‘The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’” God hasn’t allowed us to go into a dark place that He Himself isn’t present. He is holding our hand through it all.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned over that last couple of years is I have to forgive myself, heal and move forward. When there is a hurt I have to forgive just as God has forgiven me. Part of forgiveness is giving up the right to hate someone for hurting you.  God forgives us just as we are and moves on. He doesn’t store it up for ammunition later. We need to allow God to help us heal, forgive and more forward.

Our marriages are under attack daily. Hold fast to your marriage. Claim it for all that it is or it can be.

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