Today during our Wives of Faith meeting, one of our wives shared her concern about how things will be after her husband comes home from his deployment which isn’t too far away.
It’s been said that the transition after deployment can be even harder than the actual deployment. Though your couple status hasn’t changed, you have been living separate lives. He’s been living in a war zone – working long days, focused on his mission and keeping himself and his fellow soldiers safe and alive. You’ve been at home – also working long days, focused on keeping your home and family going and doing everything you can to support your husband while he’s been away.
We can be tempted to fall into the trap of playing the “Who Had it Worse” game. But it’s not so much about who has had it worse – the challenges are just different.
If you are about to experience a homecoming, or maybe you’re dealing with the transition right now, here are a few things to think about that may help you and your family have the best experience possible as you reunite.
Talk before he’s home. The communication needs to happen before he gets off the plane and walks in the door and sees that you’ve rearranged the living room furniture and the dog’s food bowl is in a different spot then where it was before he left. Talk about things that have changed, talk about how each of you have changed. Talk about your expectations – does he have visions of just lying around for a couple of weeks doing nothing? If he’s Guard/Reserve, are you hoping he’ll take time to spend with the family before hurrying off to resume his civilian job responsibilities? If you have kids, talk about parenting roles and any concerns you may have about your children.
Keep your expectations low. We all can find ourselves dreaming and romanticizing about those first few weeks that our husbands will return. If we’re not careful, we can turn those dreams into fairy tales with no chance of matching reality and offering a whole lot of potential for disappointment. Because the reality is that it will take time for your husband to adjust to being back home. When my husband returned from his first deployment, I realized that while his deployment was over, mine wasn’t. That’s because Cliff needed time to decompress and just relax. And as much as I was looking forward to help around the house and with our son, I had to recognize what he needed – and that was time to adjust and feel at home again.
Be willing to sit. Resist the voice inside your head which is running an on-going to do list of everything that needs to be done around the house and with the kids and take some time just to be with your husband. Men and women have such different perspectives and needs as it is, but deployment and the transition after deployment can seriously heighten those differences. You may find it frustrating that all he wants to do is sit, and have you sit with him. But he hasn’t had a chance just to sit in a long time. And even if he has been able to have a little downtime while overseas, it’s a different version – “relaxation” does not happen in a war zone. So be willing to put aside your to-do list for just a little while and instead, enjoy just being. Being a couple, being a family, being together.
Bringing the war home. Every service member will have a different experience during their time overseas. Some will have seen serious combat. Others will not. But everyone will have a certain amount of adjustments to make. It may take time to adjust to sleeping in a quiet house with no helicopters flying overhead. Loud noises or sudden movements may spook him. This is normal and should gradually subside.
Wives can make mistakes if we’re not careful – we can assume the absolute worst, that our husbands are coming home just shells of their former selves, with no real basis for believing that, and drive our husbands and ourselves crazy looking for signs of PTSD or TBI, or we can go the other extreme, thinking that they will be exactly the way they were before they left and ignoring any signs that may appear.
When War Comes Home is a great resource for any military wife who wants to arm herself with information and knowledge of how to help her husband sort through the emotions and conflicts of coming home from war. The book can walk you through what to know and what to look for should your husband be experiencing serious symptoms or signs of PTSD.
Be patient with the “new normal.” Resist wishing that everything will go back to being the same before your husband left. After all, if your husband hadn’t left for a year, would he necessarily be the exact same person one year later? Of course not. Whatever experiences life brought his way would change him or grow him. He wouldn’t be the same. Neither would you. So expecting everything to return to the way it was before the deployment doesn’t make a whole lot of sense either. He’s changed. You’ve changed. And now it’s time for you both to figure out how to move forward together with those changes.
It takes time. It’s not easy. But you’re also not alone. Pray for your husband daily and for your family, and ask God to help bring the two of you back together and help you to be closer than ever.
What other thoughts do you have about the transition after deployment? What’s been your experience? What is your advice to others? Let’s share and get some discussion going on this important topic.
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Thank you so much, I am bookmarking this page. Your points hit all my worries and give practical ways of problem solving them together as a couple
Muchas Gracias:)
Heather
These are all very valid points. My husband recently came home after being deployed for over a year. It was not his first deployment, but it was the longest we've experienced so far. Our year apart was like a roller coaster and it seemed as though (literally), the second he left, we were flooded with so many trials, obstacles, stressors, etc… But, throughout all of that, we learned to cope ~ we learned to get by and found a niche – our ways of doing things without him there. When he finally came home, as excited as we were, it was very scary as well. Our very young children and I had changed and grown in every area ~ effective ways of disciplining our kids had completely changed; interests, knowledge, and even things as simple as what toys they played with were totally different. But, my husband was still where we were a year ago in those areas. It was hard finding the hazy line between letting him resume as head of our family, while still trying to catch him up to where we are now ~ without "reigning" over him and constantly correcting him, saying things like "We don't do that anymore" or "We do it this way now", and contradicting his authority in front of our children.
Also, while my children and I had to adjust to having Daddy home and having to worry about, now, checking with another authority figure in the home on what/when we do things, etc… and getting to know him all over again, He – my husband – had three people to reaquaint himself with. Our home was different (due to some necessary remodeling), our 4 mth old and 2 yr old were now 18 mths and 3 1/2 yrs, and I had changed in so many ways during his deployement. He was coming home to "us" and big things were the same ~ we lived in the same house, in the same town, etc… But, countless little things had changed, which made HUGE differences.
He's been home for almost 2 months now, and we are still adjusting, but communication is the primary reason we have really gotten through this period of adjustment successfully. When we are frustrated, confused, mad, upset, scared, worried… whatever ~ we talk about it ~ not always "in the moment" because that can be stressful. We take a little time to process, then go back to the issues, and confront them together, so we can come up with effective solutions that work for us as a family.
Things change when you're apart. There's a lot to adjust to, but you have to be open to even more changes. Be open about your concerns, expectations, fears, etc… When your spouse returns home, you have to be willing to compromise, change, and adjust and readjust so that you can work together to make things better. It's not always easy, but it's worth it.
Shamberly Coleman
Things are so vastly different when they come home for all involved. Transition was something neither of us were prepared for. It has been an incredibly long hard road just since he came home. Living where there are no other wives in my circle of friends, family and church, made it even more difficult. Limited resources was a challenge as well. Through this process I have found a few resources and learned a great deal.
Be aware of the signs of PTSD and TBI. If you have concerns, talk about it rationally and calmly. Then get help ASAP! Military One Source will have you in a counseling office within 24 hours if your time matches the counselors availability. It takes a little time to get things rolling with the VA(took us about 3 months), so in the mean time Military One Source can help. They also have a wounded warrior program that can assist with getting the help that you need for your service member and your family. The VA tends to only focus on the service member, so the family needs to seek out counsel as well.(Military One Source)Some VA's clinics have support groups for the families, but ours did not. I am in the process of starting one, but there is nothing within a 70 mile radius of my home. I cannot be the only one that needs support of some kind in this area.
Don't sit and suffer in silence. Remember, you are not the only one that has ever experienced this roller coaster of emotions. The internet(amazon has link after link) has every book ever written about PTSD, TBI, coping with transition, etc. First pray to God for guidance and then research, reach out, and let others know about your struggle. Lifting each other up and sharing our experiences will make us stronger and more able to cope with whatever the military throws our way!
Christie Pickard
Just chiming in to agree with the "don't suffer in silence" phrase that Christie mentioned.<div></div><div>You don't have to.</div><div></div><div>I'm a chaplain's wife, so I'm going to plug the chaplains here. Whether your spouse is reserve or active, please don't forget that chaplains are available, regardless of religious affiliation. Active duty personnel should know the chaplain assigned to the unit. Reserve and guard units also have chaplains, and I am sure that they'd be willing to talk by phone if you don't live near, even if they're not "on duty." It's like a pastor-parishioner or counselor-client relationship: confidential. And it's free.</div>
Pattie
My husband and I are approaching the final few weeks of our 1st deployment and I'm glad that the rollercoaster ride of emotions has seemed to subside. I know that many say the transition home can be just as difficult but I've been trying to do my part to research what to expect as well as working on my patience. We've definitely been very adamant in having open conversations about our expectations, as well as agreeing that we wouldn't play the "who had it worse" game. I think that marriage in and of itself it a challenge and takes both people making the commitment to work together day in and day out… so I'm hoping we can use those tools and the things we gained during the deployment to help us with the transition home.
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