Editor’s note: We at Wives of Faith believe strongly in marriage and in strengthening military marriages. Kori Yates is our MarriageCare director, and I can tell you after our leadership team meeting the other night, encouraging and strengthening military marriages is her passion. We will be hearing more from her in upcoming weeks; until then, please enjoy this post from Sara Horn, originally published 23 June 2009, republishing 19 Jan 2012. ~Pattie~
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I watched the episode last night of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (along with the millions of other train wreck observers) and was extremely sad to see their announcement that they’ve separated. Even though word had leaked out that they’d filed for divorce earlier in the day, still, a big part of me wanted to see the news proved wrong. Unfortunately it wasn’t.
Right before I went to sleep last night I posted on my Facebook page: “Jon and Kate keep saying they were putting their kids first. Maybe that was the problem! Your spouse has to be a priority. Make your marriage a priority!”
I didn’t know that when I woke up this morning I’d have 15 comments! Obviously, this couple has touched a sensitive spot with many, and hopefully have made many look in the mirror at their own marriages and examine their own challenges more closely.
The struggles and challenges Jon and Kate have faced aren’t any different than the trials that millions of other couples have had to deal with – the only difference is, like their larger-than-the-norm family, so has the size of public scrutiny been for them.
I suspect that on a much smaller level, there are military couples who know exactly what this couple is going through – word travels fast on a base or post when a marriage is in trouble and we saw a sad example of it just this week on Army Wives. Denise faced the scrutiny and the judgement of her friends and the people around her after making a series of bad choices and her husband was ordered to go home to “deal with his domestic issues.”
Of course, we can’t know what any couple is dealing with unless we have been where they are. Many are quick to either condemn or say “don’t judge” but I think both of these are extremes. Condemning certainly doesn’t show love but “not judging’ often is code for “it’s none of our business” and I’ve seen way too many marriages in the church “not judged” and not helped either. There was a couple in our old Sunday School class many years ago who suddenly stopped coming. No one really paid attention (or followed up with them) and many months later someone said this couple had separated and gotten divorced. Too many couples fall through the cracks like that. Sometimes it takes more than prayer; it takes a friend letting that couple know you care about them and their marriage.
Marriage is fragile
Jon and Kate’s situation has only reminded me all the more how fragile marriage is, and I hurt especially for the military marriages I hear about that are falling apart. Since starting Wives of Faith, there have been several wives who’ve come to me with struggling marriages. Not all of them have been saved. Ladies, we have to fight for our relationships! And we can’t give up!
Marriage is hard, especially when children enter the picture. My son means the world to me but so does my husband and I made a commitment to him before I was ever a mom. Make your marriage a priority. Whether it’s your first, second or third! If you’ve failed before, it doesn’t mean you have to fail again. You may have to work really hard to put your marriage first, especially if your husband is gone a lot. But it’s crucial to take time out for each other and focus on your marriage. Because when you’re on the same page with your marriage, the challenges that come with being a parent can seem a little less large.
As a wife, be careful not to take everything over and use the excuse because your husband isn’t there. You can still involve him in choices and decisions (I still remember trying to show my husband color samples of siding over web cam LOL), and letting your kids know that their dad’s input is still important.
I can’t imagine being in Jon and Kate’s shoes, having to deal with a struggling marriage with a million voices weighing in on their decisions. As several have said, though, prayer still works and God still heals marriages. I know He can heal theirs, just as I’ve seen Him heal others.
If your marriage is just fine right now, than that’s wonderful! But take the time to protect it. Don’t take your husband for granted and make it a point to value him the way you want him to value you. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Realize that marriage is not always smooth sailing; you will have ups and downs, and some are bigger hills than you may have ever expected! But it’s only after you get over those hills and you look back at what you’ve been through and seen how God has carried both of you that you realize God knew what He was doing when He put the two of you together.
I know many of you reading this may be struggling with problems too big for you to handle by yourself – PTSD, out of control financial problems, infidelity. Let me encourage you to seek help; talk to a pastor you trust or contact Military OneSource. As a military spouse, you are eligible to receive free counseling and Military OneSource can connect you to a counselor in your town and you can receive up to 12 sessions free per topic. Also, if you need prayer for your marriage, let us know (info @ wivesoffaith.org). We have several ladies who are prayer warriors and will be glad to pray for your need. I’ve seen marriages healed when ladies joined together to pray. God still works miracles!
Marriage can hurt, but God can heal.
Proverbs 31:10 – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
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