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The Growlery

Posted by Bettina Dowell on Tuesday, February 15th, 2011 in Devotionals | Comments (2)

It had been a challenging day and the voice from 3000 miles away made me smile. When my son asked, “So, how are you doing Mom?” I hedged, not wanting to be negative. He sensed my hesitation and asked what was wrong. “Nothing serious,” I replied, “just one of those days when I can’t seem to get anything moving forward in the right direction.” He said, “So, you’re in a bad mood. Maybe you need to go to your growlery.”

Having never read Dickens’ Bleak House, I must admit I had not a clue what my son was describing. He went on to tell me that a growlery (the term was originally coined by Dickens) is a place you go to be alone when you are in a bad mood. Now that was something I could relate to on many levels.

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind I’m describing, a day when you felt like the best thing you could do for everyone was to go back to bed. The difficulty is that military wife life often leaves little room for such a retreat. So what is a woman of faith to do?

This is probably the part of the article where you brace yourself for me to share with you five simple steps to vanquishing your bad mood into the blue. But what if we look at a different approach? What if you find a bathroom stall at work, a closet in your house or a quiet spot in your car and enter into your growlery? What if you took a few minutes to pour out the aches, pains and frustrations in your heart? Listen to what David said in the Psalms.

Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for our God is a refuge. Psalm 62:8

The difference for a woman of faith is we do not enter our growlery alone. Our heavenly Father goes with us. And here is our comfort and assurance. No matter how ugly, loud or vulgar the growling may become, He is big enough to hear it. And how do we know this? Because, before we even enter, He already knows us.

He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we’re made out of mud.

Psalm 103:14 (The Message)

So where does life find you today? Are you feeling in a bad mood, depressed or having the blues? How about entering your growlery and pouring out your heart to the One who knows you inside and out.

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Have You Hugged a Military Spouse Today?

Posted by Sara on Saturday, February 5th, 2011 in 8 Week Tour of Duty Online Study, Deployment | Comments (5)

This post originally was shared at A Woman Inspired last year in March of 2010. With our military families now closing in on 10 years of ongoing deployments, I thought I’d share this again. Let me encourage you to show it to your friends, your churches and your communities. This isn’t written to the military spouse, but to those who desire to support our service members and their families. Sometimes it’s hard to say it yourself. So let this article say it for you. Feel free to post it on your own blog or site, just be sure to include a link back to Wives of Faith. ~Sara

As the leader of a military wives faith-based support organization and a military wife myself, I’m often asked by women’s ministry leaders and churches what they can do to support military wives and their families. You might be unsure of how to minister to an older woman with cancer or a young mom with twins if you have never experienced those things yourself, and in the same way it can be hard to know what to do for a military wife if you’ve never walked in her shoes.

It’s easy to assume that if you don’t live near a major military installation that military wives don’t exist in your community. But there are more than a million military spouses in our Armed Forces today and military wives are everywhere – National Guard and Reserve families often live far away from where their respective bases are, and active wives make the choice to move home and live with family when their husbands are overseas. This gives you and your church some wonderful opportunities to make a difference for our military by supporting their families while they’re away.

Connect with a military wife

If you meet a military wife whose husband is away for deployment, make a point to check on her regularly and let her know you’re praying for her. Deployment is not an experience you “get used to.” It’s an emotional roller coaster from beginning to end and there are good days but there are hard days too.

With all the technology available today to connect with our loved ones, we can still go days and weeks and sometimes months without a phone call, an email or a letter. We can get lost in all that we’re responsible for and forget to make time for ourselves. Sleep can become an issue for a lot of women when they’re not used to sleeping alone and the quiet of the house at night gives them the first chance they’ve had all day to really think about their husbands being away. Exhaustion can make a hard situation even worse and fray our emotions completely.

One of the absolute best gifts I received during my husband’s first deployment was when my friend Allison, another military wife, sent me an email on behalf of her small group from church and asked me to make a list of things I needed help with around the house. She had asked me this a couple of times before and I’d always dodged the request, but when she sent an email in black and white, I relented and put together a list of little to big things I needed to get done, thinking I’d give enough options that the group would find a couple of things they would be willing to do. On a warm spring Saturday, eight to ten friends I’d never met came over to my house and took care of absolutely everything on my list. And at the end of the day, what touched me most wasn’t the honey-do chores they’d completed for me, though I was very grateful for their help; it was the fact that they’d reached out in a physical way and let me know I wasn’t alone.

Do something

One of the hardest things for a military wife to hear is “Let me know if I can do anything to help.” It’s very difficult to ask someone else for help, especially if you’re unsure of what that person is willing to do.

The best thing you can do to help a military wife is to put yourself in her shoes and like the Nike commercial said, just do it! Would you get tired of planning dinner and cooking for a year without a break? Give her a gift card to eat out or call her up and let her know you’re bringing dinner tonight. Would you have trouble knowing what to do with the car or the yard during the peak of summer? Rally the men in your small group to help change the oil or share yard duties. Would you be worn out if you were responsible for your kids 24/7 without another adult to give you a break occasionally? Offer to take the kids for an afternoon so she can do whatever she wants. Would it be hard for you to put Christmas lights up or other holiday decorations by yourself? Offer to do it for her.

If you offer to put a care package together for her husband, don’t forget to put a little package together for her – bubble bath, Starbucks cards, or a little book of Bible Promises are all little things that can make a world of difference for a military wife and give her encouragement and hope to keep going. And chocolate! Don’t forget the chocolate!

Be sensitive

As much as you want to be able to help and appear understanding to her needs, resist the temptation to compare your husband’s two-week business trip to her husband’s year-long deployment. Unless your husband is also trying to avoid mortars and IEDs (improvised explosive devices), it’s really not the same.

Avoid saying things like “I don’t know how you do it,” or “I can’t imagine being in your shoes.” Most of the time she doesn’t know how she does it either, but it’s the only choice she has – to do it or give up.

Encourage her. Tell her what a great job she’s doing and how her husband will be so proud to hear how well she’s doing holding down the fort at home. And then make sure he does hear how well she’s doing.

If a military wife is in your small group at church, make sure there are enough activities happening she can attend that aren’t strictly couples-oriented. Consider holding off on that Love and Respect marriage study and do another study that she’ll be able to feel included in. When you do have events such as Christmas parties or Super Bowl parties, make a point to call her and make sure she’s coming; there’s a greater chance she will if she knows someone will miss her if she doesn’t.

Support those who support our heroes
Military wives don’t want pity or to be felt sorry for, but they can use prayer, encouragement and all the emotional support they can get. Ask most service members what their greatest worry is when they’re deployed and they may surprise you when they say it’s not getting wounded or killed – it’s making sure their families are okay back home.

I believe God can use the hardest of times, like deployments, to grow us and stretch us and make us into the daughters He wants us to be. But we need others to come along side us in the journey.

Help to make sure that the spouse and family are well taken care of and you also help take care of the soldier. So feel free to pass those hugs out to military spouses today – they will thank you for it!

Sara Horn is the founder of Wives of Faith (www.wivesoffaith.org) and the author of GOD Strong: A Military Wife’s Spiritual Survival Guide and Tour of Duty: Preparing Our Hearts for Deployment, A Bible Study for Military Wives. She enjoys speaking to both women’s and military wives groups about God’s incredible strength. Email her at sara@sarahorn.com.

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Interview with Angie Smith

Posted by Pattie on Wednesday, November 10th, 2010 in Resources | Comments (3)

I am pleased and honored to welcome our special guest today: Angie Smith. Angie’s husband Todd is a professional musician with the Christian group Selah. Angie blogs eloquently at “Bring the Rain,” which is named for the beautiful infant daughter the Smith family lost in 2008, Audrey Caroline. Audrey’s story is found on her blog, beginning here, and is also written about in Angie’s wonderful book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.

Many Wives of Faith readers and members have emailed us through the past few months with tender and broken hearts concerning miscarriage, stillbirth, and the death of infant children, with grief compounded by additional challenges brought about by being the wife of a serviceman. Today, Angie offers each of us words of hope and consolation.

If you’re a mother who has lost a baby, or the friend who wants to minister to one who has, Angie offers wonderful advice for us all.

Angie, thanks for joining us at Wives of Faith.

Grief is a tricky beast. It doesn’t go away even after counseling, or writing a book. It can surface at any time, with any number of triggers. How do you deal with the grief of losing your daughter even now?

A tricky beast is right. And you can never plan for the thing that is going to bring back the memories or trigger something you thought you had processed. It is definitely a moment-by-moment grace.

Your story is told in beautiful—and sometimes painful—detail on your blog and in your book. In a nutshell, how would you describe where you are today?

Believing. And to say that is pretty remarkable considering where I have been in the past. I had moments where I didn’t know if I could really trust Him to be everything, and although it isn’t a perfect walk by any means, I believe Him when He says He is good. That doesn’t mean I don’t question Him or that I don’t struggle, but I am resting in knowing that the foundation is solid.

It’s evident you were blessed with friends and family to stand beside you and Todd through the loss of Audrey. How would you comfort a woman in this situation who is away from her support system? How would you encourage a woman who has lost a child while her husband is deployed? How can we as Christians help a woman in that situation?

My goodness. I started to write my response and was humbled by a prompting to pray for these women, because the truth is that I could make the answer look great on paper but I haven’t been there and I don’t want it to sound glib. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have made the situation, but my best answer is to seek community around you from good, solid believers who will walk with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for the hard thing, because what they want most of all is to know how they can help. Don’t isolate yourself or allow Satan to convince you that you are forgotten. Easier said than done, I know. With that said, I want to say I am sorry you have to walk it this way, and I will continue to pray for wisdom and peace as you grieve.

My [Pattie's] belief is that most Christians don’t say anything to a woman in this situation because they just don’t know what to say; they are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. Can you give us an idea what we should never say to a grieving mom? Can you tell us what it’s safe to say to her?

A few people told me I should get over it because I had three healthy children, or that I was young and could have more. Others said that God must have needed another angel. Some said it was probably for the best and that it was better off this way. I think as a society we aren’t comfortable with the silence, and we want to help. Some of the moments that ministered to me the most were when people just sat with me in my sorrow and didn’t try to explain it all away. I always welcomed people asking questions, though. I don’t ever want it to be the elephant in the room. The other thing is that you have to really be in prayer about how to minister, because in our flesh we say things we don’t mean to say and many, many times I have prayed that the Lord will bless a conversation and take away anything unnecessary or hurtful.

Which Scriptures helped you the most, and which ones just made your pain intensify?

Any Scripture that had to do with the promise of heaven was wonderful. I know a lot of people say this, but I love that the Bible tells us that Jesus wept. I needed to feel His humanity and His divinity in a more intense way than ever before, and to know I have a Father Who is able to sympathize with me was comforting. I can’t think of Scripture that intensified my pain, but I can think of people who tried to use Scripture in a way that hurt me. I had a neighbor tell me that my daughter passed away because I didn’t believe the way I should have…she quoted Job, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t finish that chapter of the Bible. I think the most important thing is to love well and ask the Lord to fill in the gaps. If someone said to me, “Well, the Lord gives and He takes away” in a flippant way, it would hurt me. I don’t disagree with the verse, but the intention could be harmful.

How can you hang onto hope when your emotions are raw?

It’s not easy. You keep your nose in your Bible and your heart open to the whisperings of God. And you tell Him how you feel. Don’t think you can scare Him away with your questioning or your hurt.

How do we affirm the life of a child, even in death?

I think that acknowledging the baby (or child) is the first step. You may have miscarried at 5 weeks, but that baby was already being knit together in accordance with the will of God. Don’t dismiss someone’s hurt because it was early, and don’t shy away from asking specific questions, like, “Do you have any sense of the baby’s gender?” “Did you have names picked out?” or even suggesting ways to have the child’s life recognized. I had wonderful people who thought to snip pieces of Audrey’s hair and take pictures and get her footprints and many other things I treasure today. Ask the person who has lost a child if you can see pictures or hear stories about the baby-for me, this meant that people cared about her and not just me…there is a difference that matters.

How can we be the hands and feet of Jesus to a friend during this emotional time?

Pray. Ask. Volunteer to help. Be available and willing to walk into the unknown. Grief is scary but it’s so much easier when it’s shared.

You say in your book you have had a difficult time asking for help. How was that process for you, and do you still have a difficult time asking for help?

Yes. I give good advice that I should take myself!!! I have gotten to the point where it is a little easier, but I will say that being able to be on the other side of the grief many times since then has helped me see that it is wonderful to be asked and there is a blessing in it for the giver. I have to keep that in mind instead of feeling greedy or needy. People want to help. Someone said to me once, “If you don’t let her do that, you are robbing her blessing.” I thought that was great advice.

Angie, thank you again for your words of wisdom and comfort.

We are giving away a copy of Angie’s book, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy. To be eligible to win, all you need to do is post a comment on the blog here between now and next Monday, November 15. The winner will be chosen at random from each comment left. I do ask that you enter your email address as you leave a comment (it will not be posted, but it will be visible to me) so I may contact you directly. You can find more information about her book here.

Thanks again, Angie, for joining us. God bless you and your family as you continue to celebrate Audrey Caroline.

____________

I never posted the winner! Grig is the winner of I Will Carry You . Congratulations!

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Living Life in the Battle Zone – the Conclusion

Posted by Bettina Dowell on Thursday, October 7th, 2010 in Bible study | Comments (0)

Have you enjoyed our journey with Ruth? Have you found some comparisons between the battles Ruth encountered and the ones of your own life? Let’s see how Ruth’s story concluded and see what treasures are there for us.

When we last left Ruth, she had spent a night on the threshing floor at the feet of Boaz, coming away with barley and his promise to approach the family’s other kinsman-redeemer about marrying her (there was a very specific order in Israel about who could marry the surviving widow of an Israelite). Remember, Ruth was not from Israel and these rules and regulations may have made as much sense to her as constantly changing and evolving orders make to us. In chapter four of Ruth, we see Boaz approaching the town’s elders and the other kinsman-redeemer, coming away from the meeting pledging that Ruth would be his wife. Later we read about them having a son named Obed. Obed was the father of Jesse, and Jesse was the father of David who became the great king of Israel. The next time we see Ruth in the Bible, it is in chapter one of Matthew where she is listed as one of only five women mentioned in the lineage of Jesus. Without church speak, basically she became the great (times 30, give or take a few greats) grandmother of Jesus.

Ruth made some difficult choices in her battle zones. There must have been days when she wondered why her husband was gone, why she had ever agreed to move and how she was going to manage all the challenges. The exciting lesson for us is that Ruth’s choices to recognize, adapt, move forward and trust God in challenging times had a positive impact for eternity, as we see in Matthew chapter one. As can ours.

So where are the battles in your life? Are there struggles you need to recognize and admit to God and/or share with a trusted sister in Christ? How is God calling you to adapt and move forward in the life in which He has placed you today? Can you bring some stability to your family by choosing to deal with your discontent about where military life has landed you and realizing you have not come to this place outside the sovereign will of a God who loves you?

Ruth did not live to see, with earthly eyes, her legacy as a woman in the line of Jesus. And we may not see the positive eternal impact of the hard choices we make each day to trust God in the battle zones of our lives. But when grandbaby Obed was laid in the lap of Naomi, the women of the town shared something very powerful with her.

The women said to Naomi:

Praise be to the Lord, who this day has not left you without a

Kinsman-redeemer.

May he become famous throughout Israel.

Ruth 4:14 (NIV)

Sisters, we have not been left without a kinsman-redeemer. His name is Jesus. May our choices, in the battle zones of our lives, not only bring us purpose, but cause His name to be made famous throughout the Israel where we live.

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To find the rest of the series:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

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Bettina has been a military wife for over 29 years. She and her husband Rob have two sons and a daughter-in-law pursuing artistic careers in Los Angeles and a high school daughter at home with them outside Washington, D.C. She blogs at Simple Stories, Timeless Truths.

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Spiritual Battle Buddies

Posted by Amber Parham on Friday, October 1st, 2010 in Faith | Comments (2)

“…prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.” Ephesians 6:18 (The Message)

I think it’s easy to forget how much our spouses can worry. They are supposed to be strong and even immune to the minor irritations of regular life. When I pray, I ask God to help me with His strength and to show me the right direction. Now that my husband is home I don’t pray for him as often or in the same way that I prayed for him while he was deployed. I realize that the dangers and issues that he is facing here are in a completely different category than they were while he was in Iraq. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m selfish enough that once he came home, I was a little too satisfied with him just being here. Once the reintegration issues were resolved, I began to forget how much he still needs God’s help as much as I do.

My husband is very much the strong, silent type. He doesn’t say much to folks, and when he does it’s usually important. One exception to that rule is me. He talks to me non-stop when we are together with no kids to interrupt. It’s usually just chatter, stuff he wants to do on the weekend, something he thought of while he was making the hour drive home etc. But the big stuff, well, he tends to bottle things just a teensy bit. So, when he admits to me that he is starting to worry, that gets to me.

Our servicemen are trained to be strong. They are trained to be tough, and they are trained to never show weakness. To some of them, admitting that they are worried could be considered a weakness and they would never even think of it. They are also trained to never go anywhere alone. They are trained to stay with their ‘Battle Buddy’. These times are tough for everyone. War, economic troubles, natural disasters. We are in spiritual warfare daily. When you made the commitment of marriage (even if, like me, you weren’t aware that you would end up as a military wife), you agreed to be your husband’s spiritual battle buddy.

With that said, I’m issuing a challenge to each of you. Never leave your spouse spiritually alone. Make it a point to lift up your spouse in prayer right now and each and every day for the next week as often as you think about him. Then keep going to the next week and the next. Pray that he will become God strong. Pray that he will see God working in your lives. Pray specifically for needs that you know he has. Even if you don’t know what to say, pray that to God, because He does know.

Just as our worries become less when we focus on God in worshipful obedience, our personal problems become paler when we focus our attention on serving others. Focus on your spouse tonight. Listen when he talks, even if it isn’t about “the big stuff”. Go out of your way to make his day special, even if it’s just getting up early to fix his coffee or picking up his favorite meal on the way home from work.

Paul prayed this prayer for the spiritual strength of the Ephesians. It applies to our lives today just as it did nearly 2,000 years ago to the lives of his friends.

Ephesians 3:14-20 (NIV)

A Prayer for the Ephesians

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.