I am pleased and honored to welcome our special guest today: Angie Smith. Angie’s husband Todd is a professional musician with the Christian group Selah. Angie blogs eloquently at “Bring the Rain,” which is named for the beautiful infant daughter the Smith family lost in 2008, Audrey Caroline. Audrey’s story is found on her blog, beginning here, and is also written about in Angie’s wonderful book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.

Many Wives of Faith readers and members have emailed us through the past few months with tender and broken hearts concerning miscarriage, stillbirth, and the death of infant children, with grief compounded by additional challenges brought about by being the wife of a serviceman. Today, Angie offers each of us words of hope and consolation.

If you’re a mother who has lost a baby, or the friend who wants to minister to one who has, Angie offers wonderful advice for us all.

Angie, thanks for joining us at Wives of Faith.

Grief is a tricky beast. It doesn’t go away even after counseling, or writing a book. It can surface at any time, with any number of triggers. How do you deal with the grief of losing your daughter even now?

A tricky beast is right. And you can never plan for the thing that is going to bring back the memories or trigger something you thought you had processed. It is definitely a moment-by-moment grace.

Your story is told in beautiful—and sometimes painful—detail on your blog and in your book. In a nutshell, how would you describe where you are today?

Believing. And to say that is pretty remarkable considering where I have been in the past. I had moments where I didn’t know if I could really trust Him to be everything, and although it isn’t a perfect walk by any means, I believe Him when He says He is good. That doesn’t mean I don’t question Him or that I don’t struggle, but I am resting in knowing that the foundation is solid.

It’s evident you were blessed with friends and family to stand beside you and Todd through the loss of Audrey. How would you comfort a woman in this situation who is away from her support system? How would you encourage a woman who has lost a child while her husband is deployed? How can we as Christians help a woman in that situation?

My goodness. I started to write my response and was humbled by a prompting to pray for these women, because the truth is that I could make the answer look great on paper but I haven’t been there and I don’t want it to sound glib. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have made the situation, but my best answer is to seek community around you from good, solid believers who will walk with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for the hard thing, because what they want most of all is to know how they can help. Don’t isolate yourself or allow Satan to convince you that you are forgotten. Easier said than done, I know. With that said, I want to say I am sorry you have to walk it this way, and I will continue to pray for wisdom and peace as you grieve.

My [Pattie's] belief is that most Christians don’t say anything to a woman in this situation because they just don’t know what to say; they are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. Can you give us an idea what we should never say to a grieving mom? Can you tell us what it’s safe to say to her?

A few people told me I should get over it because I had three healthy children, or that I was young and could have more. Others said that God must have needed another angel. Some said it was probably for the best and that it was better off this way. I think as a society we aren’t comfortable with the silence, and we want to help. Some of the moments that ministered to me the most were when people just sat with me in my sorrow and didn’t try to explain it all away. I always welcomed people asking questions, though. I don’t ever want it to be the elephant in the room. The other thing is that you have to really be in prayer about how to minister, because in our flesh we say things we don’t mean to say and many, many times I have prayed that the Lord will bless a conversation and take away anything unnecessary or hurtful.

Which Scriptures helped you the most, and which ones just made your pain intensify?

Any Scripture that had to do with the promise of heaven was wonderful. I know a lot of people say this, but I love that the Bible tells us that Jesus wept. I needed to feel His humanity and His divinity in a more intense way than ever before, and to know I have a Father Who is able to sympathize with me was comforting. I can’t think of Scripture that intensified my pain, but I can think of people who tried to use Scripture in a way that hurt me. I had a neighbor tell me that my daughter passed away because I didn’t believe the way I should have…she quoted Job, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t finish that chapter of the Bible. I think the most important thing is to love well and ask the Lord to fill in the gaps. If someone said to me, “Well, the Lord gives and He takes away” in a flippant way, it would hurt me. I don’t disagree with the verse, but the intention could be harmful.

How can you hang onto hope when your emotions are raw?

It’s not easy. You keep your nose in your Bible and your heart open to the whisperings of God. And you tell Him how you feel. Don’t think you can scare Him away with your questioning or your hurt.

How do we affirm the life of a child, even in death?

I think that acknowledging the baby (or child) is the first step. You may have miscarried at 5 weeks, but that baby was already being knit together in accordance with the will of God. Don’t dismiss someone’s hurt because it was early, and don’t shy away from asking specific questions, like, “Do you have any sense of the baby’s gender?” “Did you have names picked out?” or even suggesting ways to have the child’s life recognized. I had wonderful people who thought to snip pieces of Audrey’s hair and take pictures and get her footprints and many other things I treasure today. Ask the person who has lost a child if you can see pictures or hear stories about the baby-for me, this meant that people cared about her and not just me…there is a difference that matters.

How can we be the hands and feet of Jesus to a friend during this emotional time?

Pray. Ask. Volunteer to help. Be available and willing to walk into the unknown. Grief is scary but it’s so much easier when it’s shared.

You say in your book you have had a difficult time asking for help. How was that process for you, and do you still have a difficult time asking for help?

Yes. I give good advice that I should take myself!!! I have gotten to the point where it is a little easier, but I will say that being able to be on the other side of the grief many times since then has helped me see that it is wonderful to be asked and there is a blessing in it for the giver. I have to keep that in mind instead of feeling greedy or needy. People want to help. Someone said to me once, “If you don’t let her do that, you are robbing her blessing.” I thought that was great advice.

Angie, thank you again for your words of wisdom and comfort.

We are giving away a copy of Angie’s book, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy. To be eligible to win, all you need to do is post a comment on the blog here between now and next Monday, November 15. The winner will be chosen at random from each comment left. I do ask that you enter your email address as you leave a comment (it will not be posted, but it will be visible to me) so I may contact you directly. You can find more information about her book here.

Thanks again, Angie, for joining us. God bless you and your family as you continue to celebrate Audrey Caroline.

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I never posted the winner! Grig is the winner of I Will Carry You . Congratulations!

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