Editor’s note: We at Wives of Faith believe strongly in marriage and in strengthening military marriages. Kori Yates is our MarriageCare director, and I can tell you after our leadership team meeting the other night, encouraging and strengthening military marriages is her passion. We will be hearing more from her in upcoming weeks; until then, please enjoy this post from Sara Horn, originally published 23 June 2009, republishing 19 Jan 2012. ~Pattie~
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I watched the episode last night of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (along with the millions of other train wreck observers) and was extremely sad to see their announcement that they’ve separated. Even though word had leaked out that they’d filed for divorce earlier in the day, still, a big part of me wanted to see the news proved wrong. Unfortunately it wasn’t.
Right before I went to sleep last night I posted on my Facebook page: “Jon and Kate keep saying they were putting their kids first. Maybe that was the problem! Your spouse has to be a priority. Make your marriage a priority!”
I didn’t know that when I woke up this morning I’d have 15 comments! Obviously, this couple has touched a sensitive spot with many, and hopefully have made many look in the mirror at their own marriages and examine their own challenges more closely.
The struggles and challenges Jon and Kate have faced aren’t any different than the trials that millions of other couples have had to deal with – the only difference is, like their larger-than-the-norm family, so has the size of public scrutiny been for them.
I suspect that on a much smaller level, there are military couples who know exactly what this couple is going through – word travels fast on a base or post when a marriage is in trouble and we saw a sad example of it just this week on Army Wives. Denise faced the scrutiny and the judgement of her friends and the people around her after making a series of bad choices and her husband was ordered to go home to “deal with his domestic issues.”
Of course, we can’t know what any couple is dealing with unless we have been where they are. Many are quick to either condemn or say “don’t judge” but I think both of these are extremes. Condemning certainly doesn’t show love but “not judging’ often is code for “it’s none of our business” and I’ve seen way too many marriages in the church “not judged” and not helped either. There was a couple in our old Sunday School class many years ago who suddenly stopped coming. No one really paid attention (or followed up with them) and many months later someone said this couple had separated and gotten divorced. Too many couples fall through the cracks like that. Sometimes it takes more than prayer; it takes a friend letting that couple know you care about them and their marriage.
Marriage is fragile
Jon and Kate’s situation has only reminded me all the more how fragile marriage is, and I hurt especially for the military marriages I hear about that are falling apart. Since starting Wives of Faith, there have been several wives who’ve come to me with struggling marriages. Not all of them have been saved. Ladies, we have to fight for our relationships! And we can’t give up!
Marriage is hard, especially when children enter the picture. My son means the world to me but so does my husband and I made a commitment to him before I was ever a mom. Make your marriage a priority. Whether it’s your first, second or third! If you’ve failed before, it doesn’t mean you have to fail again. You may have to work really hard to put your marriage first, especially if your husband is gone a lot. But it’s crucial to take time out for each other and focus on your marriage. Because when you’re on the same page with your marriage, the challenges that come with being a parent can seem a little less large.
As a wife, be careful not to take everything over and use the excuse because your husband isn’t there. You can still involve him in choices and decisions (I still remember trying to show my husband color samples of siding over web cam LOL), and letting your kids know that their dad’s input is still important.
I can’t imagine being in Jon and Kate’s shoes, having to deal with a struggling marriage with a million voices weighing in on their decisions. As several have said, though, prayer still works and God still heals marriages. I know He can heal theirs, just as I’ve seen Him heal others.
If your marriage is just fine right now, than that’s wonderful! But take the time to protect it. Don’t take your husband for granted and make it a point to value him the way you want him to value you. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Realize that marriage is not always smooth sailing; you will have ups and downs, and some are bigger hills than you may have ever expected! But it’s only after you get over those hills and you look back at what you’ve been through and seen how God has carried both of you that you realize God knew what He was doing when He put the two of you together.
I know many of you reading this may be struggling with problems too big for you to handle by yourself – PTSD, out of control financial problems, infidelity. Let me encourage you to seek help; talk to a pastor you trust or contact Military OneSource. As a military spouse, you are eligible to receive free counseling and Military OneSource can connect you to a counselor in your town and you can receive up to 12 sessions free per topic. Also, if you need prayer for your marriage, let us know (info @ wivesoffaith.org). We have several ladies who are prayer warriors and will be glad to pray for your need. I’ve seen marriages healed when ladies joined together to pray. God still works miracles!
Marriage can hurt, but God can heal.
Proverbs 31:10 – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
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Great post, Sara.
Pattie
Sara,
I think you have hit the nail on the head with this one. I think when we put our children first we are not doing them any favors. We need to show our children what a marriage is supposed to look like. We need to show how to love our spouse and how to support them in life. Also we need to show how to compromise and other life lessons so when they grow up they will be able to have strong marriages. We also need to show them how to put God first and seek His guidance in everything we do. By putting our marriages a priority we help our children in the process.
Beth Bradley
This is a wonderful post. I also did a blog post today about the Jon and Kate situation. It saddens me that their marriage is on the rocks. God can heal their marriage, but both parties have to be willing to allow Him in to do so.
I love what you said about putting your marriage before your children. So many people get offended by this concept, but it is biblical and part of divine order. Besides, your kids leave the house when they become adults, but you still have your husband.
Tonya
Thanks for the insightful post, Sara. I completely agree with your assessment that marriage comes before the children, as well as Tonya's point that this is the biblical model of marriage. As she suggested, we must place that relationship at the top of our priorities (right under our relationship with the Lord), because after the kids leave, your spouse is the only other one there. If you don't know him anymore or if there's no real relationship left without the kids to pull you together, then it can be tragic.
Lindsey
Great post Sara! I could not agree with you more!! Thank you for sharing this.
Jessica
Fantastic post! It's so true…my kids are definitely depend on me more than my husband, so they of course do get more of my time & attention, but if I don't get my children a good role model for how a Godly marriage should work, even through the rough times, what kind of relationships are they going to have in their future? You have to find a balance!
Tiffanie
That post hit me hard becuase I have been battling with thoughts for months now that most do not understand. My marriage is at a very rocky place right now. It's to the point that I am not sure what to do. Is this worth it? Thats the age old question I keep asking myself over and over. I love my husband more than anything, and I continue everyday loving him and trying to forgive for the things he has done. It's just to the point now that I am confused on how to do that. The people I have talked to about this keep telling me to move on or decide to stay but either way I must forgive. Well, thats way easier said than done. It's not just a decision I can tell myself in my mind and thats it. Forgiveness and I mean true forgiveness to the point you don't bring it up anymore is hard. Especially when it has to do with infidelity. I want to move on and I do want to forgive, but how? Thats the question!
Brandy
Hi Brandy,
I'm so glad you wrote. First, I want to encourage you for sticking with your marriage up to this point and not giving into those thoughts yet. It's definitely easier to walk away, much harder to stay, but you are trying, despite dealing with what sounds like a very tough situation.
Forgiveness – true forgiveness, as you said – takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. It can take years. But it can happen. I'll give you an example with my dad. I went for almost two years without talking to my dad. My parents separated and divorced the year after my son was born, and I was very angry and resentful towards my father for a long time. Though the rest of my family, my brother, sister, even my mom, were able to talk to him, I couldn't. I was too angry, thinking about all of the things Dad had done and hadn't done. It was very hard to forgive. I wanted to forgive him, but as hard as I wanted to, the switch just didn't work.
I shared this with someone older and wiser than I one night over dinner, and she told me something that made an impact with me. She said forgiveness is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. Sure it can for some people, but for others, it takes time. Time for the pain to lessen, the memories to dull, and more room to be made in the heart to forgive.
My friend was right. About a year ago, I began to feel my heart finally start softening toward my father. It happened little by little and now I'm grateful to say that we talk once in a while by phone and email and he even came out last week and stayed with us while my brother was home on R&R and in town to visit. And for the first time in a long time, I feel fondness towards my father. That's a big statement for me to make.
My husband and I have never dealt with infidelity, but there have been other issues in our marriage that have come up related to trust. Again, it takes time to forgive and to forget. Has your husband done what he needs to do to change so he won't make the same mistake again? Has he gone to counseling, or does he have another man who's an accountability partner? If you can see that he is making the effort to be solely committed to you and your marriage, then make the effort to remind yourself of his strengths, his best qualities, the qualities that made you fall in love with him to begin with.
We all make mistakes, we all experience failures in our lives at some point and some are bigger than others. But I know at least four or five couples I'm thinking of right now who were able to deal with the painful betrayal of infidelity and they got through it and are closer than ever to each other and their marriages, with God's help.
Give yourself time to forgive. Focus on your husband's best qualities. Love him the way God loves you, with grace. Praying for you today!
Sara Horn
Really great post! Thanks for writing this!
Kathryn