Coping with R&R

This is a new feature we are offering for our monthly newsletter. So often, military wives have found themselves in years gone by chatting with each other over the back fence, sharing recipes and trading tips of navigating the military life. The back fence may not be there all the time now, as more and more military wives are spread out and away from each other, but we can still share and offer each other help with the situations we find ourselves in.

Question: My husband is coming home on leave in 3 weeks, and I am, of course, extremely excited about it. I am also rather apprehensive.

We have 3 small children. The youngest, our little girl, will turn one while my husband is home, and we have a 2 year-old boy and a 3 1/2 year-old boy. I’m really concerned about discipline while my husband is home, as far as how much he should do. Two toddler boys are bound to get into trouble in two weeks time!

I am mostly concerned about the transition back to just mommy after having daddy here for 2 weeks. I’m really into a routine with the children, it almost seems as if it would be easier for him to just skip the leave and come home for good in January. I feel guilty about feeling that way, but the boys are going to be a wreck when he goes back after leave. Have you run into any other wives with similar situations?

I just continue to pray that we can have a sweet time together as a family, and that I will have the strength and wisdom to help the kids when he has to go back.

Any thoughts you or any of the other wives of faith ladies have would be greatly appreciated!

- Janelle

Here’s what we shared with Janelle. Please add or offer your own advice, especially if you’ve lived through this situation!

Answer: Here are two different thoughts I had about your situation. First, I’ve known some wives with children as young as yours who took time during the R&R to go away as a family on a trip so they weren’t necessarily at home the entire time and the kids didn’t get used to their daddy being home and in the normal home routine and environment only to leave again. That’s one idea, but in today’s economy, may not be possible, and your husband may just want to come home and relax. The Armed Forces Vacation Club offers some great deals in condos, though, like in Florida, (among other places) and may be a fun idea to check out… (www.afvclub.com – we’ve used them twice and had a great experience).

The other thought ties into that. Talk with your husband and find out what his expectations are for the two weeks. Does he want to see a lot of people? Does he just want to rest and lay on the couch? What does he want to do? Talk with him about your concerns for the kids and together as a couple, figure out what parts of your routine are important to keep while he’s home (for example, bedtimes, nap times) and what can be let go temporarily.

Let me say this: resist the urge to try and make these two weeks perfect. As wives, we like to control things as much as possible to keep from going crazy, but sometimes, it’s our trying to control things that actually does end up driving us crazy!

Keep your expectations reasonable and simple. Don’t plan a ton of activities and make it your goal simply for the family to have some good quality family time being together. Turn off the phone, step away from the computer. Don’t worry too much about routines being upset and what things will be like once your husband leaves again. You’ve done a great job so far with this deployment and it will be fine on the other side of R&R as well, as long as you believe that yourself. Do make sure that the two of you have some alone time together while he’s home, and don’t feel guilty for leaving the kids with a babysitter or another family member, even if it’s just for a few hours one evening. You are both parents, but you are husband and wife first and you need that time together.

Your feelings about him skipping the R&R are also completely normal, lots of wives feel that way. He also probably has mixed feelings about coming home, knowing that just about the time he gets used to being back, he’ll have to leave again. See this time as a blessing for your family to be together once again and a reminder of how much you love each other and the importance of not taking the little things for granted.

Ask God to give you peace about this time and go ahead and start praying that He will help your children as well, and give you wisdom as their mom. Remember this verse from Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust in you, O Lord.”

Trust that God is going to take care of all of you during this time, just as He has. I’ll be praying for you!! Let me know how things go!

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